My skin is too thin

[lady raven]

I mentioned in a recent welcome post that when I was a newbie here I had been accused of being a Freeper because I posted a controversial question (which I now know was a mistake on my part, though well intentioned) at a stressful time (just before the election) when I had a low post count.

I almost left DU then and actually cried through the whole thing, but some very kind DUers persuaded me to stay, apologized, etc. and I've been a happy camper here ever since.

Well, something has happened again somewhere else. My state Democratic party board. I posted innocently and reacted when someone posted something VERY insulting and hurtful. Now one poster is going off on me, accusing me of changing my story (I didn't- She just didn't read my posts) and even attacking my USER NAME, which on that board is "Joshuasmommy". "Joshuasmommy" was my first nick here, which I changed when Skinner announced that he was allowing us a one- time chance to change it. I wanted a new start. I have used "Joshuasmommy" since before my son was born because being his mother is the most important thing in my life, period. There is nothing obscene, racist, or insulting to anyone about that username, and I resent that I was attacked for it.

This is what she said about my username: ""It is also a significant indicator that you chose to identify yourself at an adult board as someone's mommy, instead of just choosing an adult moniker or your first name."

Nice, huh?

Anyway, I am posting here because I need to vent and maybe catch a little sympathy right now because I'm upset. The board in question is a small group and there's no way to "unstain" my reputation there, so I've left and asked the moderator to unregister me. So no more of that problem. But I'm still upset and what is with these mean- spirited people who don't fucking READ!!!!!!!!!!???

This person seems to have suddenly developed a huge problem with me, though, although I have been a MEMBER there for about 2 years, I've posted only about 30- ish times. Quick to make an enemy, I guess.

(And yes, I know I should have ignored her, but I didn't and there is nothing I can do about that now, but I'm still hurt and angry, mostly that she outright LIED to try to make me look bad.)

[LaraMN]

1. You know what, honey?

No matter WHAT you say or do, SOMEONE can always find a way to take offense-- sometimes it's reasonable and warranted, sometimes people are just looking for a fight or a kicking bag. You know you're a good person and I'm sure most anyone else with a modicum of intellect and empathy would recognize that, as well. Try not to sweat it- the world is full of assholes regardless of their political affiliations and it sounds like you ran into one. May karma bite her on her on the ass.:hug:

[lady raven]

5. I know that, but

It's still hard for me not to be hurt. I'm a sensitive person by nature, regardless of telling myself that people like HER are just messed up.

And thank you for the hug. It was much needed today.

I can't believe I let people on message boards make me cry!

[LaraMN]

10. Sounds to me like that other person needs a new username;

Ms. Snatchypants?
Soulcrusher Sue?
O.U.C.I.M.A.Psycho?
PleaseKickMyAssAndDoTheWorldAFavor05?

[lady raven]

12. ROTFL!!!!!!

Thank you for the much needed giggle!

[LaraMN]

13. Success!

:bounce:

[Ladyhawk]

16. Amen. My latest thread just erupted into flames.

DU is constantly covered in kindling and gasoline. Enter at your own risk.

To be honest, I'm getting fucking sick of it. I'm thinking of moving on.

[LaraMN]

19. Y'know what else? Why is it that my dumbest posts always have the

most longevity? Those threads that you just don't want to look at anymore will seemingly never die- particularly if you were misinterpreted in them. If I have inadvertently started a minor shitstorm over my posts about corduroy pants today, I will laugh myself to sleep tonight.

[Ladyhawk]

21. I had that happen to one of my stupid posts, too, once...sheesh.

I can't even remember what the stupid post was about, but it was really, really stupid, short, with a n/t at the end of the subject line...completely non-controversial. I got flamed over it. :wtf: It hurt more than some of the other ones because it was totally unexpected.

The one I started today got moved from GD to the Lounge and (sorry mods) it belongs in GD. I wanted it to be a calm discussion and it turned into a flamefest. Anything remotely controversial will turn into name-calling in a hurry. Pile on the flammable materials!!!! Wheeee!!!!

