Just wait until Foucault's Pendulum The Movie (Spoilers)

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

I'm working on the adaptation right now. I figure since all the soccermoms are busy at the watercooler talking about the Templars and the Albinogensian Crusade, this adaptation will be a surefire hit. The protagonist Maria Casaubon (Hillary Duff) is a struggling single mother who works for the NSA. Her mentor (and secretly her father) is Belpo, a bitter old expert NSA agent who plays things by the book. This will be Sean Connery's comeback role. Together they use the top secret NSA computer (voice of Kelsey Grammer) to analyze books that debunk Dan Brown for hidden connections. Now I figure we can cut about eight hundred pages of European history from the middle. That bomb on the train in Italy should be on the monorail in Disneyland. The Sean Connery character is actually the surprise villain. I've done some focus group testing and that whole "it's just a laundry list" thing just doesn't connect with our key demographic. The surprise twist is that there actually is a conspiracy. And I've added a more life-affirming ending. I've slated John Waters to direct. I'm hoping that he and I can write in a small role for Fred Phelps, who can attack Ricki Lake with a cattle prod and eat shit straight from the poodle's anus. The only thinga left to do is film it, change the title to "Harold and Kumar's Pendulum," get the pope to condemn it (shouldn't be too hard), get Umberto Eco to sue us for plagiarism (we'll offer him a cut of the ticket sales), and convince Oprah to put the novel on her reading list. It won't exactly be Casablanca, but it'll be better than this new Tom Hanks movie.

[trof]

1. I smell Oscar.

See you at Morton's, baby.
;-)