What's the most un-Christianlike thing you ever did at church?

[DancingBear]

My two:

1) My brother and I used to wrap Scotch tape around our fingers when the collection plate passed - we'd put in a dime, take out a quarter, then buy candy the next day. One time my brother snatched some folding money and we almost got caught. (NOTE: I think some comedian did a routine about this as well - Bill Cosby?)

2) We went to a Catholic church, so there was a container of holy water at all the entrances to the church proper. One time I brought a half-dozen or so orange Fizzies along and dropped them in. I started screaming "look - it's a miracle!" as the water turned orange.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

1. Pretty good stuff... uh, I guess recieving fellatio during a

service would count on your scale?

Felt right to me, but I am kind of a off-the-wall-christian at best.

[VelmaD]

14. You beat me to it...

only I was on the other end - performed fellatio in a Sunday School classroom. :evilgrin:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

34. That was you? I meant to say thanks, but... you know, the

Pastor came by, and then there was the police and all that bother. I kind of got lost in the confusion there.
Always wondered what happened to you.

[7th_Sephiroth]

19. there is this one firebrand evangelical preacher here

so i sugared his gas tank

[david_vincent]

2. LOL!

Love the orange fizzy miracle!
One time I was taken to a church while visiting a relative. I had no money - none - so when the plate passed, I put what I could in it. Sour balls.
If you'd been there, you could've cut out the middleman!

[grytpype]

3. I watch a show on public access cable in Manhattan...

... called Satanic Mass. It's like this home video made by a Priest of Satan named Andre Schlesinger. It's very, very Satanic, believe me.

I emailed him once and in his reply he signed off by saying "HAIL SATAN!" Now that's what I call a Satanist!

[curse10]

4. The boyfriend did naked jumping jacks in the school's chapel

:-)

[roughsatori]

5. Disobeyed the 4th commandment

Insulted my Mother and Father during the service (in whispers of course). And I'm sure I must have coveted someone's spouse a few times during the Homily.

[Turbineguy]

6. When I was a kid, in Europe, we had a newly built church

The toilets were the type that had the tank high up on the wall. The pipes were plastic and the nut holding the downflow pipe to the tank was plastic and hand tight.

My buddy and I loosened the nut and moved the pipe aside. That was on a Saturday.

We found out later what happened.

Before doing the Sunday service the Pastor went to the toilet. When he was finished he pulled the chain. He was still stting down.....

He preached the sermon wearing his gown over his wet underwear.

We were not punished but had to pay to have his suit cleaned. Everybody including the Pastor thought it was a funny practical joke.

Thanks for triggering the memory!

[scucci]

7. There's really nothing worse than a sibling farting during mass

My sister loved to do it then look around like she was silently blaming anyone who scowered at her. It was hilarious. It would get awful if there was someone with an odd hairstyle or even a stray coat string sitting in front of us. I don't know why it was so funny but even now I'm giggling as I type this. Memories.

[DancingBear]

8. Odd hairstyles, eh?

Anyone remember a horrible type of candy called JuJuBees? if you were seated close to a woman with a beehive/bouffant hairdo (the kind that had a bowl-shaped depression at the top of the hive) you could throw 6-8 of those things in there and she'd never know it. It was hard to do in church, though - we usually reserved that for movie theaters.

[blondeatlast]

15. My worst thing is in the same category . . .

I used to quietly save my gum in my cheek. Once a girl I absolutely despised sat in front of me. When we stood up for hymns; you guessed it. She didn't know till after the service.

[tridim]

9. About 5 years ago

My Mom made us go to Christmas mass. I hadn't been to church since I was about 3 years old. Anyway, the preacher's wife was singing a solo that had almost the same melody as the "Bingo" song. You know, B..I..NGO B..I..NGO and Bingo was his name-o. I turned to my little brother, who knew exactly what I was thinking, he held back a laugh. Then I turned to my Mom, and she started giggling. Turned back to my brother and we both started busting up, we all had uncontrollable giggles so bad that we actually had to leave. Who knew I could have so much fun at church. :)

[CanuckAmok]

10. had "adulterous congress" in the church graveyard.

Hee Hee--too bad we can't talk about sex in the Lounge }(

[Cleita]

11. When I was in high school we had to do a yearly retreat.

It was Catholic high school, so we had to spend three days praying, not talking, listening to sermons and reading religious literature. My best friend and I used to get books from the library that were on the condemned list and we would put the jackets of the religious books over them. I read "The Decamaron" and much of Alexandre Dumas. I never understood why the Church had a wedgie about him. It was our little rebellion.

There were also some screamingly funny religious phamplets on sex, virginity and how not to get men horny. These we would laugh about on the bus home afterwards.

