Favorite Mitch Hedberg lines

[mac56]

Post 'em if you got 'em.

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "Prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti. And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."

I have long hair, and see: people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like "an extreme longing for cake." People would see a guy with long hair and say, "Damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake." Mothers telling their daughters, "Don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.

[ghostsofgiants]

1. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica...

Dude didn't even get his degree.

I once saw a wino eating a grape. I said "hey man, you're supposed to wait!"

I'm not into sports. If I had athletes foot, my first reaction would be, "that's not my fuckin' foot!"

[Dude_CalmDown]

2. Died way too soon - just like Chris Farley & Brad Nowell

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

[Starbucks Anarchist]

3. "When I was a kid, I had a paper route.

So I would have to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters."