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This will contain spoilers and foul language. Avert your eyes.
This will contain spoilers. Avert your eyes.
The Good: The X in the Fox logo. Young Patrick seemed a little artificial to me in the first shot, but got better as my eyes adjusted. The theme seemed, I must say, bad, but it grew on me. The credit sequence, shifting from the microscopic view the first two use to the "real" world and back, was cool. The music grew on me. Colossus, baby! Fastball special! The "cocoon" mention, when that was how the real Jean survived while the Phoenix impersonated her in the comics, was cool. The blocks Xavier placed in her mind to keep her powers under control was in line. Mystique refusing to respond to her "slave name" made me smile. Did I call it or did I call it when I mused, weeks before the movie was released, the "more powerful than you" line referred, not to the kid as the trailers implied, but to Magneto? Mystique turning on Magneto was a brilliant trick; but its impetus made no sense, and its resolution was stupid (see below). Beast was brilliant; they could not have made a better choice for him. The various action scenes were done fairly well, with a few things that annoyed me (see below again). When Jean fully adopts the Phoenix personality, she starts wearing the same color that Magneto did many years ago.
The Bad: Oh, God, where do I begin. First, Jean. Young Jean was a bitch. She should not have been a bitch. She should have been terrified. Jean Grey was originally traumatized and withdrew from the world when her best friend died in her arms, and she felt every second of it. She was not a petty little sociopath-in-training with the power to become more. That she would so callously kill Cyclops and Xavier but let Logan kill her is retarded. As is the whole concept of the "alternate personality": Phoenix is not an alternate personality; it is what happens to the best of us when we accrue too much power. Can you imagine begin able to edit matter on the atomic level? That's how much telekinesis Phoenix has. And can you imagine what you would do with it? I thought so. Phoenix is not a metaphor for the id; Phoenix is power, like the Ring. Further, her body "corrupting" when she went all Dark Phoenix-y--who does Rattner think he is? Lucas? Phoenix's casual destruction of the three mutants that had tried to kill Angel's dad was jarring and stupid, even though she's gone batshit. What, just because they're bad guys we can't let 'em get away? Phoenix didn't end any other mutants in that entire sequence; she just evaporated marines.
I'm a little bemused that Multiple Man seemed to be wearing an X-Men uniform. The double-power of Callisto (I think it was) of super speed and the power-sensor was strained credulity, which in a sci-fi action movie's givens does not bode well for your ability to write. (Look for a future rant: things should make sense in your movie.) Alkali or whatever the Prince-a-like-with-tits was named could have been removed entirely and her one scene where she does anything altered to have Magneto do it for her. (See below.) Magneto callously leaving Mystique behind? He would have at least given her a coat or something. Suddenly human or not, she was his right hand for all three movies up to that point. Then, Mystique turns on him--understandable--and gives the government...false information? Durr. Another thing that did not make sense to me was the guy who could regrow his body parts entirely in seconds. That's healing on a level that Wolverine could never match. And that has severe implications on the previous movies...
I love Storm. Storm consistently ranks as one of the three most powerful active X-Men in the comics and by the end of the this movie is the most powerful member of the team. Storm is often portrayed as second only to Cyclops as a field leader of the X-Men in the comics. But Halle Berry is not Storm, and her insistence that Storm's role in the movie be elevated--this after she went and destroyed her career in Catwoman--can be felt from before she even appears on the screen. Yes, when Storm is angry, she can affect the weather to the point of causing storms. Simmering resentment, as shown here, would as most cause localized fog. In addition, Storm is regal and dignified; before Xavier found her, she was worshipped as a goddess by some. Halle Berry can't pull this off no matter how she tries. Lastly, Storm is not as physically dangerous as most other people in the team. She's the equivalent of a high-level mage in D&D--yeah, she's got all the heavy artillery, but close with her and she's fucked. Plus, they overused the eye effect. And Storm doesn't kill people, even when she's angry.
(You can tell this movie was directed by the same idiot who did Rush Hour and the like, because the only people who matter are the main characters. The rest are fodder to be killed, dismembered, incinerated, eck cetera, and this is done by the good guys.)
A great line from the trailer was excised. This confuses me. "You go to war, you might not come home. She might not come home; you ready for that?" This was left out, and "What have I done?" was kept?
Magneto not able to affect plastics? Please. Everything can be affected by a magnetic field. You think a magnetic field that can contain a fusion reaction couldn't hold back a plastic bullet? Hell, in the novel of X2 they note that Magneto was able to stop plastic bullets in midair, precisely because they were in a base constructed mostly of metals. The "plastic prison" only worked because they did everything they could to isolate him from magnetic fields of any sort, and even a tiny amount of material was enough to give him his powers back. The mountain it was buried under was nonferrous; the guards watched their diet; the prison was plastic; and so on. Let me ask you, what was Magneto standing on in that last battle scene? BZZZT. Too late. A BIG FUCKING METAL BRIDGE.
On the subject of that scene... "The pawns go first." Yes, they are expendable. But a smart chess player knows that the pawn is the most useful piece in the game. Notably, the king is less powerful than the pawn, if only because of its distinct vulnerability. You'd think such an avid chess player would know this...
Speaking of which, shame on the screenwriters for making so many allusions to the earlier (better) movies. The scene at the end with Magneto; his line about "Homo sapiens and their guns"...
Lastly, one thing, one single thing took it from "meh, with a side of bad" to "absolute shit". Rogue gives up her powers? Bullshit. Rattner? Would you, along with two screenwriters known to authorities as Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn, meet me at the next paragraph.
Hi. Let me explain something to you, you Three Douchebags. X-Men is about being happy with who you are. X-Men's mutancy started as a metaphor for race and has expanded to include sexual orientation: the point being you cannot choose it; you are born to to it. I like what you did with treating the "cure" as a weapon, as something abominable and to be used only in the most dire circumstances, if at all. Fine and well and good. But then you had Rogue choose to lose her power. This is utterly ridiculous. Yeah, her power's inconvenient, damn inconvenient. Moreso than anyone else, perhaps. But it's always been that way, and it does have its benefits, and she's never stopped trying to gain control over it.
If a fourth movie is made, I hope it comes out that the X-gene suppressant is not permanent. They've had this kid for, what, a month? How do they know that the suppression is permanent, as they claim? Maybe it's like a vaccine, and would have to get renewed every few years...and with Worthington having seen the light and kid probably not wanting to do it anymore, who's going to make new doses?
The Verdict: One word: shit. Okay, two: it stinks. Okay, three: DIE BRETT RATNER.
I was so disgusted I didn't even stay through the credits to see if there were Easter Eggs or listen to the music, and I don't feel regret even now that a review confirmed there was something there.
I felt like someone who had expected more dark Gothic fun after having seen Batman and Returns, and getting Batman Forever. Except worse.
Are you getting the point yet?
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