[lildreamer316]

26. Ladyhawk

PLEASE please do not go!! I love reading your posts; you are quite the voice of reason and also reasoned dissent quite often. I know it is hard here sometimes, but we are just having growing pains brought on by the influx of people who have FINALLY realized what all of us have known forever.
Signed; the Queen of Run-On Sentences.
Love ya lots.......

[KitchenWitch]

2. People...

Why is it anyone's business how you identify yourself...

:hi:

As far as growing a thicker skin, I used to be very thin skinned, but then I got cynical. If it were me, I would rather be less cynical.

[lady raven]

7. I wondered that too

If my username isn't obscene or racist or something of that regard, what does she care what I use?

I remember a song from several years ago that went, "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way". Most of the time that is how I feel, but at times like these I wish I could just grow armor.

I know it's stupid to cry over something someone at a message board says. I think in this case it's more the fact that it's a small group and my reputation there will never recover. But I'm still feeling shitty right now.

I'm so glad I found my place at DU. Most of those Oklahoma Democrats are just Republican Lite anyway.

[Texasgal]

3. I realize that it is hurtful.

But, your talking about an internet message board. On a grand scale, it amounts to nothing.

I too had the same problem when I came to DU. I lurked for 3 years before registering, so I can sympathize with your situation.

Just think about things that really matter.... not some jerk on a message board. That's what helps me.

I hope things get better for you! :hug:

[lady raven]

8. I know

You're completely right. Now if only my emotions would listen to that.
I'll be fine. I'm already feeling a LITTLE bit better now that I've gotten things out.

[lady raven]

4. Here's what happened:

I posted a dupe of what I posted here, asking for info on the scope of the first Amendment because I had a friend who had received some annoying emails, the emailer telling her that he had a Constitutional right to email her whenever he wanted. I didn't ask for advice for the friend- She has everything WELL under control and now hasn't (so far) gotten any more email. They were unwanted forwards, jokes, and "Hey, what's up" kind of messages, but unwanted nonetheless. I did not run there hysterical about a bunch of emails- In fact, the only reason I MENTIONED my friend's situation was to explain that I wanted to know how the FA applies to a situation like this. I thanked all those who offered kind responses.

One person went off saying awful things about my friend, about how she was enjoying the attention, about how the guy was better off without the likes of her, that sort of thing, and it upset me. As many people (especially sensitive ones like me) do, I get upset when someone attacks me or someone that I care about. So I emailed them back, scolding them for judging someone they don't know in a situation they know nothing about. Then this woman chimes in. Just for your amusement, here is the exchange. I know I shouldn't have responded to her, but I did. Now I'm unregistered, so she can lie to her heart's content without any worry about a response from me.

She can even go on making up imaginary children that I have. Not only do I not have a daughter (never implied that I did), but I don't have any child over 5. I'm not OLD enough to have a daughter old enough to be in this situation.

Here you go- This only includes the exchange between myself and the person I'm talking about :

------------------
Her:
"Most emails have blockers on them to stop unwanted emails.
Your daughter can also contact the ex-boyfriend's service provider and file a complaint.

(She's quoting me here)"Sorry again, but I fail to see what all the unsolicited advice to the email recipient has to do with the scope of the First Amendment."

(back to her)Because most of us exist in the real world, and after having conversed on the Internet for years, realize that sometimes a whacko will get bothersome and one has to take simple steps to disengage and move on. Little email intrusions are nothing compared to what many others of us have had to deal with.

If your daughter truly can't change her email, then the best thing to do besides (1) using a blocker and/or (2) filing a complaint with his service provider... is to just ignore, and he will probably get bored with non-responses and move on himself.

As for your gestapo approach to query posting... There's the intent of the first amendment, and then there's the reality of what has to happen to enforce it. So coming here and telling everyone off that doesn't stay within the bounds of what you demand for an answer is ridiculous.

