Thank You DU.This time I called the cops. It was too much.

[elshiva]

My friend beat me until I blacked out last night. So, I called the police on him. He won't bother me again, I hope.

Thanks for giving me the strength to do this.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

1. You are in my thoughts ...

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[elshiva]

3. Thanks, hon.

[miss_american_pie]

2. Be strong

:hug:

[Kire]

4. God bless you

And stop calling him "your friend".

[elshiva]

7. He is still my friend. Someday we will be together again. I hope

so. He is a good man.

[Kire]

8. Okay.

I don't know what else to say.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. Good men don't black their friends out ...

Please - what he did was bad to you . Coming from past experiences from years ago , I too thought that the man who left me with back pains and bruises was a good man but boy was I wrong . You deserve better than that elshiva :hug: - please take care of yourself . I know that you are hurting but please don't run to him and protect him , what he did to you was wrong . He hurt your soul .

[elshiva]

24. He is a good man, that I know. But few people understood him.

I miss him.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

27. Listen sister :

This is not a funny situation . You need to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that this guy is wrong for what he did to you . If you love yourself , you will keep far away from this so called friend . I know where you are right now . This guy has problems and don't let his problems become your problems . NO ONE deserves to be beaten up - EVER . Love should never bring someone to blacking out . Love should never hurt . I want you to get some help right now . This is not funny at all .

[elshiva]

29. I don't think it is funny at all.

[sendero]

41. Please....

.... he may be a good man, and he probably feels like a worm for what he's done, but unless he gets some kind of help nothing will change.

Protect yourself, please. Good people get carried away and really hurt others every day.

[elshiva]

46. I don't know what is happening with him. I really don't have a third party

that knew both him and me. :shrug:

[sendero]

59. Just remember...

.... I don't know you but I've seen this problem before.

Your friend has a problem. It is sad for him, but you cannot let his problem become yours. Because really, it is only a small increment for an abuser to go from inflicting a couple bruises to really seriously hurting you.

The fact that he feels bad and is a "good person" will not be very helpful if you are in the hospital on life support or in a morgue.

I'm not trying to be harsh but really, you need to accept that it is unlikely that you will ever be able to continue your relationship with this guy, because he is broken. And most of all, do not blame yourself in any way for what has happened, it is his issue not yours and you need to protect yourself.

Shit like this make me sad to be a male. I'm bipolar and before I discovered lithium I was not someone you wanted to piss off, but even then I never hit anybody. But I understand anger out of control and it is not a good thing.

[Whoa_Nelly]

5. Good you called...sorry you were beaten

:hug:
Did the cops take photos of you? Sure hope so!

Are you getting a restraining order?

Have you changed the locks?

Do you have a friend to stay with you for a while?

Take care, elshive, and continue to be strong with the choice you made to not let this happen to you anymore.

[elshiva]

6. They took photos of the bruises. And there will be a restraining

order. I live with my parents so I feel pretty safe. One day though in the way future I hope he'll be my friend again, because I still love him, but now it is for the best that we are separated.

[uppityperson]

9. Good job elshiva

You can be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself, for doing what was right and, even if difficult to do, will be best in the long run. Good job and keep taking care of yourself

[Whoa_Nelly]

20. Here's the fact, elshiva dear

only 2% of abusers ever make a significant change in their behavior even with anger management classes and/or psychological treatment.

When I left an abuser, filed for a restraining order, I had to also attend a class on abuse. Do you have to do that?

One of the best books (and it was THE one that saved my life) is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It's about all types of abuse, not just verbal, and learning to recognize things about yourself that you allow to come into your life by continuing a relationship with an abuser. I highly recommend it.

http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/book-verbally-abusive-relationship-long.htm

[elshiva]

23. Thanks, but I am already in therapy.

[Whoa_Nelly]

35. Lame answer

If you want this abuser in your life still, you're not dealing.

Therapy only works for you when you work toward the change you want.

However, if you want to be abused, abused you will be.

It is a choice.

[elshiva]

37. LISTEN. I AM SORRY! I AM GETTING THERAPY.

this is really hard for me and it will take time. I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be gone, but is not. This very humiliating for me. I am talking to my therapists. She knows a lot.

edit: Sorry, but I was in and today. I am not thinking straight.

