OK, so my best friend and I have it all figured out...

[Sugar Smack]

This will be the flight of the future, if Bush stays in office for even one more year.

"First Class" is still called "First Class", but "Coach" is called "Third Class". If you fly First Class, you're seated in a good, plush leather chair slightly reclined. You can have at least a half-foot of space around you. You don't get a menu, the flight attendants ask you what you'd like. If your wish is grilled saffron-tomato chicken with bearnaise sauce, that's what you'll get. There's a tiny satellite dish on top of the plane so you can watch any movie you want on your personal screen.

They'll mix blender drinks for you if you want them. Beautiful men and women (including Fabio) will kneel at your feet and give you foot massages, saying things like, "I've worked for this airline 8 years and I don't think I've ever seen someone so beautiful." They fan you with peacock feathers and thank you for the privelidge of looking at you. They'll shampoo and condition your hair, buff your nails and croon sweet nothings and endless compliments at you.

If you're a passenger in "Third Class", you may have to sit on some stranger's lap. The Movie shown is on a wide screen and a popular feature is "Final Destination", which is played over & over. Very loudly. The seat in front of you is .5 inches from your knees.

The flight attendants are wearing horse blinders and rollerskates, so you can't get their attention very easily; however, if they notice you look too comfy,they'll thump your ear. The only reading material is the Safety Features card. If you feel a little queasy, you may pull out the barf bag and notice it hasn't been replaced, but rather, emptied.

The seats have built-in whoopie cushions, which could be an embarrassment for any traveler. Dinner's served just as the plane is about ready to land. Everyone gets the same thing: an undercooked chicken leg with a sprig of parsley. You can drink alcohol like the First Classers, but you pay $20 per drink, and there's NO smiling when they serve it, just a sigh and *tsk tsk* and a shake of the head.

I don't want to scare anybody, of course. I'm getting on a plane in 5 days myself, and I'm scared shitless of flying.

;-)

[LeftyMom]

1. So third class would be like Southwest now, but with dinner?

God, I hate flying.

[Sugar Smack]

2. LOL! I don't believe I've ever flown Southwest!

The "Jumbo Jets" are the worst, aren't they? You imagine there's more room, when all it is is an excuse to pack people in like chickens going to the slaughterhouse.

I used to lke flying, and I'd fly 4 or 5 times a year. One incident made me really scared of it, so now I have to be properly medicated before embarking.

[LeftyMom]

3. I don't have to get medicated or anything,

but how tight they cram people in is rediculous. The seats are too small for me, and I'm 5'2" and kinda skinny.

[Sugar Smack]

4. It takes me about an hour to unclench my jaw

after such cramped flights. I like it when people are peacefully reading (even if they're on top of me) but the proximity of it all bugs me, especially on long flights.

Off topic, I loved your picture in that thread! You look like such a sweetie!

[LeftyMom]

5. Thank you!

Yeah, I hate crowds and noise, so flying isn't exactly my favorite thing to do. I do my best to just kind of detatch and let it all slip by, but it's not easy in teh absence of any clearly defined personal space.

[Sugar Smack]

6. Now if you have a window seat,

You can experience the terrifying & thrilling feeling of banking sharply on a turn and watching the horizon BECOME the ground. I have to kind of avert my eyes. If I hear a child laughing- say, at horrible turbulence, I calm down a bit.

[Kenneth ken]

7. yee haw

" The seat in front of you is .5 inches from your knees. "

That will be a full one inch improvement from the last few times I've flown!

:bounce: I can hardly wait! :bounce:

[Sugar Smack]

8. OH, I adore your optimism!

LOL! :rofl:

"Hay, are you gonna eat that half-cooked chicken leg?"

[Kenneth ken]

10. naw

I'll trade for your sprig of parsley. :)

yikes, here comes the roller-skating flight attendant again, I better try to squeeze my legs back in so my feet don't get run over again (true story, I usually try to get aisle seating so my legs have a place to go, and typically get my feet run over by the drinks cart.) :eyes:

[Sugar Smack]

13. I have to be by the window.

Out of total rudeness, you understand.



:D Bathroom breaks and the like. If you've ever read Hunter Thompson's "The Curse of Lono",you'll find an interesting anecdote by the good doctor about his seatmate who fished a wedding ring out of the toilet and got his arm dyed blue.

[fudge stripe cookays]

27. Yep, me too.

If we're going down, I want to see it happening so I can judge our progress. :P

I go completely barking mad when we're stuck in clouds.

reprehensor and I left Toronto in a big storm a few years ago, and I have never been so upset on a flight before in my life.

