My article for the high school paper- READ IT OR BE LAME

[stpalm]

I write a column for the school paper where I bitch about whatever comes to mind. I have gotten anonymous, threatening notes in my locker, and gotten kids to try to attack me in the parking lot after school. It’s a lot of fun! Here is my latest… I thought you guys might enjoy it.



The Oppressed Republican Party vs. the Effete Liberals That Control Everything
By Steven Palmer



From their gilded tower behind the “Hollywood” sign, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and Sean Penn furrowed their brows. They were busy writing the latest lead story for the New York Times. It was due in an hour. Kennedy looked out the window at the unwashed masses lurching along the sidewalks on their way to lunch. Like all liberals, he certainly had contempt for the ordinary American.

“I have the New York Times staff on the phone. They are getting edgy. Aren’t you finished yet?” Kennedy asked Penn.

“I’m trying! Running the media is a difficult job! Tell Barbara Streisand to write the terrorist-supporting editorial! I don’t have time!” Penn said. He put the finishing touches on an article about Samuel Alito, the new Supreme Court justice. “This article will surely offend the Christians, which is what we want, as we are secularist elitists.”

“Yes, yes we are.” replied Kennedy. He cackled maniacally, swilling down another mouthful of brandy. “Make sure to implicitly endorse the Paganists and Abortionists!”

“Done!” Penn said. “Thanks for your help, Mr. Kennedy.”

“Excellent!” said Senator Kennedy, belching. He placed his monocle and grabbed his top hat and ivory cane, staggering towards his Bentley. “I must now return to Washington and begin placing activist judges on the courts to undemocratically impose our out-of-the-mainstream values on America! Ha ha ha!”




Back in the Senate chambers, Republican leader Bill First cowered under his desk.

“SILENCE!” John Kerry bellowed. “MY WILL IS LAW! COMMENCE WITH THE BANNING OF THE BIBLE!” He began to chuckle. His cacophonous laughter caused the American flag inside the chambers, blowing so nobly in the wind, to come crashing down like so many shattered dreams.

Bill First glowered at Kerry. “One day the people of America will stand up to your evil deeds. You have been in power long enough. Conservative thought is not allowed in America! How dare you violate sacred American tenets of free speech! I swear, if my party controlled all three branches of government, we would try to fix things, not complain!”




This sounds pretty absurd, doesn’t it? Could you imagine somebody actually thinking these things occur? But honestly, when I read the things Conservatives whine about, it sounds like they might. Pat Robertson says that Liberals want to begin a genocide against Christians (he actually thinks this!). Rush Limbaugh claims that Liberals control the Senate. Bush campaign material regularly references the evil Liberal media. While more rational Republicans don’t make these claims literally, they subtly hint at them in their campaigns to attract the votes of irrational people.

Liberals are a dysfunctional, unorganized, non-threat. Conservatives make it seem like we are a huge, terrifying monolith that dominates America. Liberals are a dying breed. 2/3rds of America describe themselves as “Conservative” or “Moderate”. Liberals constantly fight amongst one another over petty things. We never get things done. We are pretty useless.

What is particularly ironic about all of this is that Conservative Republicans control ALL THREE BRANCHES OF THE GOVERNMENT. They whine like it’s 1936 under the New Deal. It’s not. You guys exploited 9-11 and people’s religious beliefs. So go enact your crazy agenda! This is your chance! Conservative whiners are more irritating than liberal whiners. Conservative whiners could actually put their energies into something productive (and I use that term very loosely). Liberals can whine all we want because we actually are a powerless minority.

[ZombieNixon]

1. Very nice!

:thumbsup:

[aclog]

2. Its well-conceived

moreso bc of the fact you're in HS, but honestly I would've kicked your ass in HS for writing something that like...$20 words like effete don't go over well there and neither does as stuff that comes across as superior and pretentious

Also, I think the message you end up delivering (basically summed up in the last line) is rather...immature?

[stpalm]

7. That is kind of the point... kind of.

I like to get people talking.

I wrote an article about the Confederate Flag in Wisconsin and how ridiculous it is and got notes in my locker and the wrath of the "truck kids"... at least it verified to me that people read my articles! It was flattering that took the time to give me veiled death threats in my locker, too.

When people come up to me and say what you said, I like that. Then I can talk with them more about it. I just want to get people thinking and have them be slightly amused at my bitter sarcasm.

[aclog]

8. Well what I mean is you are obviously quite wrapped up

in the political goings-on and the end sounds like something out Dookie-era Green Day: "I'll whine alot cuz there's nothing else to do anyway".

The note of uninvolvement you closed with clearly isn't where you're at and I'm not really sure how to put it into context. Maybe its reverberating more for me since its essentially true, although it runs a little deeper than left vs right :shrug:

[stpalm]

9. I see what you are saying.

I am struggling with the last paragraph... it kind of sucks mad wang. It's hard to connect it all because the first half of the article is a satire and the last half isn't. You make a good point.

[aclog]

10. Talk about how we AREN'T adopting a victim mentality

the struggle in the face of unrelenting adversity...WHY would anybody fight a battle so rigged against them unless it was vitally, unspeakably important? Not important to themselves but important on a grander scale. For freedom and life and liberty as we know it and want it to be.

Don't emphasize the futility

[XemaSab]

3. I like it!

I think the end needs a little fine-tuning, but the point is good.... Conservatives dominate all three branches, yet act like they're the victims.

[democracyindanger]

4. Awesome read.

And because I'm a journalism grad, I can't resist but offer unsolicited editing:

- Spell out "two-thirds";
- Your conclusion's great, but another angle would be that despite controlling the federal government for going on six years, they haven't done anything but whine. We may be powerless and self-defeating, but Republicans--even with all the power they could hope for and the length of time they've had it--are incompetent bumblers. Like PJ O'Rourke (a conservative) once said, "Republicans are the people who claim that government doesn't work, then get elected and prove it."
- Your ending might be stronger if you swap the last two sentences, leaving the reader with your main point, that conservative whiners have no excuse.

Hope you're considering J-school for college. Good stuff.

[stpalm]

6. The structure needs work, yeah.

This is my rough draft... I have been dicking around with the last paragraph in particular. The concept is good.

Thanks for your suggestions!

I do want to become a journalist or writer.

[Evergreen Emerald]

5. I couldn't put it down!

Nicely done. I also wrote editorials for my High school and then college newspapers. It is great resume fodder.