Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream

[ZombieNixon]

About me, about you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockels of our hearts
Maybe below the cockels
Maybe in the sub-cockel area
Maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon
We don't know

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh-uh)
I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime, saying "how about this heat?"
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped face
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's a real fucking asshole)

Myabe I shouldn't be singin this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
...naah!

I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertable. Hot pink! With whale skin hubcaps, all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I'm going to drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour getting one mile per gallon sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers. And when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers, I'm going to wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm going to toss the styrofoam containers right out the side and there ain't a god-damn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we go the bombs, that's why. Two words: nuclear fucking weapons, OK?! Russia, Germany, Romaina, they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OK?! John Wayne's not dead; he's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're going to thaw out the Duke and he's going to be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times. That's how pissed off the Duke's going to be. I'm going ot get the Duke, and Lee Marvin and-

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!

Why don't you just shut up and sing this song, pal?

I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E! Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!
(Asshole...asshole...ooooooh)

I'm an asshole, and I'm proud of it