Rules I can live by!

[Rainbowreflect]

RULES I CAN LIVE BY

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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a
finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have
voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have
two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right
above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef
with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual,
you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US
Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern
Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first
place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering
me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in
the first place.

[Left_Winger]

1. I'll accept these

:toast:

[WCGreen]

2. God you have a lot of rules....

New Rule: No rules in the sack.....

[jane_pippin]

3. New Rule: Credit Bill Maher when you use his stuff

Other than that, I'm with ya. :hi:

[Rainbowreflect]

9. Sorry, I just received it in an email.

If I had known I would have given him full credit.

[jane_pippin]

10. Hey, no worries.

That's just the trouble with those forwarded things sometimes.

The "New Rules" are fun to read so thanks for posting them. His book of the same name is worth checking out too if you haven't yet.

[Initech]

4. Plenty more where that came from!

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

[In_The_Wind]

5. I agree with all the rules in this thread.

:thumbsup:

[MissMillie]

6. pretty good rules, but....

Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


Looting is looting whether white people do it or non-white people do it.

[Burma Jones]

7. I particularly like the Starbucks rule

I once ordered a "large coffee, hold the adjectives" after waiting behind someone that had ordered four complicated drinks. I received a nasty stare from the customer and laughs from the staff......

[Midlodemocrat]

8. Me, too. Anyone who takes longer to order the coffee than it does

to drink the damned coffee is a premium asshole.

[Left Is Write]

11. This comes up every once in a while.

I'll be sure not to stand by you when I order my decaf double tall reduced fat eggnog latte. :P

[Burma Jones]

12. I think you would see the humor in it, and not give me a nasty stare

I made the "no adjective" order as gentle satire......