[onebigbadwulf]

12. The Decameron is the best book ever

Loved it.

[Nikia]

13. Laughed at the kid playing a bad violin solo

At the Christmas service, several children played solos of Christmas songs. This little boy played very badly. Basically it was a bunch of screeching. My sister and I were sitting next to each other with our mother. I forget which one of us started laughing but the other laughed as well and we couldn't stop laughing because the other was laughing. My mother was trying to stop us and said that it wasn't funny because the boy's parents were sitting behing us. That made things even funnier. We didn't intend to be mean. It just happened. We were in high school so we should have been a little bit more mature.

[BlackVelvetElvis]

31. When you can't laugh, that's the worst!

A former girlfriend and I went to her parent's baptist church in suburban Chicago. It was a small church and members could come up and perform during service. Those were called "specials". One Sunday, we were in the second pew and a woman came up to the stage. My girlfriend's nephews just lowered their heads-not from devotion, but to keep the eye contact at a minimal. I found out why. This woman "Sally" decided to sing to a badly taped instrumental version of this Christian song. She must have been tone deaf or the tune she sang didn't go with the taped music at all, because it was BAD BAD BAD! The pastor was sitting on stage and kept turning the music up louder and louder to drown out the noise coming out of her mouth. I got a bad case of the giggles (loud ones) and my girlfriend kept saying, "Think of dead puppies!" That only worked for a second. Those 3 minutes felt like 30. Ol' Sally had a rep for bad renditions of contemporary Christian tunes. Never again! God that was hell.

[annak110]

16. I asked questions...

and from the "answers" and the shocked responses I got I concluded that it wasn't necessary and, in fact, it was very dangerous to postulate the existence of a supreme being, especially one that is the key to power for a bunch of white males over much too long a period of time.

[Nikia]

23. The preacher's daughter was the worst in Sunday school

I went to my step mother's Methodist church for a while. In my Sunday school class, was the minister's daughter. She was the one that always asked "Where did Cain get his wife?" and other questions that stumped the Sunday school teacher. I argued against the Trinity as early as third grade. This was based upon my reading of the Bible, not anything that I had been taught.

[annak110]

24. The one about Cain going to the land of Nod east of Eden and

marrying ( "who did he marry") was the one that caused a huge fight in my Sunday School class (Baptist) when I was in third grade. The Sunday School teacher read us the passage, I asked the question and the teacher said, "God doesn't want us to know!" "Well" I said "I want to know". All the other kids moved as far away from me as they could get, the teacher asked the preacher and the song leader to step in. When I Ieft they were all still hollering at each other. The trinity was a good thing to argue against too. In addition at that age one could point out the child-like description of "heaven" "Streets of gold?" how impractical and immature can you get. Churches taught racism and sexism too. You sound like the type who would do what I did, try to start your own religion.

[NightTrain]

17. Singing the "Roger Ramjet" theme during a mass

But I was only three at the time! My mother never took me to church again, though.

[CanuckAmok]

20. HAHAHAHAHA! Best thing I've heard in ages!

.

[soleft]

18. I stole a gumby from sunday school

[stevedeshazer]

21. After Saturday catechism class

My friend and I raided the communion wine. We were 14.

[kcwayne]

22. I met my (to be) wife's minister for a pre-wedding counseling

session. He started laying a heavy dose of how I needed to accept Jesus Christ as my savior and lord, blah, blah, blah, and asked me would I do this.

I did the un-Christian thing (in his mind) and told the truth. I said that I wasn't interested in mythology and would live my life based with moral principles based on reason, and not on the fear of retribution from some being for which there was not a single shred of evidence of its existence. I said that while he was earnest in his beliefs, that if we were having this discussion in Iran, he would be claiming that Allah and Islam were the only true guiding light based on his upbringing. That being the case, I didn't understand how he could sit there and claim that Jesus was the only possible answer and must be followed.

He was utterly shocked and said he didn't have to marry us in the Church if I felt that way, but out of respect for my wife's father would go ahead. I wonder if the fact that my father-in-law is a deacon and a major financial contributor to the church had anything to do with the Rev foregoing his principles.

[drb]

25. My friend Greg...

...hit the pianist with a spitball during the service. Right on the back of the neck, and she swatted it away like it was a bug.


Then there was the time in our little Episcopal church in rural Arizona.... <smiles and leans back to recall>

It was a beautiful spring day... all the windows were open in the little house we used for a church... all the windows were open in the next-door neighbors' house, too, only about 15 feet away...

The Ruperts lived next door, and they didn't go to our church. Matter of fact, they didn't go to any church, and were instead given to laying around in their underwear on Sunday mornings.