You're making one hell of a mountain out of molehill.
------------------

My response:
(quoting her)"Little email intrusions are nothing compared to what many others of us have had to deal with"

Are you referring to those of us who have (edited to remove something too personal, but can be replaced by the words "stalked and abused") If so, then you're right. When you've nearly been murdered by an ex, someone else's little email intrusions seem insignificant. Which is why I didn't make a "Mountain" out of a few annoying unwanted emails. SO why would you accuse ME of making the mountain out of the molehill here?

I just wanted to know if the First Amendment allowed ANY of us to say ANYTHING we want to ANYONE we want. I didn't come here all hysterical about some unwanted emails.

If I had a daughter (I don't) and if I were involved in the situation, maybe I would be making a big deal of the emails. My history as a domestic violence survivor and near- murder victim are all the more reason for me not to get involved in someone else's drama. I prefer to leave that to the police. The only suggestions you offer that she did NOT already follow are using a blocker (She opted to save the emails to show the police instead) and changing her email (not possible). Possibly due to my own history,I agree 100% with her decision to take the most extreme action (within the bounds of the law) possible to get him out of her hair, which is involving law enforcement. I'm sorry if you don't agree.

If you would reread the conversation, you can see that my "gestapo approach", as you call it, arose from some very insulting comments made toward my friend, which were unfair and unwarranted (and which have now been apologized for by the poster, which I appreciate). When I or someone I care about is attacked, I (like many, especially those of us who are parents) react.

I hardly call my decision not to respond to certain discussions a "gestapo approach". I didn't silence or ATTEMPT to silence anyone, but it is just as much my right to REFUSE to respond as it is for the person to post.

(the "gestapo approach" she's talking about here is in regard to my posting that I would no longer respond to the posts about my friend since they had been insulting and were not the issue I was posting about)

------------------
Her response (getting nutty now):

(note- At this point, I had decided to leave and I went back and deleted EVERY post in my history except for the last few)

"Well, here's the deal, Joshua's Mommy...

No matter what happened to your daughter, friend, or whoever... the irony is breathtaking that anyone would log on to a public, democratic board and demand that only lawyers be allowed to offer their opinions on the issue of email and free speech.

The irony is not only significant enough to make one's head spin, but it is a perfect example of why BushCo was able to flamboozle the masses with his civil-rights-busting patriot act nonsense.

Secondly, I read your comments several times (though it seems you have now deleted the initial post)... and your story seems to keep shifting.... first it was just unwanted casual emails... "hi, how are you" I believe you indicated... Now you are coloring it with your own history of abuse. There's a vast difference.

It is also a significant indicator that you chose to identify yourself at an adult board as someone's mommy, instead of just choosing an adult moniker or your first name.

You are not the only person here, or have a child or friend, suffer from abuse or stalking, and attacking other people who are simply trying to help... perhaps from their own experience, is just wrong.

If your friend is already working with law enforcement, then basically you already knew whether this was an issue of "free speech," which, of course, it was not.

At any rate, I hope the situation is remedied and that you and yours remain safe from harm. "

------------------
The quotation marks are where I quoted her. Statements without quotes are mine, and I should note that I never "demanded" an answer of any sort, let alone one ONLY from a lawyer. I used "lawyers" in the subject line for no other reason than to get the attention of any lawyers who might be there and might know the answer. I got several constructive responses from non- lawyers and they were thanked for it.... My response (I should have just held it in and not responded at all, but I was angry):


"Well, here's the deal, Joshua's Mommy... "

Really?

"No matter what happened to your daughter, friend, or whoever... the irony is breathtaking that anyone would log on to a public, democratic board and demand that only lawyers be allowed to offer their opinions on the issue of email and free speech."

You are ABSOLUTELY correct. That is why I didn't do that and would NOT do that. Several NON lawyers here offered constructive answers, free of attacks. And they were thanked.

"The irony is not only significant enough to make one's head spin, but it is a perfect example of why BushCo was able to flamboozle the masses with his civil-rights-busting patriot act nonsense."

See above.

"Secondly, I read your comments several times"

Somehow I doubt that. Your next set of comments sort of disprove the above statement.

