We've done the ninja movie thing... now lets talk bad shark films!

[BigMcLargehuge]

and no easy ones like Jaws 3 and 4.

[BigMcLargehuge]

1. Shark Attack 2

Shark Attack 2 -

http://www.horrorview.com/Shark%20Attack%202%20shame.htm

Ahhh the local video store. With the advent of DVD and the consolidation of video rental stores into a small number of big conglomerates with several locations, the rumors of the rental home video revolution’s demise have begun to circulate. This, I believe, is premature, and I will tell you why.

Aside from the fact that most of these places stock DVDs for rent, they are always loaded with people, and correspondingly out of films like “Glitter”, “The Animal”, and “Douche Bigelow, Male Gigolo”.

People are stupid, so there will always be video rental stores, but that is not the only reason video stores will be around for a long time to come. See, rental outlets, especially the larger ones, can’t simply stock their shelves with countless copies of “Black Night” and “Big Momma’s House” that much crap in one place would turn a Blockbuster into an EPA Superfund site in less time than it takes to peruse the new release section.

So video stores are left to fill their shelf space with tapes and DVDs from third string direct to video releases from such stalwart industry giants as Full Moon and Troma Films. Falling somewhere between this are the foreign importers like Trimark Films. I am not actually sure if Trimark actually makes any of their own movies or simply acts as a distribution channel for other people’s stuff, but pick virtually any box with a Trimark logo and you can almost guarantee that the film contained within will suck the life out of you like a bulimic vampire with an iron deficiency.

[BigMcLargehuge]

2. Shark Zone

http://www.horrorview.com/Shark%20Zone%20shame.htm

Hello capitalist brothers and welcome to Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative! Sit down, sit down! You would like some borscht, no?

I ask you to come all the way here to Post Soviet Eastern Europe for screening of new epic masterpiece, Shark Zone! You like Jaws, yes? You like Russian crime mafia film, yes? You like Shark Week on Discovery Channel, yes?

Then you LOVE Shark Zone! Is like Dr. Zhivago, is like Battleship Potemkin, is like Godfather! But, unlike those films which all different, Shark Zone take all of them, mash them together, then make group of Community College quality actors perform for you while very inexpensive stock footage of sharks offers much tension and frightening!

Because I, Dmitri Badfilmova, and all employees of Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative, know true success only come when our glorious product available widely in United States, we set Shark Zone in San Francisco! But, saving money is our business, so we film all in Bulgaria. PERFECT stand in for San Francisco! San Francisco have Golden Gate Bridge you say? No problem, we buy stock footage of Golden Gate Bridge! San Francisco have many treacherous hills with trolley rides up and down you say? No problem! We buy stock footage of hills and trolley rides! Then, our team of editors create seamless vista of San Francisco with some stock footage taken on foggy day, and new footage of Bulgaria taken in rain, or bright sunshine! No one know any better!

[BigMcLargehuge]

3. Red Water

http://www.horrorview.com/Red%20Water%20Shame.htm

What do we know about Bull Sharks? Plenty, if, like me, you are a fan of the annual teeth and fin-a-thon known as Shark Week on The Discovery Channel. In fact, about two years ago they ran a show that was both informative and unintentionally hilarious called “Anatomy of a Shark Bite” wherein shark researcher Erik Ritter proclaims that he has figured out the behavior patterns of Bull Sharks and knows how to keep from being attacked.

Ritter is performing this stunt for erstwhile nature show host Nigel Marvin (who was in turn filming an episode of his show “Watch Me Handle This Extremely Dangerous Yet Misunderstood Animal And Not Get My Nuts Bitten Off”) which, as far as I can tell, never aired except as part of Anatomy of a Shark Bite.

In a touch of ichthyological irony one of the Bull Sharks bites off Erik Ritter’s calf muscle just as he is explaining how these animals, while dangerous, are misunderstood, and won’t bite him if he doesn’t act like prey.

Whoops. I guess no one gave the shooting script to the sharks.

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

6. That is an absolutely fantastic review

huge kudos to the writer for keeping it up. I also have a burning urge to see it, which I'm sure isn't healthy.

(edit - I just noticed you were after "bad" shark flicks which the following is obviously not) Not worth it's own post, but I must mention the shark sequence in Zombie Flesh Eaters (aka Zombie)

[BigMcLargehuge]

7. you didn't notice the writer's name?

it wasn't familiar to you at all? It didn't bring about a sense of dejavu?

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

9. I am incredibly unobservant!

:yourock:

[BigMcLargehuge]

8. I also managed to keep it up through this one

Boa vs. Python

http://www.horrorview.com/Boa%20vs.%20Python.htm

Hello again capitalist brothers! I am very glad you fly all the way here to Dmitri Badfilmova’s Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative to view our newest buster of blocks, Boa vs. Python! After massive international success of super-mega hit Shark Zone we decide to make another crazy animal rampage movie. What make this movie different from Shark Zone you ask? Silly American, no sharks in movie named Boa Vs. Python! Ha! So obvious yet you not figure it out… No No, that’s good. It mean suspense!

What that you ask? Is this another movie made almost entirely of stock footage? No no, not this time my skeptical western customers, this time we hire first class 3D studio modeling company to make our fantastic super-duper-real CGI snake effects. How good are they? You ever see extra-super-fun game Playstation? Well these look almost as good as what you see on Playstation games featuring giant monster battling CGI snakes.

What that? Vodka? Yes, of course I have vodka, you kidding this is Eastern Europe? So cold here sometimes make you want to douse yourself with gasoline and smoke cigars just to stay warm. Vodka usually safer for heating body though, so we usually use that.

Here you go my brother, a nice tall glass for you. Only the best for my, shall we say, business partners, this is Volkoff Vodka, cost almost four American dollars per gallon. Very, very good stuff.

[NMMNG]

4. Deep Blue Sea

:puke:

[BigMcLargehuge]

5. Kick

:kick:

[BigMcLargehuge]

10. kick

:kick:

[Nicholas D. Wolfwood]

11. Open Water

nt

[henslee]

12. Orca w/Rich.Harris, Charl. Ramplng,John Carradine-killer whales count too?

http://www.coolcinematrash.com/movies/orca.htm

[BigMcLargehuge]

13. doesn't count as it's not a shark, but I might start a bad sea creature

movie thread to accomodate it.

FYI, I liked Orca.

[henslee]

18. Wow, you sure run a strict thread. Fair enough. Back 2 the drawing board.

[Spirochete]

14. Blue Demon

was the worst one I've ever seen, including Jaws 3 and 4

[Rabrrrrrr]

15. That last animated shark movie

Can't remember the name, but it was a total loser let down. So close to being good, but constantly falling short.

[BigMcLargehuge]

16. A Shark Tale

haven't seen it. Something about my inate desire to gag whenever I see or hear Jack Black.

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. That's it - very disappointing. It wasn't awful,

bu tit wasn't good, either.