My lovesick friend's quest for peace.

[Zhade]

(Names changed to protect the innocent.)

You know how you can get saddled with a burden you never saw coming? I got that right now.

I have a friend, Nancy (she doesn't do DU). Nancy is friends with a couple of cool people, one of whom she used to date. They're all good friends, hang out a lot, help each other out, shop together, etc. Basically, Nancy thinks of this couple as part of her family.

Only problem, she says, is that she's gone and fallen for Greg. They have a lot in common, Nancy really likes hanging out with him, they think alike, hold similar views. It's a case of, maybe if they'd met under different circumstances, they'd be together.

Nancy doesn't want to break up Greg's relationship; even though Greg is often unappreciated and less than happy, she never wants to be the reason for anyone's failed relationship. She's not trying to bring about a relationship with Greg. But she can't help herself - she really loves the guy, and has for the last couple of years.

I've heard how much it hurts her not to be able to say anything past the already-close "I care about you" comments and things to show Greg she's there for him no matter what. She lays awake at night thinking of two things: how she feels about Greg, and how much she wishes she didn't.

She wants to know how she can cope with this without resorting to booze (she kids) or getting really depressed. She's said she doesn't even WANT to love him, but even though she's faced her feelings, acknowledged she can do nothing with them at this point but be as great a friend as possible, and put them away to continue on with daily life, those feelings keep coming up more and more often.

She's afraid she's going to crack. The stress is really getting to her.

I don't know what to tell her. Unrequited love sucks (believe me, I know), but she doesn't know if this is a case of "another time, another place" or "never happen". She knows that nothing will happen while Greg is involved with her former girlfriend (they're bi), and she fears losing her two best friends if Greg knows her feelings and his girlfriend finds out.

What do I say?

[jpgray]

1. Uh... first off how does Greg feel?

And is he really being treated badly or is this info coming by way of aforementioned nancy?

Even if I knew that I can't really answer because I don't know enough about the situ.

[Zhade]

3. Well, I know them both, and I've seen up close how Greg is treated.

It's not always pretty - the girlfriend can be pretty controlling and demanding of others, often.

Greg's feelings about Nancy are unknown. I know Greg is close to Nancy and very good friends - Greg trusts her enough to talk about personal things like his attitude toward his sex life, the three have gone on vacations before, etc.

Mainly, this question is about how Nancy can accept the possibility of never dating Greg and how to deal with the very real feelings she has for him while remaining close to her two best friends.

[skygazer]

2. This is not your burden

I learned a long time ago not to take on my friends burdens. Listen to them, be there for support, let them cry on my shoulder but don't try to solve their problems. Only they can do that.

As for Nancy's problem, well it's a biggie. Unfortunately, about the only options she has are to either make up her mind it's not going to happen and remain friends with them both, distance herself from both of them to avoid her own pain or try to break up a relationship between friends.

None of them are any fun but ultimately it's her call. Your role is to provide that shoulder I mentioned.

[Zhade]

4. Yeah, I know. I just feel like I understand the situation...

...and should be able to tell her how I'd react if I were in that situation, while stressing that my reaction's not meant to be her solution.

The problem for Nancy is Greg's unknown feelings. Greg knows she's (literally) dreamed of being with him, and didn't respond negatively at all when told. He knows she cares for him, and that doesn't faze him - he doesn't feel at all uncomfortable with her being around.

She thinks, since he's in a relationship, that he won't even consider that he might have feelings for her. It's the not knowing that's so hard on her. If she KNEW that it would never happen, she could move on and deal with it.

I don't want to solve Nancy's problem, but I do want her not to hurt.

[Zhade]

5. self-delete

mispost