[Whoa_Nelly]

39. Good

And I'm glad you got defensive. It means you are actually trying.
Good.

[elshiva]

42. Thank you, but there are limits to what a person can do in 24 hours!

My therapist wants me to join a special group for people like me.

[Whoa_Nelly]

72. Hope you do join and find you are not alone in what has happened to you

and it has been more than 24 hours. This isn't the first time he's abused you. But I do realize that it's the first time you took a stand for yourself. For that you should congratulate yourself for finding a personal strength that can become larger and stronger as you take steps to make the changes you want in your life.

Much can happen in a short amount of time when the epiphany one has about one's life really affects them.

Am very glad you called the cops on him. You have the right to not be beaten for any reason. Ever.

Again, good luck. Will look for updates about your personal insights about yourself and/or what you're doing to make for a happier road ahead for yourself should you wish to share here in the Lounge.

I know I've come across as harsh, and I offer no apology for that. You keep posting that this guys a sweetheart, etc. What he did is more than harsh. Having been in an abusive relationship I know that without having those in my life to be harsh, as in being honest, with me, I would not have taken the road less traveled that put me in a place to choose to learn, grow and move away from allowing that type of behavior in my life.

Honestly, elshiva...Best of luck to you. You took a very big step. Hope you share your next step to personal healing and growth.

http://tinyurl.com/syeot
http://tinyurl.com/gpey8

[elshiva]

77. I am joining. I just can't seem to please anyone.

I really loved him BUT NOW I HAVE DIFFERENT THOUGHTS. I think he is a jerk.

I will definitly be a part of this group.

ON EDIT: How the heck do you know it's been more than 24 hours! It's nearly 23 hours ago!

[Whoa_Nelly]

85. it's about pleasing yourself and no one else

and what I meant about more than 24 hours was in reference to it being only the short time since you called the cops on him, but it's been longer in regard to the fact that he's beaten you at least twice before. Was just making a point about that...please go back and re-read my post.

Peace,
Nelly

[YellowRubberDuckie]

10. What the hell!?

Was this the first time it's happened? How in the hell was he your friend? Please stop calling him that. You poor thing. I hope you're ok. If you need anything, please let me know. Oh, I wish I could be there for ya. That happened to a friend of mine in the dorms back in the day. One of our now former friends beat the crap out of her. I told her that if she ever touched her again like that I'd call campus police. She's lucky I didn't beat the hell out of her. Are you ok? Did you go to the hospital? Please tell me you're not by yourself. :hug:
Duckie

[elshiva]

12. This is only the third time with him. But he is a great friend.

We do a lot of fun stuff together like go to the movies. He just is a big sweetheart with a temper problem. Poor baby and I was in his way.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

14. He beats the crap out of you and you still want to be his friend?

You still describe him as a sweetheart? I'm sorry, but that's insane. You need to stay away from him. It's only going to get worse.
Duckie

[elshiva]

15. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but he loves me and I love him.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

18. I'm sorry, but you sound like a battered woman defending her man.

You really have to know how insane that sounds, right? You really have to stay away from this guy. For Good. You're seriously worrying me.
Duckie

[elshiva]

21. I will stay away from him, but I do miss him and I do love him still.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

22. Love should never hurt !

:hug: Please ... I know what you are going through . My first boyfriend years ago would beat me up everyday . He loved me enough that he would slap me in the face in front of his sister , he loved me enough that he punched me when I would'nt sleep with him . He was good a good guy when he nearly knocked me down the flight of stairs in the house . He was so in love me that he threatend to kill us both - now Elshiva ... get away from this guy AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . You are dependent . You don't want to be alone but you might be alone if you continue to let this guy hurt you ... talk to your parents , your friends , the cops - anybody but him . You need to heal your soul now and stop protecting him . Love yourself better .

[elshiva]

26. I am so sorry about what happened to you.

:hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

32. elshive, you need to learn about abusers, their tempers and how they cycle

time and again into abuse mode. The cycle is from being happy, kind, seet, to being annoyed to being abusive, and the asking for forgiveness, only to start all over again in the cycle up to abuse mode.

