Got a problem? Post here for advice from a drunk.

[jane_pippin]

It's my day off and I spent the better part of the afternoon enjoying delicious beer and reading a book in the sun. I'm tanned, tipsy, and feeling altruistic, as is often the case when beer is involved, (and not interested in cleaning the house just yet either), so post your problems, I'll finish my Sprecher Amber, and then I'll make it all better*.

Come on...there's no advice like tanked up advice, and you know it.

Hop to it.









*not a guarantee

[Midlodemocrat]

1. I can't find my checkbook. The one with no money in it, but it

has a really nice Vera Bradley cover. And, I can't find the other one either, the one that I use to fund the kids' Visa Buxx accounts.

:cry:

[jane_pippin]

5. First, interrogate the children.

I know, I know, it's ugly business but it must be done.

If that yields nothing, use the same tactics on yourself. It will be painful, but some introspection may bring about unexpected enlightenment in matters both related and not related to the missing checkbook.

If both of these methods fail, use the old "retrace your steps" standby.

If that's no good, you have no choice but to clean your house and/or car as if you were about to move out of state. Not the best news for a nice weekend day, but life is hard and these things happen.

Good luck to you. :hi:

[Midlodemocrat]

7. I've done all that.

I fear the worst. I fear that my lovely Vera Bradley pink paisley checkbook cover is gone for good.



Damn husband and his quadruple bypass. I keep losing things. Why can't he think about me for a change?

[jane_pippin]

14. It will turn up when you least expect it.

That's usually the way these things go anyway.

Sorry about the health troubles recently. I hope everything is going as well as it can be, missing checkbook notwithstanding. :hug:

[ghostsofgiants]

2. Why can't my brother ever seem to beat me at NHL '06 for PS2?

[jane_pippin]

6. Because he's lazy and won't take practice seriously.

Hand-eye coordination is not a god-given talent and if he ever wants to whip your ass he'd better get wise. Until then, enjoy the sweet taste of victory.

:hi:

[ghostsofgiants]

8. But he's the one who plays the game 24/7

I rarely ever touch a video game controller.

[jane_pippin]

12. Then he must accept his fate and give you due respect.

Perhaps you could let him beat you at chess or shuffleboard to maintain brotherly respect.

[ghostsofgiants]

15. Good call.

Off to the shuffleboard court I go!

[WCGreen]

3. Okay....

HEre it comes....

Oh, fuck....

I forgot...

[jane_pippin]

9. Enjoy some ginseng and/or garlic

There's a whole aisle at Walgreens that claims it's good for this sort of thing.

:hi:

[WCGreen]

43. Garlic repells Fleas.....

Even if they are buck naked and playing a wicked bass line...

[LeftyMom]

4. How can I convince the other adults in the house to wash thier own clothes

or at least not leave them off of the floor?

[jane_pippin]

10. Burn them in a fire pit.

That'll teach them the value of being clothed.

:hi:

edit: burn the clothes, not the adults

[Midlodemocrat]

11. Reluctantly, I second this advice.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[KyndCulture]

13. Do I make another Bloody Mary and stay on DU or go do the dishes?

It's a moral dilemma.

[jane_pippin]

17. Bloody Mary!

The dishes will still be there after you have one, and with another bloody in you, you might be inclined to sing as you wash thus making an unpleasant chore slightly more fun.

:hi:

[KyndCulture]

20. Excellent advice.

I'm sure my cat will ever so appreciate me singing in the kitchen.... maybe I'll work my alcohol stream up for an ABBA medley!


:)

[liberalitch]

16. Do YOU know where my mailbox key is?

....if it were up my ass i'd know it. (I just wanted to head that one off at the pass)

[jane_pippin]

18. It's not in the mailbox, is it?

That would be a pain.

Maybe it's in the fridge. Sometimes shit just winds up there for some reason or another.

:hi:

[liberalitch]

48. Nope...

I think it's at the commie's job..... but he swears "Noooooo."

[Ptah]

19. If I see my ex (divorced nineteen years) in the grocery store

Should I speak up or qoute Auntie Em?

"Almira Gulch, just because you own half the
county doesn't mean you have the power to
run the rest of us! For twenty-three years,
I've been dying to tell you what I thought
of you! And now -- well, being a Christian
woman, I can't say it!"

[jane_pippin]

22. My first instinct says "let it go, it's not worth it"

but the beer says to put a package of pig's feet in her cart when she's not looking so she'll have to either take them home and deal with them or question her memory at the checkout line when the clerk scans them.

Best to stick with the first instinct here, I think. Beer doesn't always know best. (sorry beer.)

:hi:

[Ptah]

28. Actually, we're good friends and partners raising our children.

So, I find it mostly easy.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

:hi:

[jane_pippin]

30. Aw, well then be polite and say "hi, how are ya"

and go about the rest of your day knowing you're a good person. :thumbsup:

[Ptah]

32. That's a lot better than:

You f'n b'h, you abadonned us.

How dare you smile at me, you deserter.

