I need advice...family and the holidays

[conflictgirl]

My mom has a history of being controlling. She is a huge ball of stress at the holidays and frankly it almost ruins it for me because she complains about EVERYTHING. But here are the two biggest problems I really have to address somehow:

1. She buys way too much stuff for my kids. I know, I am lucky that the kids have a grandparent willing to do it. But I've asked her every year to please cut down a little on the gift haul because they already have so much, but she never does. And I feel like she's trying to upstage me and my husband by getting the kids so many things we couldn't possibly compete. It's not just that she gets them too much, it's that it's a lot of work for me to come up with all those gift ideas and then there aren't enough left for me to get them. And she completely freaks if it turns out she got them a duplicate.

2. We celebrate together on Xmas eve at her house. We bought a new house this year and she asked if we could host it at our place because our house is bigger. We agreed - but she wants to bring all the food. She said it was out of concern for our finances, but I said we could afford it and was told that they really want to bring the food. My mom is a very picky eater and I am sure that she just doesn't want to eat anyone's cooking but hers. So now I am "hosting" Xmas eve, but really I'm just providing the venue. But she's also determined the time we will do it, without consulting me first. She also determines who is to be invited. In previous years she has excluded all of the extended family and the only ones present were me and my sister and our respective spouses/kids. I think it sucks to exclude the rest of the family on principle AND then I have to find time to see everyone else. If I'm hosting, I want to invite the people *I* want. I would LOVE to be the hostess if I really get to be the hostess - instead I feel like I'm being used for my venue space alone. My husband thinks this situation is all totally weird and rude but will back me in however I decide to deal with it.

How should I address these things? I know that even a therapist-approved conversation will result in a fight because she doesn't react well to any boundary setting. Is there anything I can do? I've always just gone along with whatever she wants but I feel like it's gone too far.

[bertha katzenengel]

1. Lay down the law and say "my way or don't show up at all."

"It's my house. I will invite anyone I like -- this is not just YOUR family. Don't bring food. And if you can't abide by these rules, do not show up."

Harsh, yes.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

[Loonman]

2. Jeepers

If "my house, my rules" doesn't apply here, I don't know what to say.

[miss_american_pie]

3. I think we teach people how to treat us

This is your first year in the new house? A perfect opportunity to start new holiday traditions.

As to the gifts, I'm afraid I'm not much help. My MIL does the same to us.

[Dora]

4. I'll try...

Problem #1) Decide what you're giving your children for Christmas, and don't tell your mother. Give her a list of things you will not be giving your children, and then you won't have any duplication. If you don't want her buying too many, give her a short list. If she complains, "is that all?", just say yes. If she wants to buy more, she'll have to use her imagination.

Problem #2) It is your house, you are hosting, you can invite whomever you please. If she wants to provide the meal, it should be for all the guests. If she doesn't want to do that, then she doesn't have to bring any food.

I'm sorry your mom is such a pill. I'm a struggling control freak myself, so I enjoy reading these posts - they give me something to learn. :hug:

[Karenina]

5. Sweetie, Darling, Babykins...

:hug: STOP GOING ALONG WITH WHATEVER SHE WANTS. You're an adult with your own family. You have a new house and THIS is the time for YOU to make the traditions that your kids will remember. Invite that favorite cousin, her family and maybe even a friend or two who may have nowhere to go. Make it a planned pot luck and tell your mom she can participate (with whatever favorite dishes YOU designate) or not, her decision. Do please make your stand NOW. It's TIME. She can react however she wishes to boundary setting. YOUR MISSION (if you choose to accept it) is to SET THEM.

Your husband is correct, it's rude and weird. But I understand as I had a contolling mother too. Moved halfway around the world to free myself.

When kids have too much stuff, I always found it a great object lesson to make them go through it during "spring cleaning" and decide what they don't really have an interest in. Then take them somewhere that they can give it away to kids who will really appreciate it.

[LeftyMom]

6. I'm the last one to give advice, I suck at family dynamics

I don't think a big fight would work out well, and if she's not used to you standing up to her doing so suddenly will probably cause a huge fight. Would it be worth it to try compromising?

I'd let her know that she can get the kids a reasonable gift (I won't define reasonable for your family) and that if she wishes to spend more you'd prefer the difference go in thier college funds or something? If she's not cooperative when it comes to excess gifts, maybe you need to make arrangements with the kids to donate some by either cleaning out thier toys and clothes before the holidays or taking a few of thier Christmas gifts to the homeless shelter or something afterward.

As for the food, let her know that you'll be cooking and inviting who you choose and that she's welcome to bring an extra pie or something if she likes. Does she live close enough that you can split holidays, doing Christmas at your house and Thanksgiving and Easter at hers or something like that? Or alternate years? If she sees herself as the matriarch, she probably sees hosting the family as her right and responsibility.