The Fast and the Furious: Tijuana Backflip.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

So I'm reading in the paper this morning about how some parents are upset about the new movie The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It seems they're concerned that the movie will make kids get into their cars and cause horrible wrecks. I disagree with these parents. Movies don't cause horrible wrecks; teenagers do. Teenagers have been causing horrible wrecks since they invented the chariot. Teenagers will continue to cause horrible wrecks until the day we outlaw teenagers. But what interests me is all the new and exciting ways teenagers find to get into wrecks.

Now, the way I understand it is, the original The Fast and the Furious was a big inspiration for the craze among teenagers for sporty compact imports. It's all very clever. For years now teenagers have been taking the shitty used Japanese compacts their parents bought them for their 16th birthday and modifying them into badass racing machines. The modifications usually include the three foot high Superbird-inspired spoilers, the shiny mufflers that work backwards, and the sand blasted quarter panels that they never get around to actually painting. Perhaps you've seen these cars. You usually notice them when they're doing jackrabbit starts, going 0-30 in an astonishing six seconds, and with a purr-like 120 db.

And now there's The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. The new gimmick with this one is something called "drifting." If you don't know what drifting is, here's how it works: with liberal use of the gas, turning the wheel hard to either side, and liberal, simultaneous, application of the handbrake, you can get the car to spin around in circles- sideways. Much like when Mr. McGoo mistakes the ice skating rink for the carwash. It actually looks kind of cool, in a "Look at me! I'm stupid!" sort of way. But I'm more interested in what sort of damage these kids will be doing to their steering, their brakes, their tires, and whatever inanimate object they slide into- sideways.

So I'm currently looking for investors for my new sure-fire Hollywood hit. I'm calling it "The Fast and the Furious: Tijuana Backflip." The gimmick for this one is a little practiced racing maneuver, wherein if you go down the road really fast and quickly slam the transmission into reverse you can, if you're cool, make the car do a 360 degree backflip. I haven't got a script but that's not important right now. The movie is set in the mean, but glamorous, streets of Tijuana, where all the world's raciest racers gather to race. The plot involves lots of racing, boobs, and the unique South-of-the-Border style of backflip-racing. In the movie's finale our hero, Thrust Strongboy, slams his transmission into reverse, turns hard left, hits the accelerator, and turns the ignition on and off real fast, resulting in a successful double backflip with half-gainer twist over the top of the ethnic bad guy's car to win the race and the girl. It shouldn't cost that much to make. We've got plenty of stock footage of cars and boobs, and we can save money by doing the backflips with CGI.

I think we've got a blockbuster on our hands. So here's to the future- fat box office receipts, and our streets littered with the carcasses of thousands of ruined transmissions!

[Blue-Jay]

1. www.laughatrice.com

www.laughatrice.com