I've been hurt all my life. Why haven't I capitulated?

[Deja Q]

Do the weak enslave themselves? In ways I am weak.

Gay men scoff at me. (So do hetero men, but I'd expect "my own kind" to be not so cruel.)

I was surprised the other day when a woman at a training seminar, when responding to my joke about having no social life, said she wanted to give me one. :) nice on her part, but I do lack the quality that every human wants: Self-assuredness. I am genuinely tempted to pursue this, but there are reasons why I've put up an emotional barrier and am maintaing distance. (not for what you may be thinking right now... not by a long shot. I do not wish to hurt her feelings and I have unintentionally done that in the past to people. I do not wish to hurt people.)

In a different department (predominanmtly female-based and they're all married, engaged, or have boyfriends), there were rumors of me being gay. I don't recall the comment I made, but the response was given the tone that being gay is a rather bad thing. Dunno why they'd care, they all have men and none of them was showing an interest in me, but that's their loss. :rofl:

Never mind what gay-bashers do, and did me as a child and teen and even early adult, before I retreated.

No doubt some of this lack of self-assuredness problem stems from the environment I was unable to escape. Which isn't solely restricted to perceived sexuality, it's not the only impetus. Particularly when I showed no signs of either until my early 20s. What did some see that others did not? A good guess, unfortunately they used their powers of gaydar for evil and rottenness...

This isn't a pity thread, I don't care what he thinks. He is an arrogant snot anyway. But I digress. If it was, I'd be asking for advice. I am not. I just want people to know that one's environment can shape people in ways that hurt them for life. And some people, despite it all, are still good and want to do the right things in life. That's why I keep to myself and learn things. That hasn't helped me ability to be social either.

Of course, technical support (which is rather like a jigsaw puzzle) is now seen as worthy as a worm taking a dump on the sidewalk, but nothing's perfect...