Great mysteries of life #9999: Why do wedding singers ALWAYS suck?

[liberalhistorian]

So, lately I'm having a pretty rough time of it emotionally and just can't snap out of it. The wedding of a co-worker of mine was yesterday, she's 57 and remarried her third ex-husband (yes, you read that right and don't bother to ask, we'd be here all day!). The last fucking thing I felt like doing was going to a #$@%@#$ wedding, but, of course, this was a friend as well as a co-worker, so I managed to drag my ass to the church and the reception.

Everything was lovely and it was a nice, small, quiet ceremony. Then it came time, toward the end, where the minister blesses the couple and usually this is where the solo singing performances come in. All was well and good until the male singer began his tribute to the happy (at least for now!) couple. Then it was time to secretly scramble for the ear plugs. I'm hard of hearing, and this was one of those times when I wished I were totally deaf. He sounded like cats scratching a whale underwater. And worse, he had no idea of it, so that he'd get louder and louder and get more and more into it, which made the cats scratch the whales even harder, which made the whales wail even louder, etc., etc. We were all trying desperately to keep a straight face and not to fall over in the pews laughing, and having a very hard time of it. Needless to say, we managed to keep composure somehow and refrain from throwing our programs at him.

Which got me thinking. Why is it that EVERY SINGLE WEDDING I've EVER been to in my 41 years has had SUCKY singers? EVERY time? It's like it's almost a contest or something to see how bad they can get. I admit, though, it does bring some comic relief to what is often an overly solemn time, and it's fun to speculate as to just how bad and how flat a particular wedding's singer will be. That was part of the fun of the movie Three Weddings and a Funeral, in the scene in the first wedding where the singers are singing a Barry Manilow song totally sincerely and also totally flat and awful, and the shots of the audience reactions was hilarious, because it was so true!

[BulletproofLandshark]

1. If they were good, they would be doing bigger things.

[liberalhistorian]

2. LOL! I think one of the problems is

that the singers are often friends or relatives of the bride or groom, and they either feel obligated to ask even knowing they're not that good, or they have blinders on because they're too close to the singers.

[LeftyMom]

3. I am convinced that weddings are a horrible joke couples play on thier

families, the ultimate statement of "us against the world." I can't think of any better reason to make everybody you know wear uncomfortable clothes, buy you a useless kitchen gadget you have no room for, then sit and sweat in an uncomfortable pew for hours until they're released to go crowd into an Elks lodge, sweat, eat shitty banquet food and listen to some band or DJ untalented and desparate enough to do weddings.

Personally, I'd rather pile a few grand up and light it on fire. At least that could be done in comfortable clothes, without shitty music and the presence of relatives I'd rather forget I've got.

I'm too young to be this bitter. Does that make me a prodigy?

[liberalhistorian]

5. No, you've hit it right on the money,

I feel the same way. I've never been married, but if I ever do, it will probably be the simplest, smallest, quietest ceremony you can imagine. I don't see the point in all the big to-do hoopla, not to mention the wasted money. I recently read that the average cost of a wedding nowadays is almost fifty THOUSAND dollars! Can you BELIEVE that? What a waste of dough.

And too many couples put far too much emphasis on the ceremony itself, instead of the actual marriage, which is where the focus should be. Too many bridezillas around now, IMHO.

[LeftyMom]

6. When I got married (and that was still a stupid idea, but anyhow)

I spent $40 on my dress. I have too much of a practical streak to waste money on formalities nobody enjoys anyhow. Maybe it's because I was raised Catholic, I got my white dress and veil and trip down the aisle or an ornate church with all my family there for first communion, back when I was young enough to think getting dressed up was a great adventure.

[liberalhistorian]

7. I remember the weddings of friends

and relatives where I was a member of the bridal party, talk about a MAJOR pain in the ass! Spending hundreds of dollars I didn't have on the dress, matching shoes and accessories, hair, makeup, etc., etc., stuff that you can't ever wear or use again (or, at least you wouldn't want to be SEEN wearing or using them again!), and then not being able to relax and actually enjoy the ceremony and reception, having drunken groomsmen spill drinks on your dress or other undesirable places, etc., etc., ad nauseum. Who the hell needs all that fuss?

[Monk06]

12. My sister in law had a wedding like that. All the bridesmaids had

had to buy matching lilac colored, cheap formal
gowns.