However, if you wish to be beaten again, go right back for more...a year form now, two years from now...he won't change, he ain't your friend, and if you pity him and defend his abose toward you, you defintely need some serious instruction about your part in allowing yourself to participate in being abused.

Sorry if this all sounds harsh, but the truth is, you only "got in his way" because you allowed yourself to be with him.

I cut to the chase when it comes to abuse. Have been there, and will never allow that in my life again. There's no making it pretty. There;s no accepting it will all be OK, even if it happens again. The next time you may not be posting here about it. The next time your parents may be burying you.

Time to get real. Time to face some truths about yourself.

[elshiva]

36. YEAH I KNOW IT WAS MY FAULT ALREADY. I AM SORRY!

[LynzM]

40. Dude, it's not your fault

:hug: I'm sure that everyone on this thread is not saying things to be mean to you, just that we are very worried about you and the situation that you're in, and want to help.

[elshiva]

44. Thanks, again, he did not always do this, sometimes he was nice

But he just turned on me after saying he changed. So there strikes and you are out. I hate sports but even I know that one. :hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

43. It wasn't your fault -- you don't need to apologize to anyone but yourself

When you keep posting that you will let this guy to remain in your life, indicates you are still allowing yourself to be abused.

However, what he did TO you is not your fault. He will do this any woman he is with.

Hope you do move on to a place within your life and yourself that you recognize an abuser and stay away from that person.

Trust me on this, elshive. Have been there. It's difficult, but not impossible, to learn and change.

Good luck to you.

[elshiva]

47. Thanks. This is a big step for me. Don't know what is next.

Special therapy for me and I will NEVER see him again.

[tyedyeto]

45. It's NOT your fault

Please don't be an enabler. It's happened 3 times too many. People never beat those who they truly love.

You have said said you are in therapy. If nothing else, seek another therapist. Yout life may depend on not seeing this person ever again. Please don't be another statistic. Friendships and/or lovers don't hurt those they love.

[elshiva]

49. I am Not seeing him again. I am having a hard thinking straight

but I am not seeing him again.

[CBHagman]

51. No, it is not your fault, and no, you have nothing to apologize for.

There is no reason on God's green Earth for a man to beat a woman until she blacks out.

If he beat you because you do not like the Olympics, THAT IS NO REASON. That will NEVER be a reason. Normal people do not do such things.

If someone beat a member of my family or one of my friends (or a co-worker, or anyone, for that matter) until he/she blacked out, the attacker would belong under a restraining order and after that in jail.

I hope that you will not only press charges but see them through to a conviction.

And for pity's sake, your parents and you are going to need cell phones to keep in touch and the ability to keep this attacker away from all of you, including away from your place of work.

What he did to you was indefensible.

[elshiva]

53. Thanks, we got cell phones. He has got a restraining order.

[MissB]

57. Totally not your fault, babe.

:hug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

68. You don't have to apologize.

:hug: You didn't deserve to be abused and you do not deserve to be judged. But people are concerned for you, so please take care.

[gardenista]

55. Well, I have really mixed feelings after reading this.

The other day, you were hit by a stranger.

Now you say that you were beaten for the third time by someone that you still call your friend.

While I'm glad that you are in therapy, I think it is not enough, and that you are in a crisis. If you have been physically assaulted twice in one week, and you are not asking yourself serious questions about the realationship with the person who beat you until you blacked-out, I am very, very concerned for your welfare right now.

You must think that you deserve to be treated this way, which is an attitude that abusers smell from miles away.

I really do hope that you talk at length with your therapist about this, and that you are honest with her about all of it. I honestly believe that your life is in danger if you are under the illusion that a man who beat you until you blacked out is just a misunderstood teddy bear.

I sincerely hope that you become willing to get the help you need.

[elshiva]

63. I am going to get special therapy in a support group starting

next week. Thanks for your concern.

[gardenista]

66. I am so glad.

I don't know you, but your reply brought tears to my eyes.

I am so worried about you.

