A Saturday nite romance poll for the ladies...

[rockymountaindem]

Ok, an anonymous (non-DUer) friend and I are here to drink from the well of DU relationship advice. This question is for you ladies. Allow me to set the scene:

(Please keep in mind that this person has made up his mind on his course of action This poll is to settle a debate between a friend and myself. Is this hypothetical person me or my friend? I'm not telling :P )

Let's say you're a college student. There's this guy in your program who has two of the same classes as you and is in the same small discussion group as you in one of them. This guy is kind of unassuming, average height (taller than you though, if that's important), weight etc. He's kind of cute though. If asked, he would say his most attractive quality is his sense of humor.

Now, you and this guy haven't really talked a lot, from the few conversations you've had, you know that you share a lot of interests and probably some beliefs (you're in the same program, after all). There's nothing about him that would be a potential deal-killer from the start. He's just somebody you may turn out to like. Oh, and you do not already have a boyfriend.

One day after class, this guy comes up to you (not something he usually does) and says, "Hey, how's it going? Good... hey, would you like to go out sometime?"

What is your reaction?

On edit: Please explain the reasoning behind your answer.

[JVS]

1. You have to ride up on a motorcycle and flick your lit cigarette into...

her hair. Only then will she even consider going out with you.

:hide:

[Shine]

2. Well, assuming I'm a single college student, I'd be flattered, of course,

and give my number.

[Nikia]

3. Have something specific in mind

Would you like to go out to coffee? Would you like to go a concert that I am going to? Would you like to go to a (inset campus event) with me?
I would be more comfortable with that anyway.

[Radical Activist]

7. That's what I was thinking

When I ask a woman out on a date I always have one or two ideas for what I want to do.

[JVS]

9. 1) drink 2) screw

[Radical Activist]

11. Well, yeah, but besides that.

Maybe some activity that might make step 2 more likely. haha

[SOteric]

4. Assuming I was available to pursue and had no

objection, albeit no interest; I'd probably counter with a "sure, how 'bout we meet for coffee tomorrow?" Or maybe suggest grabbing a sandwich around lunch time.

I might be unusual in this regard but giving us a non-date type activity to get better acquainted first is easier and has a better chance of success. It doesn't have the pressure, awkwardness and expectation that a date with someone you're not yet hot for does.

[rockymountaindem]

5. Ok, here's my confusion with this.

Now, I've discussed this issue a lot with my friends (including obviously the one I mentioned in my poll) and I don't get this whole "non-date" activity issue. In the beginning, I suppose, having lunch or coffee seemed like an unassuming thing. But now everybody does that for the first meeting. Therefore, lunch and coffee have become date activities. The old cop-out has now become the new big deal, IMHO.

For instance, there's one girl back home I really like, but I don't know how she feels about me. We have spent a lot of time alone together at coffee places, hanging out at my house etc. Does this mean we're dating? I'd like it to, but then I don't know because there's no clear ruling on whether or not meeting for a cup of coffee at 4 in the afternoon qualifies for "date" status. It's all too confusing.

[SOteric]

12. It's all about chemistry, timing

and hopefully some escalating attraction. If you don't know how she feels about you, I'd go so far as to say you're not dating.

I haven't experienced any shift in the expectation of going for coffee or a sandwich, but if you're finding it different then consider something different. The whole concept of the non-date is to take the pressure, awkwardness, anxiety out of the situation and allow two people to get sufficiently acquainted to enjoy each other's company. If coffee doesn't work, then coerce a married or coupled up friend or a relative into hosting some kind of group function. Something on a weekend afternoon for instance, where rather than inviting the charming young thing you lust for to be your date, you give her the details. Say, "a bunch of us are going bowling/to play some putt putt golf/for dim sum/whatever at 4:00 this Saturday, why don't you join us?" And make sure there are enough single people there that the two of you don't look 'fixed up' if she comes. - Even if you have to call your annoying cousin Gert to get the required number of non-couples.