We went up into it, were getting tossed all over the place, and the pilot stayed in a cloud bank for what seemed like 20 minute to half an hour. Tears were rolling down my face-- I was practically hysterical, and gripping poo r's hand for dear life. He didn't know what had come over me; he'd never seen me like that during a flight before!

fsc

[Sugar Smack]

35. Oh, hey darling fsc, that is BAD & I'll tell you mine:

I was on my way back from San Fran after a great visit with my brother. The woman beside me was a little older, neatly dressed, and I had my vagabond duds on sparked with a little expensive jewelry. She kept GLARING at me.

2 hrs into the flight, a Woody Allen movie came on. I'd dosed on two things of wine and my tummy was feeling warm. All I remember about the movie was that Isaac Misrahi was in it, and that suddenly the movie itself seemed to "disintegrate" and the screens went black. The lights started going out in the cabin.

The turbulence was so awful that we took a nosedive; you could see the ceiling of the plane and not the rows ahead.

You know how flight attendants are supposed to act, right? They're supposed to say in a smooth voice, "Attention, we are experiencing mild turbulence and the captain has requested that you return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts".

Not this lady. She shrieked, "EVERYBODY GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS NOW AND FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS NOW! DO IT NOW!"

The woman who'd been glaring at me grabbed my arm and someone screamed. My seatmate started crying.

Maybe if I'd told her that right before a plane crashes, all you have to do is jump up, and you'll be ok! :D :loveya:

[fudge stripe cookays]

39. HOLY SHIT!

You're braver than me, hon. After that, I'd probably never get near an airport again, let alone a plane!

:scared:

[no name no slogan]

9. Oh, baby you'll do just fine

I know you'll be GREAT. The airline, for all its flaws, has very good people working for it, and they'll take good care of you.

And if they don't, they'll hear from ME :evilgrin:

Can't wait until you're here!!! :*

[Sugar Smack]

11. Me neither. You're worth it.

Even with the thunks on the ear!

[hippywife]

12. You two have a great time!

I remember the anticipation when my (now) hubband and I were doing the back and forth routine between Ohio and Oklahoma. It was so hard to wait to see each other as each day passed!

Enjoy your time together. I'm sure you'll make the most of it. :hi:

[Sugar Smack]

15. Thank you a million, hippywife.

It will be worth the trip, but I may have to, as they say, "self medicate" before it. Good Lord, I've been reading too many Stephen King short stories about disastrous flights.

:eyes:

[no name no slogan]

20. I am SO PSYCHED for her visit

I even bought a new down comforter for these cold Minnesota winter nights. Now if I can just get my apartment into a respectable state before Tuesday, all will be well with the world! :7

[Sugar Smack]

24. Did someone say "down comforter"?

You know, if down is suitibly contained, it really is fine stuff!

If it is loosened, there goes my face. You won't even recognize me; my allergies will have turned me into someone you'd kick out of bed for eating crackers. I'll look like the Sta-Pufft Marshmallow man.

Not trying to be a wet blanket, har har.

[fudge stripe cookays]

26. Uh oh.

NNNS, you may want to exchange it for a fake down blend.

We slept over at a friend's place one night, and I must have an allergy to down that I didn't know about, because my legs didn't stop itching all night!

Fake down is just as comfy, and no pesky allergies to worry about. Did you keep your receipt? :yoiks:

[no name no slogan]

30. Oh no....

Well, it's brand new, and it will be in a duvet cover, too, so I think it will be suitably contained? If not I can return it tonight and get something else...

:)

[Sugar Smack]

31. THAT sounds suitably contained. ; )

My ass is grass if we engage in a pillow fight. You'll automatically win! :D

[no name no slogan]

32. w00t!

Thankfully the pillows are 100% something-not-made-of-down! ;)

[hippywife]

28. I can feel how

psyched you guys both are. I know it's hard being apart but the days leading up to a reunion and the excitement of it all are so electrifying, no? I wish you both a wonderful visit. Sounds like you have the "warm" covered on so many levels, my fellow Kucitizen. :)

[fudge stripe cookays]

14. Aw it'll be fine!

And look what you have to look forward to! :D

I just flew back from Wisconsin Sunday, and it was NOT FUN.

I usually go through O'Hare and just drive up, but I went into Madison this time. I didn't realize that ALL the planes in and out of there are the little doctor killers.

We had a huge front move in early Sunday morning, and were getting 40-50 mph wind gusts! Then, they didn't think the plane would be able to take off because of extra weight.

They asked for volunteers, and I did, because I was in no hurry to get home. Turned out, they said they could fit me on, so I got on (had to pull my laptop out of the case so they could put my laptop case in the hold!). So I sat through the stewardess' lecture, and they pulled me off again because it turned out we WERE too heavy.

So instead of taking American through St. Louis, I took Midwestern into Milwaukee. But being in that teeny thing being buffeted all over the place? NOT FUN!

I had tons of antique photos that I got up north in my bag, and the pilot took us out over the lake before bringing us into the airport. All I could think was "Get back over land! What will happen to my pictures?!!!!!"