The wedding photographs were black and white to
save money. The photographer didn't use a compensating
filter so the girls face make up turned out dark grey.
The wedding pictures looked like the Adams Family.

Mother in Law believed she was an opera singer and did
the wedding music. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Plus the groom turned out to be a gay pedophile five years
down the road leading to a divorce that no one wanted to
talk about.

But the bride could brag that she was a virgin at the age
of twenty six, so there was a bright side !!!???

[liberalhistorian]

13. Now, that would be the ultimate

in wedding music horror stories, the mother-in-law who considers herself a talented singer, OY! There just would be NO way out of that one for the bride, that's a lose-lose situation.

[Monk06]

14. My sisters wedding was also quite the disaster. I had to do the bridal

speach while being heckled by all her drunken friends.

My brother wore a nice black suit but the rest of
the ushers and the groom wore cocoa-pink leisure
suit tuxedos with platform shoes.

One of the married bridesmaids got caught having sex
on the back stoop by her husband with someone other
than the husband. Much fisticuffs and thrown furniture
ensued.

Luckily my poor mother was spared the fight scene.

[liberalhistorian]

15. Wow! Was this BEFORE the

Jerry Springer era? :rofl: :rofl:

And "cocoa pink leisure suits?" OMG, what a horrible image! That whole thing sounds like a wedding parody, frankly.

I remember my stepsisters's wedding, she had all the fun and I had all the bullshit. I hate planning and details and she and my mom drove me absolutely nuts with both, expecting me to more than I should have had to do in that regard.

My toddler son and I (he's a teenager now) were still living with my parents and I caught constant shit and lectures from my mom in the hotel room all that morning before the ceremony and was nervous as hell during the wedding because I was a member of the bridal party and I knew mom would be watching me with eagle eyes. And I knew I had to go back to the constant lectures and dealing with my parents and son afterwards, while my sister had the wedding of her dreams, and THEN got to have a weeklong honeymoon Caribbean cruise, something I have NEVER EVER had, before or in the thirteen years since. And that's not even mentioning all the dipshit relatives and family friends who kept asking me when I was going to be married and why didn't I even have a boyfriend (a real sore subject for me at the time, I was a lot younger and dumber!).

Sheesh, I am NEVER going through that again! Fortunately, almost everyone I know, friend and family, are already married, and, if there are ever any second weddings, they'll likely be very small, simple, hassle-free affairs, thank God!

[Monk06]

18. My own wedding was also a minor disaster. The marriage a total

disaster. Mostly to do with in-laws fighting plus
the fact that my poor mom was an un-diagnosed paranoid
schizophrenic (bless her departed soul)

I did have one great wedding experience. It was a Sikh
wedding of a friend of mine. It was huge and the family
wasn't wealthy so the whole community pitched in.

I was the photographer so I got to go the local temple
for the blessing then to the main temple for the wedding
and the wedding meal. After that the reception with 600
guests, lots of kids and a traditional band. Loads of fun.

Plus I got a lot of great shots of the Bride and Groom
so I was a hero with the family.

[Wilhelm Klink Reich]

38. Most churches have air conditioning

[liberalhistorian]

40. Not all of them, a lot of the smaller

ones don't. And even when they do, you're usually dressed up in hot clothes and sitting with a lot of people, which makes it hot no matter if there's air or not.

[ghostsofgiants]

4. Because you're using too light a shade of grey.

Try #666666

[LibDemAlways]

8. Your post reminded me of a wedding I went to way

back in 1971. It took place at a tacky little wedding chapel in Anaheim near Disneyland. It had originally been called the "Ball Road" Wedding Chapel but someone pointed out the obvious and it became the Cameo Wedding Chapel. Anyhow, the groom's cousin, a wannabe nightclub singer, belted out the most godawful, screechy, off-key rendition of "The Look of Love" you could possibly image. I lasted about 5 seconds before laughing out loud and trying to cover it up by coughing. I was biting my lip so hard it was bleeding. I don't know how I made it through those awful couple of minutes, but it was incredibly painful and incredibly funny all at once.

[liberalhistorian]

10. Your last sentence pretty much

sums it all up! And to think that there was ever a marriage hut called the "Ball Road" Wedding Chapel! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I remember attending the wedding of a good friend of my parents back in 1981, when I was 16. It was a second marriage for both of them, so it was a little lower-key than a lot of weddings. Anyway, the bride had a woman singing a couple of songs throughout the ceremony who was just unbelievably teeth-grating. Flat, no pitch, she could have won a hog-squealing contest with no problem. I can still hear her screeching, howling, painfully flat version of Paul Stuckey's "wedding song"; that's a beautiful, lovely song that I normally always love to hear. But she totally ruined it at that particular wedding, it was truly painful.

