I am going to cry. Vent.

[LaraMN]

I have a headache that's radiating into (or up from) my jaw. The kids are acting like they had crack muffins for breakfast, and I'm still not recovered from the stomach flu I had LAST weekend?! The thing that's really getting to me, though, is that my little Jack starts preschool this Wednesday.

I'm sure he'll enjoy it, and it will be a good experience for him, but it's breaking my heart. It's only a few days a week, for a few hours each time, but I'm just sick about it. I suppose ultimately, it's the "letting him go" part that brings such anguish. Since the day he was born, the crux of my worries about him having Downs have not rested on anything so much as my sheer, gut-wrenching fear of how other people will hurt him. To this point in time, he's never been more than seconds from my arms, and blissfully unaware of any negative sentiments aimed toward him. Letting him leave signals the beginning of the end, for me. It's the end of my ability to protect him, and the thought of it is like someone pouring scalding salt water into my open chest. It doesn't matter to me that he has an extra chromosome, looks a bit different than the rest of us, or follows a different path, but it will matter to some people, and they will be cruel. They will call him a "retard." They will make fun of him. God forbid, someone might abuse him. And ultimately, there are significant limits to what I can do to prevent it. any of it.

No real need to respond. I just needed to say it. There's no one irl right now who wants to hear it I'm sure, except my friend, and I haven't had a chance to talk to her, lately.

[lizziegrace]

1. He lucky to have you

you'll always be his port in the storm. It was so hard sending my "normal" little girl out into the world. Sending your sweet little Jack out must be agonizing.

:hug: to you.

[LaraMN]

2. Thanks, Lizzie.

:hug:

I thought I was really ok with the idea of sending him off, until it was suddenly looming over my head. I can have him transported to and from preschool, through the early intervention program, but I refused. I'm at LEAST going to bring him in the door, and be waiting outside when he's done!

[RevCheesehead]

3. You needed to say it, and we're here to love you, Lara.

The beautiful thing about Downs kids (or, as I prefer, "Ups"), is that they radiate joy and love wherever they go.

Jack is so lucky to have you for his mom. You give him what you can, you hope he has a few tools to use out there. But there is NOTHING more disarming than a hug and a smile. For the one or two people who might be mean to him, there will be dozens of others who will come to know him for who he is, and love and cherish him.

You let go, but do it with faith - and know that in the bad days, you are there to comfort him, and bring back his smile and love. Just like any other kid.

(((:hug:)))

[lizziegrace]

6. Rev

You always find the perfect words.

:hug:

[LaraMN]

10. Thanks, Rev.

I think that if there is one thing I hope to raise him with, it's strength of character. He (like any of us, of course) needs that. I feel that if he can be the kind of person who knows how to let things go, and take things in stride, it will make all the difference in his life.

You're right, too- he's tremendously charming and affectionate. The employees at the bank and the grocery store see us coming and they light up- they always remember him and how he blows them kisses.:D We couldn't leave a restaurant last month, until he hugged ALL the waitresses. Even the kitchen staff were poking their heads out to see him, he caused such a scene.

I just love him so much, I want everyone else to love him too, y'know?

[RevCheesehead]

19. They already do, Lara.

Is this the same guy that wrestled you out of his highchair? If so, then you already know he has strength and spirit!

I firmly believe that God gives us the "differently-abled" to teach us something special about life. What an honor to have him in your life! Some of my best times in life have been spent with those who are, for lack of a better word, "different." What I've learned is that I'm the one who is missing something about the beauty of life. They are the ones who radiate the love of God, and the love of living.

You realize, don't you, that this post is useless without pictures? I wanna see him!! :D

[LaraMN]

42. Well, if you INSIST....

(as if I don't plaster his face everywhere, every chance I get...)
:D

A couple years ago...with his best buddy, my oldest:



A very recent one:

[RevCheesehead]

48. Blowing a kiss to Mommy, I see....

He's a knockout! All the girls are gonna love on him, so you better be prepared! (yeah, just what a mom wants to hear!)

(Sorry I was late in responding. my brother's family stopped in, and just now left to go back to Pennsylvania.)

