Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

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Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,
I'm 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I've tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely In Laredo

Dear Lonely,
A cow's skull is remarkably thick, so you've got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days, we'd use a cast-iron mallet, but it's hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a pnuematic bolt gun, both for its ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though: Any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so be sure to wear those non-skid boots.




http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37378

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. I hear the president of PETA owns a slaughterhouse

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2. and a rendering plant

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. And he always provides the lard for the NAMBLA meetings

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4. he was pol pot's lover back in the 70s

[Rabrrrrrr]

5. And Commandant of Auschwitz

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6. one of his patrilineal ancestors founded the Ku Klux Klan