Turns out that she was just a woman the bride met at a bus station a few months before when she was there to pick up a relative and she didn't have to the heart to tell her no to her offer to sing at the wedding, even after she heard just how bad the woman was.

[Monk06]

9. By definition it is rude to criticize a wedding singer who may also

be a delusionally untalented relative.

For example Ashcroft singing his self
penned "Let the Eagles Soar"

Since wedding singers always receive
polite applause they will never know
how bad they are.

There's a great parody in the Wedding
Singer where Jon Lovitz does his deliciously
bad rendering of Boogie Nights. Chalkboard-
nail scratching bad.

[liberalhistorian]

11. I remember that, that was

a hilarious scene! Lovitz camped it up as far as he could, and obviously had a good time doing it.

[NewWaveChick1981]

16. That's exactly why hubby and I opted for a DJ.

A DJ played the songs we wanted (we danced to a particular version of "I Only Have Eyes For You") and did none of the cheesy crap like the Hokey Pokey. All he did was play the music we asked him to. :)

I hate listening to wedding singers. :grr: You're not alone!

[liberalhistorian]

17. It's almost become a ritual of weddings, themselves,

talking about and making fun of the singers! That's part of the fun at the reception, dissecting the wedding and making fun of the performers.

[Hardrada]

27. Not even the Macarena??

I was at this wedding reception when that one came up. Oh and the "Chicken Dance" too! If I still drank this would have been almost funny.

[BlueJazz]

19. I can tell you Why...Liberalhistorian.

As a former 6 day a week musician....

Most "Wedding Bands" are part-timers or people that don't play very often.
When you play and sing 6 nights a week, you are either capable of BEING good
or capable of GETTING good. (or else you don't work 6 days a week)

Part-timers...while not necessarily bad, just don't get in the practice time
or "Gig-Time" to get tight and accomplished on their instrument...
whether it be string, horn or voice.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

20. Yuck! I know what you mean.

I'm getting married (#2 for us both) next January. I had a small wedding the first time (which was fine). He had some huge deal the first time (his ex's "dream wedding") and is more than content to go small. We have kids and pretty stressful jobs, so we are making it a vacation for us. We're getting married in the Caribbean BY OURSELVES and staying a week at the resort. Peace. Heavenly peace. (Music will be by CD only.)

Seems to me people focus more on the wedding than the marriage.

[liberalhistorian]

23. Now, THAT sounds like

the perfect wedding, by yourselves, peace and quiet, congratulations! That's the way it should be, although, if I ever do get married in the future (and I'm nearing 42, so it's getting less and less likely), I think I'd at least want my son and my parents present, if no one else.

And you're right, there's often way too much focus on the WEDDING and not on the marriage itself, which is the really important thing. I'm always amazed at the number of older people having their second or even third wedding and wanting it to be a big to-do, complete with all the fuss and hoopla. You'd think they'd have learned by then!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. I've worked with some really wonderful singers...

...and then there have been others.

I shudder when someone tells me their uncle or cousing is going to sing, and asks if we can accompany them. Oftentimes these people may have lovely voices, but they can't read music, or if they do read music they ignore little details like rests, and have no idea what key they need to sing in.

Once, however, the dreaded Uncle Tenor turned out to be a regular with the Chicago Lyric Opera. What a pleasure!

Occasionally someone will ask me to contract a soloist who can work with our quartet. I always hire wonderful singers. :-)

[taterguy]

22. I saw the Squirrel Nut Zippers at a wedding reception

They didn't suck

[yellowdogintexas]

24. often but not always. My sister's wedding had a wonderful

vocalist..this man has a beautiful pure tenor voice and he hit every note clean and perfect. In real life he was an engineer for Rockwell, but is blessed with a fabulous voice as are many menbers of his immediate and extended families.

I on the other hand, had two weddings and no singers at either one. Didn't want to go to all that trouble, and rehearsing and all. Just some nice instrumental music. And yes I have heard some god awful singers at weddings.

But what is worse is when the bride and groom start singing to each other.

on edit: I am speaking strictly of singers during the actual wedding. Reception entertainment is a different kettle of fish entirely.