"(though it seems you have now deleted the initial post)... and your story seems to keep shifting.... first it was just unwanted casual emails... "hi, how are you" I believe you indicated... Now you are coloring it with your own history of abuse. There's a vast difference."

WOW is all I can say.

First of all, if you're reading my posts, then where did this DAUGHTER of mine come from? I have no daughter. I never implied I had one. That's crazy.

Additionally, My story never shifted ONCE. MY history of abuse from MY ex husband is MY experience. HERS is unwanted casual emails. I never said otherwise. In fact, I myself stated there was a vast difference. Please read before responding to avoid this type of error in the future.

And yes, I have deleted the initial post as well as MOST of my post, as I want every trace of me to be gone when I leave here. That is my right. If you REMAIN confused about what I said, I'm sure that the moderators here probably have access to the posts that I deleted. Evidently it isn't a problem for you that I deleted them, because it has allowed you this opportunity to make the baseless accusation that I have somehow shifted my story. So enjoy the chance to rewrite history (of course, that is the politically correct term for what you are doing) while you can.

"It is also a significant indicator that you chose to identify yourself at an adult board as someone's mommy, instead of just choosing an adult moniker or your first name."

What does my username have to do with this? Good grief. And what is not "adult" about identifying myself as a parent? What's up with you- You've run out of things to attack, so now you attack my user name? Very sad. Isn't it more fun just to go back to rewriting history and claiming that I changed my story?

"You are not the only person here, or have a child or friend, suffer from abuse or stalking,"

#1- Why do you keep talking about my child? My elementary school aged son is NOT suffering from abuse or stalking

#2- I don't have a friend suffering from abuse or stalking. I have a friend who has received some annoying emails.

#3- Not only did I NOT claim to have a "child or friend" suffering from abuse or stalking, I also did not claim to be the "only" one.

"If your friend is already working with law enforcement, then basically you already knew whether this was an issue of "free speech," which, of course, it was not."

First of all, I know few police officers skilled in the interpretation of the Constitution of the United States. I'm glad to hear that, wherever you live, the officers of your police department are Constitutional scholars. Unfortunately, the ones in my town are not, and the ones in my friend's city apparently are not. However, have it your way. I have no right to post here asking for information about the Constitution. I already knew the info and just posted here to waste my time and cause trouble. Please forgive me for doing something so awful.

A word of advice to you: Please READ before you post- My message and then your response to it are right out here for the world to see. Please be sure you know what you are saying before you say it. Your logic is DEEPLY flawed (claiming somehow that I'm comparing annoying "hi, how are you" and joke emails to stalking and abuse is a BIG stretch and claiming that I said only lawyers could respond just because I mention "lawyers" in the subject line to get their attention is laughable). The anger you are directing toward someone you don't even know who said nothing at all to insult or hurt you is just a BIT much as well.

Good day, Ma'am. (Of course, it's only right for a child to address her elder in this manner)

---------------
I then posted two more messages before unregistering:

Me:

Some history can't be rewritten while the message still remains posted:

Joshuasmommy:

""Little email intrusions are nothing compared to what many others of us have had to deal with"

Are you referring to those of us who have had an ex husband steal our mail, poison our cat, break the windows out of our car, and choke us to the point of unconsciousness? If so, then you're right. When you've nearly been murdered by an ex, someone else's little email intrusions seem insignificant. Which is why I didn't make a "Mountain" out of a few annoying unwanted emails. SO why would you accuse ME of making the mountain out of the molehill here?"

You must be a very angry person to be so intent on attacking someone that you not only don't read the message you're responding to, but you start attacking their username when you run out of things to say. I'm so sorry for whatever is going on in your life to make you such a bitter and angry person. The good news is that this "non- adult" is leaving due to the bad behavior of other posters here (including yourself.

And, before you say it, I won't let the door hit me on the way out (Though I'm sure you would enjoy that as well).


and then I posted this and unregistered.

Thank you very much to everyone who answered without attacking. I truly appreciate the information. Good luck to everyone.