But I got a freebie voucher from American! More genealogy, baby! Woo hoo!

Have fun, ya'll!

fsc

[Sugar Smack]

16. Ha ha ha ha he h heh heh haugh augh AUGH!

I love geneology, I adore you, it'll all be worth it, but HELP!

:o

[fudge stripe cookays]

17. Do what I do sweetie.

Have about three Bailey's on the Rocks at the airport bar before you take off. :thumbsup:

It's practically like chocolate milk. Only FORTIFIED! :D

Another thing I didn't like about Madison. There's a teeny tiny teeny tiny extra small tiny bar on the ground floor (separated from the gates by security!). That sucked.

fsc

[Sugar Smack]

18. Bailey's! That's a wonderful idea cause I like the taste

of something that can make me immune to "6 tons of steel in the air", Honey, I'm truly not as sensible as I used to be!

[Sugar Smack]

23. I meant 600 tons of steel in the air

but you knew that!

I have so many vivid dreams about tiny airport bars, haunted ones. All tinged with some kind of horriffic ghostliness. Is it any wonder I'm awake at 3:00 am?

Have I ever told you you're the best? And that Dan loves you too?

:yourock:

[no name no slogan]

21. I'll make it up to her-- I promise!

I'm taking her to R.W. Frost's for brunch, so maybe I'll score some extra points there, huh? :hi:

[fudge stripe cookays]

25. Yum!

Thank God she has a local to show her the ropes though. The food was good, but for a newbie sitting alone and not knowing how the system worked, their service SUCKED!

I wrote a crappy review for some travel site. I forget which one. I was THAT pissed. I told them I made a special trip there because I'd heard how great it was. I said that they had an opportunity to appeal to travelers, since they had a Website etc, but that their service sucked unless you were a local, and that I was insulted by how crappily I was treated.

Too bad it's getting too cold to sit outside. The garden was GORGEOUS!
fsc

Ya'll have fun! :hi:
fsc

[merh]

19. Take some dramamine.

It's very effective.

One year I flew to Aspen with a group of friends. It might have been my 2nd time to fly. Well, when we left Denver for Aspen, the snow began to fall and we had to circle Aspen for HOURS. We were up there so long, all of the alcohol was consumed, except for one drawer of alcohol that was stuck shut. The flight attendants let passengers try to open the drawer and I swear, everyone on the plane but me tried. I was too green and I was afraid any unnecessary movement would be detrimental to someone's shoes.

So finally the pilot comes over the speaker to tell us that we are almost out of fuel and we have enough to make it back to the Denver airport. We fly back and then we are forced to take an taxi to Denver.

Long story short, the night before we were to fly home, it snowed like crazy. It was snowing when we awoke and I was freaked. Well, I took 4 dramamine pills and by the time we made it to the airport, you would have thought I had taken Quaaludes (and yes, in during my misspent yuth I had tried those so I know what I am talking about). I just sat there on my bags, with a shit eating grin, listening to my music through my headphones until the plane left. I don't even remember the flight. I think we had to switch planes in Dallas, but I am not sure. :crazy:

Dramamine is a wonderful thing. :smoke:

Good luck to you & enjoy the trip! :hi: :hug:

[Sugar Smack]

22. LOL! Merh, that was a good story: "The drawer was stuck

and everybody tried it but me". Well, It's funny how "stage fright" and "flying" can be compartmentalized if you are self-medicated.

....By the way, keep an eye out in a few days for a box labelled, "A Box of Smile" (which is the name of a Yoko Ono piece!)
A box of smile!!!! :)

[merh]

29. LOL -- did I mention it was one of those hopper planes,

the two prop smaller plane? :crazy:

A box of smile - OMG, that is what happies in the mail are, a box of smile. I look forward to checking my mailbox everyday!

thank you for caring enough to send me a smile ;-) :hug: :loveya:

[fudge stripe cookays]

33. I love the mail smiley!

I have about a bazillion genealogy treats I'm expecting back from archives around the country. That is what I'll look like when they show up.

:D

[Sugar Smack]

36. Oh, I LOVE that Smiley!

(to merh- that made me laugh my ass off at work!)

Well, I asked the guys at work if the had styrofoam peanuts. They said "no". so I padded the box with Hershey's Miniatures, Mini Crunch bars, Baby Ruths & Butterfingers instead!

BUMMER! :D

[pitohui]

34. wow, i wish first class was really like yr fantasy

dream on, i have not seen any foot rubs by fabio yet

tell me what airline yr flying, i'll tell you if you should be scared or not

one legacy airline has an 80 yr old flight attendant, and he is not known for his charming personality

[Sugar Smack]

37. Northwest, baby!

Is that good? Please?

[Canadian Socialist]

38. First Class sounds like

my home on a normal day.







:rofl: Except for all the foot massaging, good food, compliments, etc.