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The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
This is the city — Los Angeles, California. I work here. I'm a cop.
It was Tuesday, February 9. It was raining in Los Angeles. We were working robbery. Some people rob for pleasure. Some people rob because it's there. You never know. I was working the day watch out of robbery when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There'd been a robbery.
"There's been a robbery."
"Yes, sir. What was it?"
"My clappers."
"Your clappers?"
"Yeah, you know, those things inside a bell that makes them clang."
"The clangers?"
"That's right. We call them clappers in the business."
"A clapper caper."
"What's that?"
"Nothing sir. Now can I have the facts? What kind of clappers were stolen on this clapper caper?"
"They were copper clappers."
"And where were they kept?"
"In the closet."
"Uh huh. Do you have any idea who might have taken your copper clappers from the closet?"
"Well, I fired a man and he swore he'd get even."
"What was his name?"
"Claude Cooper."
"You think it was him, then?"
"That's right. I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers kept in the closet."
"You know where this Claude Cooper is from?"
"Yep — Cleveland."
"That figures."
"What makes it worse is that they were clean."
"Clean copper clappers. Why do you think that Claude Cooper would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?"
"Only one reason."
"What's that?"
"He's a kleptomaniac."
"Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?"
"My cleaning woman — Clara Clifford."
"That figures. Now let me see if I've got the facts straight here: Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper, a kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now, is that about it?"
"One more thing: If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped my clean copper clappers from the closet…"
"Yeah?"
"I'll clobber him."
Dum da dom dom...
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