When online dating goes bad

[pokerfan]

http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20051209/113414040002.html

[Suich]

1. Ewwwww!

I knew there was a reason I never tried online dating!

[pokerfan]

2. Yeah, pretty disturbing

[ChoralScholar]

3. The title of the post

reminded me of "When Cybersex goes bad"

This is really tame and pretty ridiculous:

PM me if you want the address for the rest of them, not fit for general consumption, but funny as hell:

--------------------------
bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
-----------------------------------------------

[ghostsofgiants]

4. BLOODNINJA!!!

Hahaha, some of the funniest shit ever.

[ChoralScholar]

5. Here's one more: I couldn't resist:

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
bloodninja: How did you know?
bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the f--k?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: f--k

[Heidi]

6. Tooooooooooo funny!

Is that from "somethingawful"? That's one of my favorite websites in the world, pranks section especially. :thumbsup:

[ChoralScholar]

10. I don't know.. I just remembered seeing it,

and Googled "cybersex goes bad"

I couldn't even read it, I was laughing so hard.

[Heidi]

11. Oh, you'll _LOVE_ this, then.

http://www.somethingawful.com/spam/

[REP]

15. Saw It In "Harper's" A While Back

One of my favorites:

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

[pokerfan]

24. This is the version of CyberSex I saved some time back

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known 'cybersex.' Often the fantasies typed into the keyboards and shared through the Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does.......

------------------------------------
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a mini skirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36C-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 lbs. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner....it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung. Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidently rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!!!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my mini skirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm...wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes, come on now.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know... thing.. in your...you know...woman thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Oh yes!!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Weelhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No, wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at ...it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off>

[Porcupine]

7. Online dating just starts bad and gets worse.....n.t

.

[ForrestGump]

8. "Dad was ticked for a while"?

If you ask me, Dad was pretty restrained, given that his wife was set to most likley cheat on him and his potential cuckolder turned out to be her son.

It's an oedipal version of that "Escape" song, the one with the piña coladas.

Weird. Weird. Weird.

:o

[LaurenG]

21. That is the same part I found most disturbing

oh well. :shrug:

[ComerPerro]

23. Exactly

[In_The_Wind]

9. ... and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure ~

[ForrestGump]

13. 'Prince of Pleasure'? Amateur.

I'm the King of Carnality.

The Emperor Of Ecstasy.

The Monarch of Mas...yes, well, I think you get the picture...

[Heidi]

14. The Elvis of Ego, too?

Just askin'. :evilgrin:

[ForrestGump]

17. Hi, Heidi of Hedonism

:D

Want to play Heidi-Go-Seek?




First....is You-Know-Who around and is he able to gain ready access to a sword? :scared:

[Heidi]

18. Ha!

:rofl:

Funny you should ask. CMW is asleep, but he _does_ have access to a sword. Here's the katana I gave him for his birthday last year.

[ForrestGump]

25. Uh-oh...

...sudden, unexpected, perhaps irrevocable shrinkage.

Retreat! Retreat! :o

[In_The_Wind]

22. Darlin' Sparkly One ...

err ...

Would you care to back that statement up with something a little more substantial than words?

I promise I'm not your mother.

[Robeson]

12. A 21st Century twist on Oedipus....

...the ancient Greeks were smarter than we think...;-)

[Oeditpus Rex]

16. Somebody call?

:shrug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

19. Something similar kinda happened to me

[In_The_Wind]

20. ...

[LoZoccolo]

26. This is from /Weekly World News/.

Our first source for updates on the bat boy.