Moms: Anyone ever done Tough Love?

[Mari333]

I am doing it....boy is it hard....Nothing harder.

[MissMarple]

1. Courage! It is for the best.

:hug:

[cigarstore]

2. You raising boys or girls or both?

[Mari333]

3. have 3 sons, One is the one I have to do tough love with

He is 21 and keeps coming home for me to "save him" from his fears. I wont. He stayed for a week here, almost drove me crazy whining. I finally told him to GO AWAY. He knows I love him, but I am not going to rescue him from his problems. He is a grown up. He knows where the counselor is...he knows where to get help. I cant rescue him anymore. I have to take care of myself first.

[HEyHEY]

4. I don't know the history

But make sure he knows that you do love him and are doing this for his benefit. It can be easy for a young man to feel unloved.

[Mari333]

5. I tell him I love you

But many times I dont like your behaviour. He already knows I love him. But I cant "fix" his problems. I cant bail him out. I cant be his counselor, I cant be his rescuer. He is 21 and I tell him I have confidence he will take care of himself fine. But I will NOT allow him to emotionally abuse me.

[Cheswick2.0]

8. 21 is not exactly grown up

Unless he is a major addict, keeping drugs in the house and stealing from you or physically abusing you why are you doing this? If he is just a mean snotty pain in the ass it's just a stage. So far you have said he is fearful and whining. Have you ever been afraid and alone? I have and it sucks.

I certainly hope he has somewhere else to go besides on the street.

[cigarstore]

11. Where's his father?

[cigarstore]

12. Make sure you love him by booting his ass

Tell him you love him, then boot him in the ass, then tell him you love him again.

Show the utmost confidence in his ability to deal with life on an adult level. By allowing him to lean on you, you are undermining his self-pride which all young men need.

It seems he already has a well-established pattern of shirking responsibility. Help him break it now

[trof]

6. My sister-in-law

3 kids, daughter, son, son.
The oldest son was hell on wheels, drugs, general hell raising, etc., the other two...you couldn't ask for nicer.
Went to a good shrink and he convinced them that it was not their fault.
His dad got him a job at the same plant where he worked and told him "sink or swim". They kicked him out of the house at 18 or 19.
He finally straightened out and now he's married with two daughters and a pleasure to be around again.

Take heart.
Best of luck to you.

[WWW]

7. Every day..

But not yet to your extent...My heart goes out to you. :) Hang in there. I know of no one that ever said parenting was an easy job. Maybe you can write him a letter telling him how much you love him. Something he can read when he is dealing with a personal issue and know that you are there for him.

[Ilsa]

9. I have a younger brother with problems.

My parents, now dad only, enabled him for years. When my dad is gone, it's over, but I don't think he realizes that yet. It'll be tough love only, no enabling.

[catzies]

10. Yes. Hugs to you. You need them.

:hug:

To make a long story short, my daughter was evil incarnate from the ages of 13-16. She's 23 now and looks back on some of her actions toward me with regret.

I hope and pray you make it through. My daughter and I did, and believe it or not, she is sincerely remorseful. I didn't do anything for her to reach that conclusion; she did it on her own.

In my experience, everyone turns out the way they want. Your child is at a crossroads; only he knows which road to take and knows how he wants to turn out. You can lead, guide, cajole, beg, guilt, scream, bribe. It is up to them -- after giving them the proper tools of course. But in the end, you can only do so much and they have to WANT to be a good person.

Every day I'm so thankful my daughter decided she wanted to be a good person. If she hadn't wanted to, believe me (because you don't know her) there was NOTHING I could have ever done.

[cigarstore]

13. He's tougher than you know.

[BigDaddyLove]

14. I know I am going to get proverbially killed for saying this...........

but I think Americans on the whole are pussies when it comes to challenging emotional situations

Life is hard.

Sadly, this society tells you that if something doesn't suit you or doesn't make you feel good or doesn't go the way you want it to go, then you should just get rid of it. If your marriage isn't perfect, get a divorce, if your kids are hard to understand or control, then get rid of them too, either with Ritalin or with Tough Love.

No one seems particularly committed to making a very tough situation better by doing whatever it takes to make it better, most folks seem O.K. with giving up and moving on. I think that's sad, and I think it's a lot more destructive for everyone involved.

I in no way mean any of this to be pointed directly at you Mari333, because I don't know exactly what's going on in your particular situation, it's just the way I feel in general whenever this topic comes up.

[bleedingheart]

15. yeah...every day

my kids are little though...and tough love for them is taking away favorite toys for bad behavior, time out and the parental stare down...

My son has restricted privs right now for giving lip to his teacher. He lost his prized yugioh cards..(big waste of money) and he has been as good as gold hoping to get them back...I am thinking about drawing that out for as long as possible.

My daughter has influenza, gave it to me too, and would spill her medicine under her pillow (wondered why the fever wasn't responding to meds)... she got a severe talking to and she is monitored very closely now. (I also admonished my husband for leaving the room when she was taking the meds..) We had the big stare down last night and I explained that I was the adult and she was the child and that she was going to take the medicine or else she would lose her prize toys for a week....worked like a charm.

Tonight she went to bed very early because she refused to eat the very nice meal my husband cooked for her and stuck her tongue out at him....

[Lydia Leftcoast]

16. I don't know your situation

but I know a 47-year-old man who has never held a fulltime job (he's neither retarded nor disabled) and keeps sponging off his relatives, especially his parents, who have now used up all their savings. Various relatives put him through college, gave him money to buy a car, and subsidized his rent. He keeps saying that he's trying to make it as a professional classical guitarist and composer, but I've heard him play his own compositions, and he's mediocre at best. (This is in contrast to someone else I know who has *successfully* supported himself as a free-lance classical musician and composer for over twenty years.)

In Oregon I knew a young semi-delinquent whose grandmother spoiled him. When he made a demand, grandma dropped everything and met it.

Only you know your son's situation, Mari, but since he is 21, he should be able to survive without being bailed out.

One caveat: I would NEVER turn a teenager out of the house. I used to volunteer with street kids, many of whom were "throwaways." Being thrown out of the house could be a death sentence, between the drugs, the STDs including AIDS, and the violence among street people.