Parenting question

[seemunkee]

Saturday night my wife and I are about to leave the house to go to hear some music and my daughter(16) comes home with 3 friends(one girl, two boys) and asks to hang out and watch TV. My wifes immediate response is we can't leave with teens in the house. I thought it would be OK. My wife asked if they could go to one of the other kids house where the parents are home. So they leave.
The reason I thought it would be OK was: They knew we were leaving and could have circled around the block and waited for us to leave. Instead they were honest enough to show up while we were home. Our daughter has been honest with us about her relationships and we have no reason not to trust her.
My daughter also knows, or should have known, how my wife would react. My wife didn't really know who's house they would go to when they left ours. They very well could have gone around the block and come right back to our house. None of the 4 kids are really couples, just friends.
What would you have done?

[imperialismispasse]

1. Your daughter might be trustworthy

but there arent any trustworthy 16 year old boys. I know because I was a 16 year old boy. I think your wife was right.

[Shell Beau]

2. I don't have kids so I can't say, but I do know that

my dad never allowed me to be in the house with boys while he or my mom wasn't there. It can be a tricky situation! :shrug:

[seemunkee]

5. We know she broke up with one boy due to pressure about sex

she also has followed her older brother in following the straight edge principles of no drinking, no drugs, no smoking, and (presumably) casual sex.

[Shell Beau]

6. Good for her!

Still, I'd be a little wary about it even though nothing would likely happen. :)

[BartInPC]

11. Congrats...

I know it's not foolproof, but with your youngin' being straight-edge, it does help make it a bit easier for you. I always loved the fact that straight-edge has a whole crowd where it's only cool if you're "square" to most other kids.

Think I'll go dig out some hardcore right now as I putter around the house.

We always had the no friends over when no adults are present as well. You just don't want to invite more problems.

[MissMillie]

3. I would make it clear to the parents of the other kids

that you were not planning on being home. It's important that the other parents that information. If they don't mind that you're not home, and you think you can trust your daughter, then fine.

[Midlodemocrat]

4. I agree with you, MissMillie.

The parents of the other children need to be informed in case they feel that their own child needs to be supervised.

That being said, I think the OP's wife was right. I wouldn't leave teenaged boys and girls alone.

[seemunkee]

8. I doubt if the other parents knew they were at our house.

With cell phones parents, and I include myself, believe they can trust we call and their whereabouts so it's OK for them to say I'm going up to town to hang out and will be back at XX:00. Most of the time she will call us and tell us who's house she is at and letting us know who is there and how/when she will get home.

[Bunny]

7. I'd say your wife was right.

My teenager (13) is pretty trustworthy, but she will not knowingly be left home alone with other teens (boys and girls) when she's 16. Too much risk, in a lot of ways.

[skygazer]

9. Nothing wrong with clear boundaries

It's very good that your daughter is comfortable enough to ask directly rather than sneak around but that shouldn't really be the criteria to allow a situation that is iffy - IMO, 2 16 year old couples (whether just friends or not) is iffy. Just the nature of the age.

I agree with the poster who suggested the other parents should know that you weren't going to be home. Communication between the adults as well as with your own children is paramount. Helps prevent a lot of problems.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

10. The parents and home rule

is the smartest rule. Every time my kids got in trouble, either we weren't home or they were someplace where nobody was home.

Now, I wouldn't throw them out to run to the grocery store, but to leave for a concert...

wouldn't do it.

[AngryAmish]

12. Your children will lie to you

It is necessary for both of you to save face. Just like you lie to your kids. A completely honest relationship means either 1. parents are condoning bad behavior of their kids or 2. you have a boring kid.

[realisticphish]

13. she's 16

if she wanted to do something "bad," it would take zero effort to do it. All she wanted was to have some friends hang out at the house. you say you both trust your daughter...so why don't you trust her? :shrug:

*not saying you don't; being all academic and hypothetical and shit

[seemunkee]

14. I do

My thought was we only had two choices
We either trust her and go out.
Or
don't trust her and stay home.
This idea that we kick them out to go somewhere else without checking to assuage my wife's guilt was wrong all around.

[realisticphish]

15. ahhh

i see what you mean. yeah, i agree with you

[Karenina]

16. Actually, I feel your wife was spot-on.

The boundary is now indelibly established in your daughter's peers that "home-alone-teenie-hang-out" is off-limits in the Seemunkee homestead.

[tigereye]

17. I think you were smart

but, I also think that kids are smart too, and there are many of them who have ample opportunities to do risky stuff and do not, esp. if they are 16.

As a teen of that age, I remember being with boyfreinds and friends alone at parents houses, or in the other room, or in the basement, park, school, what have you, where there were ample opportunities for risky stuff, but it rarely happened.

When you train your kids to be smart, sometimes you also have to give them the chance to be smart.

[Xithras]

18. You're being naive IMO.

None of the 4 kids are really couples, just friends.

If you really think that 16 year old boy/girl pairs really just "hang out" and watch TV when their parents aren't around, it's been too long since you've been a 16 year old. When I was 16, ALL of my great sexual experiences happened in either my home, or my girlfriends homes when their parents weren't around. And yes, I did have sex many times with girls who were just friends.

It's great that you trust your daughter. I have a daughter who's approaching that age, and I trust her too, but I would NEVER knowingly leave her in a situation where sexual activity was not only possible, but likely. However "normal" some people may think teen sex is, you have to remember that every single psychological study done on the subject has reiterated that teens are NOT mentally prepared for the emotional turmoil and attachment that comes along with sexual activity. While it's important to be understanding and promote safe sex if your kids ARE active, that understanding shouldn't be interpreted as encouragement or permission. Leaving teens alone in a house is de facto permission to engage in whatever kind of activities they want.

It's not simply a matter of trusting your child. Parents need to be aware of the emotional and mental limitations that still exist in teenagers (they're not adults), and treat them accordingly. Trust is good. Freedom is good. Self reliance is good. Full independence to engage in whatever kind of activities they want is NOT good.