[liberalhistorian]

25. OMG, no kidding!

I have, to my great dismay, attended weddings where the happy couple warble to each other, thinking that it's somehow romantic and "cute." Now, I'm as romantic as a woman can get (not that I've had much chance to demonstrate/experience it for a long time, unfortunately), but that is just plain WRONG. It is NOT romantic, it is hokey and downright painful to watch and listen to.

[yellowdogintexas]

29. even when aforementioned persons actually know how to sing

I did not attende this particular wedding but it was in our church and involved the organist's daughter who is an extremely gifted vocalist. The whole family is over the top talented, in fact. I think they all sang and her mother played mom of the bride and played the organ too. My friends who attended said it was fairly wild, and sort of confusing. I am sure the music was damn near perfect but that is just a bit too much. I think most of us expected them to do some sort of family music since they are known for their vocal skills.

now some other people I can think of that I know did this...well...the kindest thing I can say (and I have known these girls since they were born and their mother since I was 12) is that it offered this particular mother of the bride an opportunity to showcase the musical talents of her four children and the future son in law too. My mom said the bride and groom sang, the bride and her sister sang, the bride sang with all three of her siblings. It was lovely music according to my mom and I am not surprised because they all sing well but there is a limit.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

26. Mine didn't.

We had a good friend who was a professional singer (classical; opera and early music repertoire). He did a terrific job -- years later people would tell us it was the best wedding music they'd ever heard. This, unfortunately, did not prevent a subsequent divorce, but at the time we'd made up our minds that we weren't going to ask some tone-deaf relative to "sing." We'd already been to too many weddings like the OP described.

[liberalhistorian]

31. That's wonderful to have

such a friend who's professionally trained, I'm sure it was lovely. I just wish I'd been lucky enough to encounter even one singer like that at all the weddings I've attended through the years, lol.

And I think it's ridiculous that family members expect, and sometimes even demand, that relatives sing at a wedding, regardless of whether or not they can actually sing. It's the couple's wedding and it shouldn't be ruined by bad singers just because they're family. The more I think about it, the more I think I'll just elope if I ever do get married.

[Hardrada]

28. How about wedding receptions where you watch about 45 minutes

of video (DVD now)of pictures of the lives of the bride and groom? This started small with a photo collage and is now kind of gone Hollywood (or at least History Channel). I was at one of these events in Brentwood and maybe Californians go into this sort of thing in a bigger way.

[liberalhistorian]

30. No kidding, and you have to pretend

to be interested in every single picture. It's fun and interesting at first, especially seeing the couple as children, but there's a definite limit. The new (and ridiculous) trend now is "destination weddings", where you have the wedding at an exotic location that is usually far away from where everyone lives, but you still expect your guests to shoulder the expense of flying, hotels, etc., etc., and the wedding activities stretch out for two or even three days. Is it just me, or does it seem that Bridezillas are becoming more common and couples are becoming more and more selfish with weddings?

[Ramsey]

32. Because they are wedding singers

If they were any good, they wouldn't be wedding singers.

[leftofthedial]

33. speaking as a musician,

99% of weddings suck to play

the other one is pretty damned fun though.

[BlueJazz]

34. LOL!...Geez...I've played at one (with a group) and we were told to...

.."Don't drink any of the soda or anything, there's a faucet around the back...and when we eat, try to stay out of sight or go sit in your cars"

(I swear..I started to say: Well..Shoots mistar..we's wills just go around back and
do the Hambone!) :)

[leftofthedial]

39. yeah, it can be pretty demeaning

for many of them, it is the only time in their lives that they book musicians.

[liberalhistorian]

35. Just out of curiosity, why

is that? Do the Bridezillas get too controlling?

[leftofthedial]

36. they usually are extremely controlled by bridezilla or the wedding planner

people (obviously) aren't there for the music. Since they frequently are also a kind of family reunion, there are many, many agendae going on. Weddings also involve groups of diverse ages and musical tastes, so no matter what song you are playing, it is guaranteed to piss the majority of people off. A good wedding band is generally called on to play such a diverse set list that it is quite demanding and not really usually musically rewarding.

[liberalhistorian]

37. The bridezillas and

quite often, their mothers as well, are the ones I would absolutely hate to deal with. People like that just make me want to run screaming for the nearest cliff to jump off of.