This might be an ignorant question

[Nikia]

I'd like to apologize in advance if this comes off sounding ignorant or bigoted, but I guess I am ignorant so it is why I am asking. My sister is in a serious relationship with a 35 year old man who moved to the U.S. when he was three with his family. His parents who have been here for over thirty years do not speak a word of English. He is not a U.S. citizen and has no intention of becoming one despite living here all of his memorable life. Is this family normal? Are there reasons that an immigrant might not want to learn a few phrases of the common language of the country that they have settled in? Is this a way of excluding people not in their ethnic group? Why would a middle aged man who has benefitted from an American education and always worked in the U.S. not want to become a citizen? I guess that I am just a little concerned that my sister is not fully accepted by his parents since we are not members of that ethnic group and that she will be forced into living their lifestyle if they were to get married. I am also afraid that if they were to marry and have children that he might leave and take the kids with him. Again, I apologize. I know how it sounds but is this sort of thing common?They live in a major metropolitian area.

[HEyHEY]

1. It's common

I wouldn't worry about it, he probably doesn't want to be a citizen cause he could loose his other country's citizenship. As for the language, I'd say it can be common, let's face it they just may be lazy.

[blondeatlast]

4. My husband is an Indian national and

if he became an American citizen he would run into so many complications if he re-entered India that it is just not practical for him to do so. Even as a visitor he would be sorely harrassed by his country's immigration enforcement, so he retains his Indian passport.

As for the language issue, my educated GUESS is that first of all, it is very difficult to learn another language as an adult. I also assume they live amongst people from the same country/ethnicity.

I have several neighbors who speak very little English and are really not trying. Personally, I have no problem with it; I speak Spanish reasonably well and I take advantage of them to practice. They do business only with other Latinos (although thye have done some work for us).

I had suspicions of my neighbors at first and especially of my husband's lack of desire to become a citizen. Try looking for the simplest answer (besides that they hate us--they don't). It worked for me.

[XanaDUer]

2. I know of families like this...

there would be grandparents/parents/aunts/uncles who lived in the us for years and did not or could not learn English. Why, I cannot fathom.

My friends would get frustrated, because, even as kids and young adults, they would have to be the buffer/translator between the family and the outside (English-speaking) world, and it would get to them after a while to have that responsibility on them.

My mother grew up in a German-American neighborhood in the '40s, and she told me it was the same thing-sometimes the kids would yell at the parents to speak English or try to learn some of it.

I myself would be really uncomfortable in another country if I was unable to read or converse in a minimal way with the outside world in the native language.

[supernova]

3. Well, learning 2nd languages is very difficult

It's not at all unusual for immigrants to wind up not learning to speak the language of their adopted country. It can be difficult for a variety of reasons:

- education level. The less education you have the more difficult it will be for you to learn to read and write the 2nd language, even if you live in it 24/7. If you are illilerate in your native langauge, chances are you'll be illiterate in the 2nd language too.

- Kids. Kids learn the language and come home to play translator for mom and dad. While this does work, it often puts the kids in the unfair position of being the family grownup way too soon.

- Language communities. If you immigrate to a place where a lot of your own native speakers already live, it's less likely you'll have to learn the new language.

- personality differences. Because they're more social and have more interactions during the day, extroverts have an easier time picking up the new language (at least spoken) than introverts.

As to why the boyfriend doesn't want to be naturalized, (I'm assuming he has a green card), maybe doesn't feel the need.

[SOteric]

5. Honestly not abnormal.

Many cultures are far more interdependent, far more family and community-based than is modern day America. It could feel to many as though adopting America as a new home would be tantamount to abandoning their family and their cultural identity. However much we may feel that need not be true, we're not the people who'd be hurting family. We're not the folks who's community of origin would feel abandoned.

My parents moved to this country from Italy. They chose a neighbourhood in San Francisco which veritably guarranteed that they need not learn English nor much of American culture. It was a decade and a half later before they allowed themselves to integrate into the American culture.

[Kat45]

6. A friend of mine married into a similar situation.

The family did learn English, but only spoke it when they had to (for business or whatever). The family never totally accepted her (even though they denied it). They thought she should have learned their language as soon as she married him! She would invite them over for the holidays, cook a nice meal, etc. and they would insist on speaking their language even though she and her mother didn't speak it and they could speak English just fine. They go to his (ethnic) church; she lost the argument about their school and the kids got sent to the school run by the church.

I'm not saying your sister's S.O. is like this, but my friend's husband is also physically and emotionally abusive, and she's been terrified to leave him--she fears he would leave and take the kids with him. And when she told his mother--and also the priest--about the abuse, they didn't seem to believe her.

Of course, it depends on the individual people and situation; this is not necessarily her story. (I also think it may be more likely with some ethnicities than others, just because of the culture and ways of the group.)

[Nikia]

7. I'll try to keep an open mind

Thanks for the advice and possible explanations and assuring me that it is common. They are a very close family and all live within a couple of blocks. I think that she understands that she would be marrying the family as well if she married her boy friend. She said that his family sort of reminds her of the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."