I am very glad to hear that you are stepping up your therapy and intensifying your work to move yourself beyond this place where you feel like it is your fault that you were abused.

I am so sorry that this happened to you, and so happy that you are taking this step.

That is a lot of good change on your part. I hope you are on your way to a safer, happier life.

[elshiva]

71. Thanks.

[Zookeeper]

11. I don't know the situation, but I'm sure he's not your "friend."

Friends don't beat you, much less until you black out!

PLEASE, don't let this person back into your life.

I wish you the best....:hug:

[elshiva]

13. I want to let this person back into my life maybe in a year or so.

Again, most of the time a sweetheart. Thanks for your concern.

[Left Is Write]

17. What?!

Are you okay? Have you seen a doctor? Do you have someone to take care of you?

I'm so sorry, elshiva. :hug:

[elshiva]

19. Thanks for your concern. I've seen the doctor. I am okay.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

25. elshiva, I'm glad you called the cops

But unless this man gets help, he won't stop being abusive. Maybe he was raised in an abusive home, maybe something else triggered it, but take my word for it, abusers don't stop abusing without help (and you are not the one to help him -- it should be a professional who helps).

And as for you, you might want to talk to a counselor yourself. Again, I'm glad you called the cops, but is there something going on with you that makes you refer to this person as a "friend". Many abusers have very nice qualities about them: funny, charming, even kind in many respects, but anyone who would beat someone else is not a friend. Taking a look at yourself with the help of a counselor may do you a lot of good.

I know you may not want to hear all this, but I think you need to. As I said, I know what it's like (though the abuse I suffered was mental and emotional; thank God there was no physical component to it).

:hug:

[elshiva]

28. He was very, very funny. But he hated the fact I do not like the

Olympics. that is partly why he beat me I can't stand the olympics. I am sorry but I don't like them.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

30. ?????

[smirkymonkey]

33. Oh, well, at least he had a good reason.

:nuke:

[LynzM]

34. Elshiva, dude, listen to yourself.

He beat you to the point of blacking out because you don't like a sporting event? Come on, woman, have some respect for yourself. No one who loves you, really loves you and respects you, would do that to you, ever. He is not a sweetheart, no matter how he treats you in between his anger, he is an abuser.

[elshiva]

38. Well, I guess if you look at it like that, yeah he is a jerk.

:cry:

[SeattleGirl]

48. Yes, elshiva, he's a jerk.

As Lynn said, no matter how nice he is BETWEEN the beatings, he IS an abuser. You do not deserve that! Nobody does. There ARE nice guyes out there who don't beat others us. Do something, darlin. Get involved in a support group, see a therapist on your own, something.

The "nice-in-between-beatings" stuff is the siren song of an abuser. Find a way to close your ears to it, or to get to the point where you no longer answer the song.

[gardenista]

61. No, oh my God.

This man is an abuser. He is an abuser. He is an abuser.

period.

He is an abuser.

He will not change. You are the one who needs to change.

No, it's not fair.

Yes, you can change.

You can get help if you really want it.

You will have to let go of the "victim" role and take responsibility for changing your life.

Are you ready to do that?

[philosophie_en_rose]

74. Nice. Blame the victim.

I don't care what happened. Elshiva did not deserve to be abused. No one can change whether this guy is abusive and she may or may not be able to change

I've worked with many abuse victims. You have no idea what lengths an abuser will go to to hurt someone. On many levels, the survivors have no choice about it. Only intervention from the police will work.

Stopping abuse is a community effort. Elshiva's been traumatized; and deserves to give herself permission to be in pain right now and to grieve for her relationship.

[elshiva]

84. Thanks. Wise, wise words. I am very confused. I don't get a lot

of what happened. :hug:

[ThomCat]

31. Oh, I am so sorry you have been going through this.

I hope he's gone. I hope you never have to see him again. And I hope you never, ever, have to deal with anyone else like him.

I'm glad you were strong. Stay strong.

Be well, and please stay here with us so that we know you're okay. :hug:

T.

[Arugula Latte]

50. Do not let this vermin back in your life. Ever.

He is not worthy of you giving him the time of day, let alone your love. YOU DESERVE FAR, FAR BETTER. You can find someone you love more than this jerk -- don't settle for this abuser. Please.