[fight4my3sons]

4. Hugs, hugs, hugs

:hug:

and I think my kids had the same muffins as yours ;-)

[LaraMN]

11. Yeah- and I see they just downed the better part of a bag of peanuts.

They're gonna be mighty sorry, later!:rofl:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

5. Poor dear.

:hug:

I know you probably don't believe it right now, but he WILL be just fine. Extra chromosome or not, he's still human, and we humans are both as fragile as glass and yet as resilient as rubber.

It must be very, very hard to let go of him. I don't know if he's your first or not to march off to preschool, but think of it this way: Yes, in a way, this is the "beginning of the end," as you put it, to your ability to protect him as you have thus far. But it's only the "beginning of the beginning," as I put it, of a whole NEW phase in your mother-son relationship, one that will make you even closer, as he begins to discover a bit more of the adventure we so affectionately call "life."

:hug:

[LaraMN]

12. Aw, thanks!

"fragile as glass and yet as resilient as rubber"
You're right about that, and I damn glad it's true.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

14. So am I.

:hi:

:pals:

[khashka]

7. Oh my dear...

It's just the Mommy blues... you'll be fine.

And so will he. Down's is very difficult to deal with - you want to protect him every second. I understand that.

But never discount him or the people he might meet. Sure some will be meaner than hell (and you'll cry yourself to sleep) but others will be welcoming and supportive of him. But ain't that the same for all of us?


He'll be OK and so will you. Oh, there will be bad times for sure. But I have an (almost) sister (long story) with Downs, a good friend who's sister has Downs. And several friends with Downs.

I suspect he's very innocent and open and trusting. Chock full of unconditional love. And going out into the world he will be hurt, but he will also learn who to trust.

I know this just makes you sick, but trust him. OK? People think "retards" are stupid. But that's not at all true.

He's gonna be just fine :)

Khash.

[LaraMN]

13. You're right.

As many times as life burned me, I never knew real pain until I saw my children suffer it. As much as I hate it, I know it can be learned from, and that the world is full of good people as well.

[khashka]

22. Yeah...

You have to let him go.

It's gonna abso-fucking-lutely kill you. But it has to be done.

:hug:

I know this isn't easy. But the big bad world ain't always big and bad. There is a Downs Syndrome man in my apt. complex. We are not much of a community but we all try to look after him. He brought us together.

And every day, he stands by the entrance and waves to the cars coming in. Not something a "normal" person would do. And, honestly, when he's there and waving.... I feel good.

I know this is scary, the thought of your children being hurt just tears you apart. I, mean, hurt me but you don't fucking dare hurt my daughter!

But, I think most people are decent....


So here's to hoping!

Khash.

[MiniMandaRuth]

8. Remember to always be there for him.....

Remember that you are his mother, and that he loves you, and that you love him...

Maybe even remember his favorite food right after school, waiting on the counter for a little snack....

I always loved that....

[LaraMN]

15. Aw- the snack idea- that would be right up his allley!

He loves to eat!

[khashka]

24. Ok....

How did the kids turn out so cool?

Between MiniManda and WIMR I'm beginning to think I should just quit and grow a garden.....

Who needs a 40 year old man's advice, when 14 year old girls can do it better?

Khash.

[Hugin]

9. Awe...

:hug:

[LaraMN]

16. Thanks.

:hug:

[auntAgonist]

17. Lara, everyone else

has said it so well. So I'll just offer a :hug: or two and best wishes to you in getting over that 'bug' that's got a hold of you.

Your little guy is going to make his mark in the world! You're very fortunate to know such love, and he, so very fortunate to have you for his Mommy.

:hug:

[LaraMN]

30. Thanks, AuntA!

:hug:

and this:
"You're very fortunate to know such love,"

Is so, so very true. Despite the occasional proverbial "bumps in the road," I wouldn't change a thing about him, and I love every last molecule of him.

[Pithlet]

18. My son started preschool three weeks ago.

It's a special needs preschool, and I was scared to death he wouldn't be able to cope, and depressed because my baby was leaving for the day (it's a full day, five days a week). I bawled after I dropped him off the first day. The first week is hard, but then it gets better. :hug: I hope you feel better, soon.

[LaraMN]

31. Omg- five full days a week would kill me.

I couldn't do it, yet (although Jack's just turned three, maybe your little one was older?) I'll feel better when I pick him up afterwards, and see the smile on his face (I hope!)

