Help! I've got a letter to write

[Canuckistanian]

OK, so here's the deal. My in-laws, who live about 4hrs. drive away, are pissed at me. Christmas is coming up fast and all of a sudden they've expressed some displeasure about what I did 3 years ago.

What did I do? Well, I told off my Mother-in-law, on Christmas morning, that she better behave herself and stop being so miserable on this day of days, and let peace reign in the household.

Now, she had it coming. I have been spending Christmas morning at their house for 3 years previous and some disturbing trends were reappearing.

First off, I and my family were not allowed to see my own family on Christmas day. We had to spend the entire day at my MIL's. No exceptions. Not that she had any plans, just that she was jealous of
anyone having a good time (my take). On top of that, she was miserable, insulting and disrespectful of not only myself, but of all around her.

Christmas before had been a nightmare. She insisted on criticizing most gifts given to her with a loud "That's not what I wanted! Did you keep the receipt?" I was always shocked by her behavior.

Well, I gave my speech that day, and there was no trouble (relatively speaking). The speech was given privately and under no restrictions. And everything went as well as could be expected. Until now.

Apparently, since that time, my Mother-in-Law has been harboring some resentments about that day.

Now, I am not denying that I was blunt. In fact, I surprised myself.

But now here's the crux of the biscuit. Unless I write a letter of apology, to her, I can't expect to spend Xmas at their place. Which is fine by me, except for my wife and 8-year-old boy. They're used to going there.

Now I have to write a letter apologizing to her.

How should I phrase a letter of apology to someone that I absolutely abhor? I know I should be discreet, polite and diplomatic, but how far should I go without being completely honest?

Thanks for your attention.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

1. Wow. Sounds like your 8 year old is more mature than his grandmother.

I don't know if this will help or not.

I was pretty appalled by things my mother-in-law would do...like the time she stuffed a superball down the front of her dress and she told my 9 year old stepson to "Go get it." She wasn't too thrilled when I told her "I'm sure he won't do that, because he's too much of a gentleman."

Like your mother-in-law, she always complained about the gifts she got. And she'd interrupt me in mid-conversation, then get angry if I ignored her rudeness. She could be very generous with regard to giving gifts and money, yet she really didn't have a clue how to be a supportive mom.

She's been gone for about 8 years now; and I can't honestly say I miss her. But what I've come to realize is that it's possible this woman was suffering from some kind of dementia. She was 70 when I first met her, and her behavior became worse as she got older. She may have been an entirely different person 20 years earlier.

Anyway, I guess if I was in your position, I might write something like, "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt the day I confronted you so long ago. And I'm sorry that you didn't feel you could talk with me about it for three years. I hope we can all get together on Christmas and set all those negative feelings aside for the sake of the family and for the sake of the true spirit of Christmas."

I'd write it with a smile on my face, intent upon relieving her misery without allowing her to make me feel miserable. And if she gets a fit of the grouchies, maybe you could tease her out of it...but that all depends on the person, I guess.

Good luck to you. :hug:

[Canuckistanian]

8. She's always been a miserable person

At first I was appalled at her behaviour. Now, I just feel sorry for her. She has no friends and people avoid going to her house.

My Father-in-Law is the polar opposite, though. Always joking, outgoing, loves kids and dotes on my son. I actually like being with him.

I'd like my son to be with his grandfather.

I guess I'll write the letter apologizing, but I'll be honest and tell her that everyone has their breaking point, and she pushed me past it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. I think that sounds perfectly reasonable.

I have to wonder why your father-in-law hasn't tried to straighten her out, though. Have you talked with your wife about all this? What's her take?

The rare occasions when I argued with my mother-in-law always ended up with her telling me she couldn't take that kind of thing because of her weak heart. Nobody ever dared defend me. So I just let it go. My respect for my in-laws went down the drain with my anger.

[Floogeldy]

2. You snapped on Christmas morning.

[KitchenWitch]

3. I love the nutcheck smiley!

I think it is one of my favorites!

[hickman1937]

4. Your wife is ok with this apology?

Your wife is ok with her mother's bad behavior and your 8yr old is too? And you are ok with not seeing your family(if you apologize) anymore on Christmas? Good Luck. My family drifted away in the 90's because of this shit. Guess what? All the in-law families melted down and now my big brother is scrambling to put our family back together. Word to the wise, if you are close to your family don't write that letter. Stay close to your family.

[Canuckistanian]

5. It's not my family. It's just two In-laws

I have a family and they're wonderful. A big, happy, noisy, outrageous family. And I'd rather spend Xmas with them. I only see them on Boxing Day.

My MIL is the one who insists that we spend all of our time with her.
Just sitting around the house. No Christmas music. No special food. No activities of any kind. No visitors coming over. Just the ticking of the clock.

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. Fuck her. She's psychotic.

Don't let her rule your life. Tell you don't need to apologize.

Tell her that you are happy to visit on Christmas day for a while, but that your family will absolutely visit both of your families.

And if she doesn't like it, too tough fucking beans for her.

She's a manipulative psychotic. Is she an alcoholic? Seems to have all the behavioral patterns of an alcoholic.

Doesn't seem like anyone an 8 year old should spend much time with.

I know your wife probably wants to see her parents on Christmas, blah blah blah - perhaps the compropmise is that you all go to YOUR family first, then she and the son can go to her family, since you arne't invited anyway, and then they can do whatever they want.

And your wife, at some point, is going to have to wake up and admit to what is before you - an abusive mother who isn't worth her (your wife's) time.

[malta blue]

7. write a letter explaining that until she gets into the

"Christmas spirit" you will be going to your family's home where you are all welcome.

[Divameow77]

9. She sounds alot like my MIL

and my husband and I haven't spoken to them in over a year, not that Im a giving you that advice, just sharing my story.

Does your wife really want you to apologize? I'm not sure my husband would be so cool with apologizing when he really did nothing wrong.

Her behavior sounds horrible and I'm sorry your family has to spend every Christmas in such a stressfule environment. Have you guys ever thought of alternating years between families?

[Kali]

11. YUCK

he adult thing is to follow Goddesses advice in reply #1.

For anybody else reading, especially new families just starting out - let this be the warning. Make a tradition of your OWN for every other year or at least every 3rd year. If you don't claim some space for yourself early, you will NEVER get it later.

[miss_american_pie]

12. Can you do this without resentments?

I believe you teach people how to treat you. So if you can suck it up for your wife and child's sake until MIL ceases to exist, good for you and write as short a letter as possible.

I'd have the mother of all conniptions at being told I had to write an apology letter, so good luck to you.

[Midlodemocrat]

13. There is no way I would apologize to her.

My MIL was the MIL from hell, but thank God that is where she currently resides.

She made my life miserable while she was alive, and now that she is gone, we discover that the only money the family had, the house, was given to my SIL 10 years ago, rendering my FIL essentially penniless. He has SS, about $1000 a month, but lives with us because my SIL tried to choke him.

I wish that old fucker was still alive so I could spit in her face.


Don't apologize....go to your family's.
And, frankly, your wife owes you an apology for even bringing this up.