This particular Sunday, we could hear Mrs. Rupert yelling at the junior-high age daughter... "waaagh, waagh, waagh!" in the back room. Finally they moved up to the living room, right by the open window, and we heard her holler, clear as a bell, "I told you - a lady sits with her legs together!!"

[CSI Willows]

26. I only go to church when I am with my father...

...cause I'm a Jew and I go to temple. But the worst thing I've ever done in a church was probably one of the worst things I've ever done, quite on accident too.
1) My father was forcing me to take the communion wafer and wine thing in an Episcopalian church that he went to during Christmas, which totally violated my values. So, I decided I was going to take the damn wafer and eat it then stick my tongue out with the chewed wafer on it at my father and say "There, are ya happy?" But instead, and this was unplanned, I wasn't paying attention to the wafer as I ate it and began choking, and of course, no one noticed. I tried to give myself the Heimlich manuever and then threw up all over the area where you take the communion thing.

[regnaD kciN]

28. That IS one of the worst things imaginable...

...and I'm not talking about you getting sick at the altar rail. Hey, I'm not talking about you at all, except incidentally. I'm talking about your father. Only those who are baptized and "practicing" Christians are allowed to share in Communion in virtually any sacramental denomination, including the Episcopal Church. Allowing (and note that here I say "allowing," not "forcing") a non-Christian to receive the Body and Blood of Christ is considered the greatest of all blasphemies and sacrileges -- how much more so when it's a matter of making a non-Christian receive the sacrament when they don't want to! By pressuring a Jewish person to receive Communion, your father is not only showing disrespect to your conscience, he's also showing disrespect to his church, if not to Christ himself. If I was an Episcopal priest in his parish, and heard about this, I'd excommunicate him on the spot! (I'd also let you know that, while you were welcome to attend services whenever you wanted to, or ask me questions about my faith if you were so moved, there was no reason for you to be there, if you were merely "going through the motions" for the sake of maintaining peace in your family.)

:grr:

[CSI Willows]

29. I know

Unfortunately I literally had no choice but to go to the church and take it...anyone who knows my father for who he really is know that not only is he a horrible person, but a hypocrite as well. My parents are divorced, and that makes it even more difficult.
All he cared about was making himself look good by raising obedient children and making us look like his little Christian angels (I say we because he forced my brother to too). Believe me, I never feel right going in there in fear that I might be disrespecting the honest people unlike my father who go to church and practice what they preach. He has no right to be in the church, believe me. He is probably one of the biggest phonies...when he was married to my mother he didn't go to church or have a religion, now all the sudden since he married my step-mother he is Mr. Religious Right.

[BurtWorm]

27. My Mexican-Jewish friend and I went looking for women at one,

the central Cathedral in San Luis Potosi, Mexico. It was New Year's Eve, you understand, and we were two lonely guys from out of town. We were looking for action! We were driving up to Monterrey from Mexico City, and SLP was a convenient stop. We spent an hour or so driving arond the Zocolo. We may have stopped at a bar or two. Nothing. Everyone--and I do mean every one--was going to church.

So my friend Eduardo finally parked the car, and he turns to me and says (sounding a little pissed, naturally), "It's New Year's Eve, we're horny, and where are going? To church!"

I burst out laughing, but I ran after him as he went into the Cathedral. We had to go through these big, creaking wooden doors, and every body--all 300 people or so--turned around and glared at us as we found a space in a pew. And I started to crack up as I got an image of Eduardo in my peripheral vision--this slightly pissed, extremely horny Jewish guy--scanning the room looking for babes. In very short order, Eduardo gave up and left. I felt, for propriety's sake, that I should stay just a second, but immediately I started thinking about Eduardo looking around like a peacock at every peahen in the pen. I realized I had to get out of there or I'd be making a seriously blasphemous scene. As I was walking down the aisle toward those awful giant, creaking doors, I put on a distressed face (which wasn't too difficult considering how distressed I was feeling) as though I was too moved by the splendor and the pageantry to bear it anymore. And as soon as I got past those doors, I just opened up and laughed and laughed and I couldn't stop laughing until we finally found a hotel for the night.

So we didn't find women, but I still crack up when I think about Eudardo looking for a chick to pick up in the cathedral.

[Sting]

30. Interesting question this is....

since it was brought up, I actually had sex in a church when I was 18. The best part about it was we were really loud and the whole place was quiet. This was not during a service. It was during a weekday when nobody was there. What do you think I am, a freak? LOL.

[guitar man]

32. A girl I was dating

Was a member of a fundie holy roller type church.She bugged me to death to go to their church picnic,which I really didn't want to go to,but I finally gave in.

I showed up at the picnic with a couple large pans of my "special recipe" brownies. A good time was had by all!

[imax2268]

33. You don't want to know...