Anyway, flame away if you want, but I needed to vent and maybe pick up a little sympathy. I am now persona- non- grata and my state board because one of the group's LEADERS (yes, she is) is a flaming asshole who can't read.

[nini]

6. Assholes really show themselves when anonymity is their friend

People that say that kind of stuff feel brave when they're hiding behind their monitor. I don't know what it is about the internets that drives some folks to just be plain old assholes.

It's tough to shake that off but do it. They are not worth you being upset about and should not ruin your mood.

Some people just like to be contrary and when they resort to attacking your username they have nothing else of substance to contribute. That alone should be a clue at how pathetic they are.

Hang in there. don't give those creeps the time of day. They're simply not worth your energy.

:hug:

[lady raven]

9. I'll be OK

Thank you for the pep talk, and fortunately I cannot post there now, and I won't even go back there to read whatever lies she follows up with.

If she has a problem with people not using an "adult username" (What IS an "adult" username, anyway?) or their own first name, DU would give her a stroke.

I think she's safer at the Okie board. And I'm better off in a forum with some actual Liberals and Progressives.

[Ladyhawk]

18. True. I've been considering moving on because I'm sick of it.

Try to start an honest discussion and it devolves into name-calling and flame wars. You push someone's button. They push yours and everyone can just hide behind the mask of anonymity.

[raccoon]

31. Amen to that, nini!

I'm going to copy and paste that and keep it.

I think part of the measure of a person's character is his/her ability to remain civil and decent even under the cover of anonymity.

And HereKittyKitty, that other poster must not have a life to get worked up about what your handle was.

I wish I were thicker skinned too. I'm working on it.

As you know, on the Internet anybody can pretend to be anything. The poster could be another Mother Theresa...or another Ted Bundy.
Or be certifiable, have dementia, be totally inebriated/drugged, going through withdrawal from street OR prescription drugs, etc.

As someone else said, some people are just looking for a fight. And some people are TERMINALLY defensive.

Sorry that happened to you. Remember, ignore is your friend.

[skygazer]

11. Vent away

It's irritating when people refuse to even try to understand what you've posted but, that said, it's absurd to allow it to affect yourself so deeply.

There's just no sense in trying to argue or reason with someone who is determined to be spiteful and mean. It is just a message board and that person knows nothing about you and you know nothing about them.

I can't offer any real advice except one piece which is probably going to sound cold and unfeeling but really isn't. And that is to not take it so personally because it's not. You're just about making yourself sick over this and you've given up a membership on a board that you've been with for 2 years just because some idiot wanted to mess with you. That's an extreme reaction to something that doesn't warrant much more than a shrug and a wry smile. This is not a close friend or family member - it's a total stranger on a message board. Fuck 'em.

I'm sorry you're so upset about it but it's really not worth being upset about at all. :hug:

[Chicago Democrat]

14. DU people are mean and like to attack and argue first and read

and think later!

Don't let em get to you! 'member we are all pretty liberal and all Democrats.


BIG LUV AND HUGS

[obxhead]

15. The other users of the site will see past the BS

and if not, ya don't want to be there anyway. Hope all gets better for you.

[SeattleGirl]

17. I've run into people like that, both online and in person.

There is just something about them -- the make an instant decision as to who you are, what kind of person you are, and BAM! That's it. Would could be as logical and rational as possible, try to explain your opinion, etc., but believe me that kind of person is NOT going to change their opinion of you.

I remember this one woman in particular that I worked with years ago at a hotel. She and I worked in the accounting department with two other women. We all got along pretty well (which was good, because we worked in a very small room). Well, one day I came in to work as usual, said hello to everyone, but this woman did not respond. During the morning, I realized that she kept shooting me nasty looks -- they were hard to avoid because our desks were pushed together and we faced each other. I finally asked her what was wrong. She said, "You know very well what's wrong." I said, "Um, no I don't." She responded, "Look, you know damned well what you did, so just shut up and leave me alone!"