[elshiva]

52. Thanks, I am NOT seeing him again.

[Arugula Latte]

56. Good! Glad to hear it!

:hug:

[MissB]

58. Print out your reply to Oregonian

and tape it to your mirror. Read it often. :hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

60. That is a good idea .

[Shine]

54. Someone who beats you is NOT a "friend". Pure and simple.

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time and I'm really glad to know you're getting therapy to deal with some of these issues.

You deserve to be with a man who loves you, cherishes you and treats you with RESPECT.

Perhaps this experience will provide a silver lining of waking up to your own self worth in a new and empowering way, so that this NEVER happens again.

Blessings of Strength, Courage and Healing to you, dear elshiva.

:hug:

[northzax]

62. you know, I'm not that far away

and I'm a pretty big guy, want me to come up there and show him what it feels like to be on the receiving end? I would do it with pleasure.

I have the deepest sympathy for you, but you need to hear this (and what others have said) in all seriousness.

Anyone man who hits a woman is not a man, he is a coward and a pathetic human being. (obviously, physical self defense is the exception, if you were, say, stabbing him at the time, this is null and void, otherwise listen.) He will not stop. Something will always set him off, and he will always beat you. Always. There is only three ways for this to end: 1: you get the fuck away from him. 2: he kills you. 3: you kill him. Seems to me like option 1 is the best.

It is painful to say to yourself, and painful to hear, but he cannot be friends with you the way you would like him to. Sorry.

So, in summation: you leave, or one of you dies.

Still, my offer to get three friends, one of whom won a golden glove and another who's a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and come beat the living shit out of the pathetic excuse for a man.

[elshiva]

64. Thanks, hon. But the police have got him on a restraining order.

The last thing I heard is that he is going to get some serious questioning.

AND I AM NEVER SEEING HIM AGAIN.

[philosophie_en_rose]

65. Elshiva: It is okay for you to feel conflicted.

I am very concerned for your safety and your life.

I know that it's hard to separate a person's good actions from the bad. I understand that it's hard to turn your feelings off for someone that you care about. But please be safe.

You are not punishing him by calling the police. He needs help and calling the police will help him more than allowing him to beat you. He needs to work on his issues and you are worth more than a punching bag. You will never help him by letting him hurt you. He needs help and a real friend would never beat you. I know you care, but a real friend doesn't let their friend beat them

I'm afraid for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I will always be available for you.

Therapy is not a magic solution. This is also not a matter of "being strong enough." It's a complex situation and I respect you so much for taking a step forward tonight.

[elshiva]

69. I've called the police, hon. And he is on restraining order.

[philosophie_en_rose]

76. I'm glad, but restraining orders are only a tool.

Law enforcement can't help, if they don't know about violations.

I'm sorry if I sound sanctimonious or worried, but I am worried for you.

[elshiva]

83. Only a tool???? HUH??

[LeftyMom]

67. Good

Be strong. Don't give in to the urge to defend him and do not let him back into your life.

We're here for you. :hug:

[elshiva]

70. Thanks, LeftyMom.

:hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

73. I have only one thing to say :

You're going to be alright.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

75. elshiva...maybe print this thread out and take with you to share

with your therapist?


Just a thought.

Stay strong knowing you did something right for yourself, and that you saved your life.

[elshiva]

80. Thanks. I did with my friends and God's help save myself.

I think my therapist would be interested in this. Thanks.

[Hissyspit]

78. I've never hit a women in my life. I'm male and 43.

Never felt the need to. I don't know what else to say to you elshiva.

[elshiva]

81. Thanks for never hitting a woman. That means A LOT!

:hug:

[tuvor]

79. Take good care of yourself, elshiva.

As you can see, there are a lot of people who are concerned for you.

Prayers.

[elshiva]

82. Thanks! Prayers mean a lot to me.

[BigMcLargehuge]

86. Locked

Elshiva, we are very worried about you, but must recommend that you contact the proper authorities to deal with this matter. Posters at DU are not qualified to assist you.

Big McLargehuge
DU Moderator