Where is your sugar daddy now?

He's dead!

:catch my breath:

[taterguy]

21. How many more miles should I ride on my bike trainer?

[jane_pippin]

23. A million.

It will take forever and hurt--it may even encroach on your personal relationships--but it's worth it to have the mightiest thigh muscles ever. And, once they see them, your loved ones will understand why you had to do what you had to do. Ron Howard will have nothing on the happy ending that will emerge.

:hi:

[taterguy]

25. I'll see ya in ten years

[ZombieNixon]

24. OK...help me get my values out of the Matrix.

If matrix M is equal to matA*matB and vector w = <A(0,2), A(1,2), A(2,2)> = <B(2,0), B(2,1), B(2,2)> which is the arbitrary axis of rotation, and I need find to find the angle between vectors u and v, represented by the unspecified portions of matrices A and B.

My question is: should I attempt to solve this problem or go eat chips and queso? :shrug:

[jane_pippin]

27. Ask yourself what day this is.

You answer, "Saturday," no?

Assume X=Fun, Y=Saturday, and Z=math.

Y+Z (insert "equal sign with line through it here" because I'm too lazy to figure out how to type it) X

Got it, nerdlinger?

Go eat some herking chips, friend.

:hi:

Edit: drunk grammar issues

[deucemagnet]

26. Well, I've been drinking beer while doing yardwork today...

...but since I'm an angry drunk today, I think I'll pick a fight with you rather than ask for advice, 'cuz I'm obviously drunker, and therefore more knowledegable about the ways of the world, as well as nigh invulnerable in a fist fight.

WELL! *hic* Givin' advice, eh? *hic* See, yur not as smart as you think I am! *hic* I don't need no advize from no jane_pipppippiden. Wha' you think yur bettre than me? *hic* Well I oughtta grgh ugh *zzzzzzzzz* Wha?

[jane_pippin]

31. *smashes whiskey bottle*

Ok then. Let's play some pinball and put this ugliness behind us.

:hi:

[deucemagnet]

35. LOL! Good answer!

Now you're my best friend for the next 20 minutes, after which I'll get I'll get all weepy over something stupid for 10 minutes, after which you're my best friend again, after which I'll pass out, forgetting all that has transpired over the last 30 minutes.

[jane_pippin]

36. Sounds like a plan.

:thumbsup:

[DawgHouse]

29. Tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of meeting my wonderful S/O.

I am sure he has something big planned. I have been ill so I haven't even been able to get to the store to buy a card for him. Am I in big trouble or is there something else I can do to save this relationship?

What do men want, anyway?

[jane_pippin]

34. Ok, you're bedridden, but you still have a few options:

1. If you have any lipstick around, write "I love you" on your tummy with it. It's charming enough and weird enough that it just might work.

2. If that's not an option for whatever reason, find a way to get him/her out of the house so you can make a gift out of pasta for him/her. (An elbow macaroni necklace, a picture frame made from different kinds of pasta, whatever. It's the thought that counts.)

3. Pop in a favorite movie, turn the phone(s) off, order some decent take-out, and spend some quiet time together on the couch.

:hi:

edit: I keep forgetting to add the little wavy guy, damn it.

[A HERETIC I AM]

37. You forgot the peanut butter and marshmallow fluff option....

placed in particular places....never mind

[jane_pippin]

40. And then there's that.

See, you don't even need drunk advice. You already knew what to do. You're kind of like Dorothy. :D

[A HERETIC I AM]

33. I'm drunker than you. I am going to go for a drive now.

I just gave her a wax job.


Driving. Good idea or bad idea?

And no editorializing about "Dont drink and drive, you might spill your drink"

I have to get from here to there. Should i use "The Blue Comet" or not?

[jane_pippin]

38. Can you wait a little while?

Or call a cab or get a ride or walk?

Don't drink and drive--we don't want to lose you. Better to take a cab and have to come get the car later than have something terrible happen.

:hi:

[atomic-fly]

39. I tried to get drunk recently....

but I was stuffed after two beers. I gave up.
I am a lightweight. Not drunk...stuffed.

[jane_pippin]

41. Welcome to my world.

Being a lightweight works out well when you're poor.

:toast:

[jane_pippin]

42. Ok, time to clean the house and take a shower...

I'll be back later, possibly after more delicious beer, to tend to your woes should you desire it.

Take care

:hi:

[otherlander]

44. I want to refuse to pay my taxes next year...

but that would be a felony. And then they'd never let me vote. Also they'd make me pay fines, which would probably come out to be more than the taxes would have been in the first place. What should I do? Ever since I payed my taxes, I've been getting harassed by birds that keep flying at me which I am convinced are attempting to carry out karmic revenge! Gah!

[RetroLounge]

45. I am enamored with a fellow DU'er

Should I take road trip and go visit her?

RL

[spacelady]

46. I'm married, but come visit anyway. (tipsy response)

[RetroLounge]

47. Hmmmm, sounds tempting...

:hi:

RL