HUH????? To this day, I have no idea what I did (if anything) that caused her to turn against me. I tried, for awhile, to talk to her, get her to tell me what she thought I had done (who knows, I may have inadvertently said something that hurt her or made her mad), but she refused. So, I stopped wasting energy on her. And yes, it hurt me, because I am not a mean person, and I would never deliberately say anything to someone that I know would be hurtful. But after awhile, I realized she was just stuck in her mindset, and I let it go. Felt much better after that.

So I hope you feel better....:hug:

[redqueen]

20. Well you did try to make yourself understood.

That's really all you can do.

I would work on the thick skin. Perspective helps, as well. :hug:

[WilliamPitt]

22. You suck. I hate you. Your usernasme is crap. You molest collies.

I make in my pants sometimes.

:P

Sorry you got messed with like that. The 'net really brings the inner asshat out of a lot of people.

[sendero]

23. Ha!

>>This is what she said about my username: ""It is also a significant indicator that you chose to identify yourself at an adult board as someone's mommy, instead of just choosing an adult moniker or your first name."

What a load of bollocks. Where did she get her crystal ball, at KMart?

I look at it this way, anything you say SOMEONE is going to not like it. You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself. :)

[Tony_Illinois]

24. Yes--Your Skin IS Too Thin

My advice is to go back on the board you enjoyed being a part of. So what if some biatch has a problem with you. You have a problem with her too, right? You said so--how she went all stupid without reading your posts. Why is her annoyance with you--right or wrong--more valuable than yours with her?

I get ripped here and elsewhere sometimes, and I get annoyed with some of it. But HERE I AM. My views are mine--I wish the whole world embraced them, but that is not gonna happen.

[geniph]

25. I'm kind of in the same boat

Every time in the last few weeks I've read in one of the goddam local political blogs that I didn't have a chance to win my election, it's depressed the living shit out of me for days. I've done two robo-calls to voters - 30-second calls, easy to hang up on - and both times, I've gotten hate mail from people saying that I suck because I wasted their time with a 30-second robo-call. Both times, it depressed me for days.

I don't think I'm cut out for politics.

Fucking bloggers, anyway. What, do they have some oracular knowledge not granted the rest of us?

Meh.

I hate Keyboard Commandos. I really do. Don't say anything to me electronically that you wouldn't say to my face, or you'd better be willing to get a lot of porn spam.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

27. I have thin skin too

and have been to therapy about it. It was explained to me that some of us have such heightened sensitivity to criticism because we genetically (through evolving) are threatened by it. It seems that when we hunted and gathered, women, especially, had to stay on the good side of the other women in order to survive. You need somebody to watch your kids, help you weave your baskets, etc. So there is actually a reason why you are having such a hard time with it.

Now that I have explained that, let me also say this: the bitch is a lying slut bottom feeder who doesn't deserve the emotional energy you are spending on her.

There is not a thing wrong with being "joshua'smommy" as it tells a lot about you and also probably helps you connect with others. Don't you DARE change it. Ignore her and don't get into flame wars. Maybe something like this: I am sorry I don't meet up to your personal standards.

[lildreamer316]

28. Seconded.

I am pretty thin skinned too, especially since I 'm a stripper and tend to put myself in a situation to get attacked alot by other women. Kinda crazy of me, heh? Guess I am trying to force myself to get past it.

Take a breath and remember if you weren't saying anything important or worth thinking about, no one would waste time getting angry with you about it. If you aren't pissing them off you aren't doing your job.

(said the stripper--ha ha)

[Tony_Illinois]

29. Grannie, Didn't I Read that You Were "Leaving"

and going to The Well? Short trip?

[TallahasseeGrannie]

30. That was the plan

and I joined the Well... 15 bucks a months! And I started there yesterday. Felt very odd, like getting into bed with a strange person!

Some folks here nicely informed me that if I can across with some bucks HERE that there are other forums. I thought there was on GD and the Lounge. I was looking for some writers' groups and technology. So I got out the credit card, got the yellow star and am now looking around here for widening my perspective a bit.

The Well is cool, though..but seems like it might be kinda hard to "break into." Those folks have been together a long time.