comments on my job interview thank you letter please?

[Scout]

could you please review and suggest improvements?
I've also sent a draft to the employment agency for comment.
especially point out if next-to-last para is OK or out of line.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

January 27, 2006

Mr. XXXXXXX XXXXXXX
President
address

Dear Mr. XXXXXX

Thank you for spending time with me on Thursday at 2pm. I enjoyed discussing the office assistant position and Company Name. I was especially impressed with your commitment to providing the highest quality service and materials to your customers. I have, throughout my career from paper route, to McDonald's crew, to typesetting and book manufacturing, done my best to do the same. I'd greatly appreciate the chance to contribute to Company and its future successes.

I want the job of office assistant. I have proven, excellent, written and verbal communication skills. I'm comfortable working with a wide variety of people. I'm organized and efficient. I enjoy and am very capable of learning new skills, ideas and concepts. I enjoy doing a wide variety of tasks using many different skills in my normal work day. I have a record of superior service to my customers. The position is exactly what I'm looking for, and I am confident that I can be a significant contributor to the continued success of Company. I sincerely hope you agree.

One point I'd like to reiterate is my willingness to provide you with additional information or letters of thanks I've received from my customers. I can be reached at XXXXXXXX or cell XXXXXXXXXX.

I couldn't resist reading the Company brochures I picked up. They have a pleasant layout and informative text. Along with learning more about XXX services, philosophy and mission (which I appreciated) I also spotted a few small typographic errors and niceties I'd like to suggest!

Thank you again for investing your time in the interview. I look forward to hearing from you, via XXXXXXXX at XXXXXXXXXX.

Sincerely yours

XXXXXXXXXXX

[DS1]

1. Typo in the first line

[Scout]

4. thanks ... I'm hurrying and did plan to read and review again before

sending...

[DS1]

2. "I have proven, excellent, written and verbal communication skills."

sucks

[Scout]

5. you don't have to be snotty about it.

I didn't say "perfect" I said excellent.

[DS1]

6. if it were me reading it I'd laugh at it

:shrug:

you're going from listing how proven and excellent you are to written and verbal without skipping a beat

it sucks. do it again.

[Scout]

9. huh?

"you're going from listing how proven and excellent you are to written and verbal {something missing here?} without skipping a beat"

this is my first draft, and I do usually rewrite several times before sending...

[DS1]

3. you want to suggest more typographic errors?

I'd rewrite that line

[Scout]

7. yes, I agree. I'll either remove it entirely, or edit to this:

I couldn't resist reading the LIS brochures I picked up. They have a pleasant layout and informative text. Along with learning more about LIS services, philosophy and mission (which I appreciated) I also spotted a few small typographic errors that could be fixed, and niceties I'd like to suggest!

[DS1]

8. how about

few typographical errors that might need a second look, and I have some ideas of how the brochures (or collateral - pick one - but I'd be iffy about telling people where their stuff is wrong before I got the job ) could be enhanced.

[wildhorses]

10. was the president of the company the one to interview you?

do people REALLY read these letters?

I think it is wordy....

[kick-ass-bob]

12. Yes, we read them.

We also note when they have been taken word for word from a website -- 2 people for the same POSITION pulled the template off the web and did not change anything (except names and such).

That was pretty pathetic.

[wildhorses]

13. I think paragraphs 2, 3, and 4 could be omitted completely.

Paragraphs 1 and 5 are okay. IMO Although sentence 2 in paragraph 1 is awkward and leave out "the McDonald's crew" in sentence 3. Also, I would not pluralize the success.just suggestions...

[kick-ass-bob]

11. "I want the job of office assistant."

I don't like that sentence. It sounds kinda needy. You also say "I" a lot. Did you get a feel for what they wanted from you? You say a good bit about why it is a fit for you, but not so much about why you would be a good fit for them. Add something about that in there, and you would have a much improved letter, because, honestly, they don't really care if it is good for you, they care if it will be good for them.

[kick-ass-bob]

14. Here are links to a sample thank you - please, only use this as a

GUIDE! We can spot copied work a mile away and almost cinches not getting the job.

http://jobsearch.about.com/od/thankyouletters/a/blthank.htm

http://www.career.vt.edu/JOBSEARC/interview/after.htm#SAMPLES

[lukasahero]

15. "The position is exactly what I'm looking for"

Omit that - pardon my bluntness, but - they don't care. They want to know that *you* are just what *they* are looking for.

Good luck!