[Orangepeel]

6. you set it up so that the answer has to be "yes"

I'm single, he's cute, there's nothing about him that's a deal breaker, I know that we have interests in common, he's somebody I might turn out to like...

In that scenario, there's no reason to say no, unless she just doesn't date.

If she did say no, then either the assumptions in the scenario are wrong (i.e., there is something about him that's a dealbreaker, like he said something offensive in discussion group or she has some a priori bias) or she's not really single (e.g., even if she doesn't have a boyfriend she's pining for someone else).

[rockymountaindem]

8. Not necessarily

Perhaps this girl doesn't like Mr. Hypothetical for no apparent reason. Maybe there's just no "spark" y'know. I know and am friends with plenty of nice girls who don't have any "deal-breaking" characteristics, but we're just not attracted to each other so we're just friends. It's possible.

But the main thing I'm getting at here is the method of asking this girl out. My friend thinks it's a good idea to just walk up and ask, I personally feel there has to be more face time beforehand, or at least some kind of lead-in like "hey, it's lunchtime want to grab a bite?" Y'know?

[aclog]

10. Well you know

sometimes its hard to get a read on the individuals in question.

You mentioned that he approached her as not something he normally does. Sounds like he is SHY meaning that you might have to cut him a little slack before microscopically scrutinizing how he came up to you (or is it you friend :D)

if there weren't some charitable lasses out there willing to forgive a little initial clumsiness I'd still be *ahem*

And no I have no idea what constitutes a date and what constitutes just hanging out, although doing the deed probably precludes saying "we're just hanging out"

[rockymountaindem]

13. kick

[Left Is Write]

14. I'd prefer a more direct invitation ("sometime" is too vague for me), but

that preference aside, I'd probably be flattered.

I can't tell you with absolute certainty what I'd do, though - it really depends on the person. If I were interested, I'd accept an invitation. If not, I'd smile and say no, thank you. I would not lie, especially if I valued this guy as a person and friend/potential friend.

[LeftyMom]

15. Cute, stuff in common?

Sure, what's the harm in accepting a date? I'd give him my number.

[mac56]

16. You have to get yourself to the point where you don't care

about the outcome.

Easy? Of course not. Important? Absolutely.

You need to not care whether she says yes or no. Otherwise she has all the power in this situation. Be satisfied with yourself for making the effort.

Added bonus for acquiring this attitude: It makes you look confident. Women love confident men. No matter what other traits they may have, positive or negative, confidence will always seal the deal.

Another poster on another thread said to act as if she already wants to go out with you in the worst way. Just go into it with that mindset. There's confidence.

Experience talking here.

[miss_american_pie]

17. Carpe diem, people

Just ask the girl out.

A guy I dated tried to explain this whole ask-a-girl-out anxiety once, and I just did not get it. Unless she's a monster, the worst she'll do is politely decline.

[mac56]

18. then I've stumbled across a few monsters in my time

nm

[miss_american_pie]

20. Then you are better off knowing that from the beginning.

[GrpCaptMandrake]

19. Mrs. Mandrake says

"It's easier for me to check him out and make sure I'm not invading a relationship by my having his phone number. If he's willing to share his phone number, it speaks of his willingness to trust.

I've already played the 'fall-into-his-arms-and-kiss' card with Mr. Mandrake. All it got me was this lousy radio show." :rofl:

[wildhorses]

21. "sometime" is too vague...

you might start out walking beside her as you leave the classroom, ask her about a comment that was made in class, ask her opinion about it. Offer to carry her books...

[tigereye]

22. ok, well

if she thinks the person is cool and she is interested, then she will say yes and make a plan. If not, she will say no. Simple.

Well, maybe I guess I do understand the reticence, since I was once a shy female college student. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained, is what the voice of experience would say. :)

[rockymountaindem]

23. Kick

for another nite. I need a wider sample. Thanks!

[uppityperson]

24. Trade phone numbers and set a time and day to go do something

set it up then. "How about coffee tomorrow after class?"