Competition (sort of). Write a TV, movie, book, etc. review

[blondeatlast]

as though you didn't actually "experience" what you reviewed (based ona recurring NY Magazine Competition).

Mine:

Halloween 3: The Return of Michael Myers

This documentary uncovers the dark side of the former "SNL" star. Carefully concealed, he performs despicable, unspeakable acts every Halloween. The surprisingly steady camerawork seems out of place in a documentary exploring unspeakable crime, but Myers is unfazed. He continues his wretched acts, undeterred by the crew's presence. Which brings to mind the question: Why did no one call the police on the actor?

For that matter, why is the director not behind bars?

Got it? Give us your best!

[NightTrain]

1. Here's a restaurant "review" that I wrote while living in Florida in 1996

I drove down State Route A1A toward Vero Beach and one of Florida’s many world-famous tourist attractions—namely, the 11th biggest supermarket in America. After the breathtaking experience of traversing the labyrinthine aisles of Laffy-Taffy and Cocoa-Puffs, I naturally became hungry. I asked the bagboy-—or “merchandise packaging representative,” to use the industry lingo-—if he might recommend a venue for a weary tourist to garner a quick repast. The lad directed me to a small but, he assured me, wonderful eatery “just down the road a piece.”

He was right. The cuisine at Gordy’s Kwik Stop was delectable! It fully deserves the three-and-one-half stars it received in "Jim Bob Alabaster’s Truck Stop Guide." Gordy’s was not just an eatery—-it was a miracle of modern convenience that also housed a gift shop, food store, and filling station. To quote the sign at the entrance: “Eat here and get gas.”

My Macho Burger was removed from its plastic seal and microwaved to celestial perfection by an impeccably dressed clerk whose overalls were festively decorated with oil stains. One stain, I noted, was shaped just like a profile of the late Richard Milhous Nixon. When I pointed this out, the clerk replied, “Shoot! I ain’t never noticed that.”

Along with the burger, Gordy’s provided absolutely free of charge generous servings of what the foil packets assured me was “fancy ketchup.” None of that plain old boring regular ketchup for Gordy’s!

Served on the side were Gordy’s world-renowned french fries-—“the only French thing on the menu,” the clerk assured me. To a connoisseur such as I, the earmark of a good bag of fries is when the oil drips down to your elbow. By the time I finished savoring my last Gordy’s fry, enough oil had collected in my sleeves to wax a dozen BMWs. Bravissimo, Gordy!

The clerk served my Pepsi in a colorful paper cup that featured a remarkable likeness of Yosemite Sam and Bugs Bunny. The comic balloon, in classic American funny-book script, proclaimed, “I’ll git you, varmint!” Meanwhile, the drink boasted an excellent bouquet that revealed itself as vintage Tuesday.

I set my attractive orange tray down on the freshly-wiped metal grate table and relaxed in my hard but comfortable white plastic chair. I bounced my legs to the local oldies station, which played on the boombox behind the counter. As I enjoyed the ambrosial taste of my Macho Burger, and as I crunched down one savory fry after another, I hummed along to the cultural masterpiece, “Pleasant Valley Sunday.” The oldies station was a nice touch. I praise Gordy for the idea.

Rest assured, I will eat at Gordy’s Kwik Stop again. I can’t wait to sink my incisors into those breakfast burritos and Choco-Tacos!

[blondeatlast]

2. A divine repast. I shall make it a must for my travels to

Vero Beach.

Fancy ketchup . . .Imagine (I['m a purist when it comes to hot dogs, no ketchup for me!)