[Midlodemocrat]

20. Lara, as someone without a special needs child, but

as one who volunteers a LOT with special needs kids...he'll be fine. He'll do great. In my experience, and I am a LOT older than you, he will find someone who just loves him for being Jack and he will grow and expand and explore. It's natural to be nervous, but cling to the great job you have done since he was born and treat yourself to a manicure that morning. I bet he comes home grinning from ear to ear.

[LaraMN]

32. I think so, too. It's more the looking-down-the-road that's getting to me

I tend to live in the moment, or the short-term, at least, where he's concerned, because it's too difficult and "iffy" to speculate what life will hold for him years from now (because so much can change in that time.) I'm dwelling on it too much, right now. I know better. I need to knock that off. He's just going to preschool. He's going to have fun. repeat. breathe. repeat...:P

[caty]

21. When my son

started his first day at school, I went home and worried so much about him. He was an only child and we were so close, I thought for sure he was just miserable without me. When I went to pick him up, I stood by the door he would be coming out of so he would see me right away. The doors opened and out he came--holding hands with a cute little Filipino girl named Jenifer. He didn't miss me at all. Oh well!!

[LaraMN]

33. See- and that's totally what's going to happen,

and then I'll laugh at myself for being worried. I cried in the car after I dropped my oldest off for his first day of preschool, too. and kindergarten. and first grade...:P

[BikeWriter]

23. ((((((Lara))))))

I know how badly it hurts when you can't fight the kid's battles for them.

[LaraMN]

34. I'll have to get used to it.

I've been spared a lot of it, thus far, (my oldest is only 7,) but I'm probably more emotional than my kids are. :P

[billyskank]

25. Oh Lara

:hug:

[LaraMN]

35. Thanks, Billy!

Back atcha'. :hug:

[LynzM]

26. Hugs to you, Lara

(I'm not 100% recovered from my last-weekend stomach thing, either. Whatever's going around is *nasty*. :hug:)

It must be so hard and scary to let Jack be away from you for any length of time. It's hard enough with a child who doesn't have special needs in the way that he does, and I can't imagine how scary it is and how heartbreaking to know that you can't protect him from the cruelty in the world :hug: Will he be going to a preschool that caters to special-needs kids, or just a regular preschool? Have you had a chance to talk with the teacher much? Kids that young can be very accepting, as long as the adults are pretty open about things, I think. Better they learn young that not everyone is the same, and yet we are all people and all special! :)

Many hugs to you, dude... PM me if you ever wanna chat. I don't have a ton of personal experience with this, but a little bit working with older kiddos and adults with Downs. Love and peace to you and to Jack :hug:

[LaraMN]

36. Thanks, Lynz.

Two days a week, he'll be at a special-needs preschool, and one day he'll be at a regular preschool. There's an aide at the regular preschool who works at the special needs one as well, so at least there'll be a familiar face at either location, for him. He won't have a one-on-one aide (unless his behavior proves disruptive), but he'll have his speech, s.e., physical, and occupational therapists drop in for sessions with him there, too, so he should be pretty well attended.

[leftofthedial]

27. it's tough letting them go.

my older daughter just turned 18 yesterday

my heart was definitely doing back flips--joy and pride for the wonderful, smart, beautiful young woman she is, but also sadness for all the irreplaceable memories . . .

I think I'm gonna go cry now.

Nah. Screw it. I'm gonna go heat up a crack muffin and work on my studio.

[LaraMN]

37. You should be so proud.

Although I can only imagine the bittersweet-ness of it all. My Mom got all teared up about my younger sister leaving home, for college. I cry on my kids' birthdays after they go to bed, practically every time. It's hard to see them growing up, no matter how proud of them you are.

[leftofthedial]

49. I swear it was only a few months ago

I let go of her hand as she walked into her first day of first grade

damn






damn . . .

[khashka]

28. Ok Khash lays down the law

No more sympathy for Lara - she needs it but she's a grown up.

Let's all direct our prayers, white light, good vibes to Jack. So when he comes home, he comes home with a big grin on his face, And proves Lara's fears wrong!

Come on, we can do this!

Khash.

[LaraMN]

38. Many thanks!

He does seem to feed off other people's smiles and happiness, perhaps he can soak up some positive vibes as well!

[merh]

29. LaraMN

Have you attended any of the national conferences held by the parents of Downs Children?

I have, with a friend of mine. Her son Noah has Downs and she is intent on him living as normal a life as possible. So she joined the organization and is actively involved in being sure that Noah is not rejected from the public school system and that he is allowed to be a part of the mainstream.

I attended a conference in San Diego and was amazed at the young adults with Downs that were there. They had more of a social life than I have ever had. There was one girl, Megan, that I talked with at the conference. She told me of her 18th birthday party and how all of her friends came and it was wonderful. Her mother added that all of her friends from high school were there and yes, she attended the mainstream high school. Megan has a much more active social life than I will ever have and she truly enjoys life. Isn't that the most important thing. She knows love and she gives love, she laughs and goes out to the movies and dances. If I had a child, I would want her to be as happy and adjusted as Megan.

Please become involved in one of the organizations, they provide so much and it will help you see how other children and adults with Downs live and how their parents deal with the same fears you have.

If you don't mind, I would like to include you and Jack in my prayers. :grouphug:

[LaraMN]

40. Thank-you Merh!

"she truly enjoys life. Isn't that the most important thing?"

Absolutely. That's why I had him. I didn't have to. In this country I was afforded a choice. I had him because I believed he was just as capable of having a beautiful, wonderful, fulfilling life as the rest of us, and because I believed that IS what's important. Thank you for the reminder- sometimes it gets buried under my fears.

I've never been to a national conference- I'd like to, one day. I am involved with our local and state groups. Advocacy for the disabled is one of my chief political concerns, and I have (understandably) quite a fire in my belly about related issues.

[merh]

41. I hope you get the chance to make one of their national conferences

I met Corky from Life Goes On, Chris Burke, when I went to San Diego. I had a wonderful time and I was so inspired by the parents and the children that I have since remain involved in many of the local activites.

I can truly say that I wish I had 1/10th of the love in my heart that the majority of Downs citizens have in their hearts. Most haven't become cynical or jaded by the realities of the world and the cruelties of man.

You and Jack will be fine, I just know it. :grouphug:

[khashka]

43. merh is so right

I would add something to this. But what could I add?

merh is right. It might feel uncomfortable joining a group. But knowing the problems others have faced and the solutions they have discovered will help both you and Jack.

I'm fucking goddamn serious , Lara. A Downs kid is a trial and a tribulation. Or a source of constant joy.
See, I worked in a state convelescent home. Many Downs kids there, because their parents just gave up.

You need a community that understands and can give you good advice.


And never forget that Jack is capable of amazing things. I don't think you will forget that. But you need some support, too. Get it.



Khash.

[merh]

44. ..

:hug:

[LaraMN]

45. I'm acquainted with a local group, as well as an online one.

I try to stay in the loop, as they are often the best source if current info. I've yet to find a doctor who knows half what other mothers have been able to tell me about health issues, etc. with Downs. My closest friend is a good shoulder when I need emotional support- she has a disabled daughter who's eleven, she's in school training to be a legal advocate for people with disabilities, and is on the governor's council for developmental disabilities. I've never considered Jack a burden. He isn't- he's a joy. It's just the fear of the unknown that is scary.

You're right- he is capable of amazing things. I can't count how many times in the last three years he's pulled stunts that I didn't think he could. HE constantly reminds me not to sell him short.

[Tikki]

39. Oh you'd be surprised ....

how unimportant his Downs will be in the scheme of things.

His educational opportunities and both of your involvements in your community
will make the most of how he will be viewed by others.

A mother of a 6 year old who has Downs once told me that she expected that her
son would do everything he wanted to do except drive a car.




Tikki

[name not needed]

46. Mmm. Crack muffins. Gotta get me some of them.

[miss_american_pie]

47. Oh sweetie

:hug:

He will be okay.

[Nikia]

50. Good luck to you and Jack on Wednesday

I am sure that he'll enjoy preschool and everything will be fine.

[jpgray]

51. Aw. Drinks are on me

I mean that literally and figuratively--it was a wild night in the bar. :eyes:

He might do much better than you think. The kids may hurt him and you can't wholly protect him, yeah, but they also can make him feel liked and accepted in a way his immediate family can't (not in a -better- way, just in a different way). Preschoolers especially don't tend to be as cheerfully sadistic as older kids, so there's a chance it will turn out better than you imagine.