Deflowering my virgin wife

[bunkerbuster1]

Calm down, it's not what you probably think.

Last night we were watching a rebroadcast of the Daily Show which, as you all know, segues into the Colbert Report. My better half is a huge fan of the former, but the latter, not so much. We've only watched a few episodes together, but there have been a few bits that she's found aggressively unfunny (and which I'd found dark-humorous, effective but not ha-ha funny, necessarily.)

Point is, she wasn't really getting it, and I realized it was because she'd never experienced the horror that is the Bill O'Reilly shitfest, on (conveniently enough) at the same time on FoxSnooze. During a Colbert commercial break, I wanted to flip over to Fox.

But since this was her first time, of course I was gentle and patient. I wanted everything to be just right.

I asked her, "Are you ready to experience the intense horror, the severe blotchiness, the falafel-ness, the gratuitous public displays of hatred that are about to be depicted?"

She nodded and said simply, "OK."

And as if on cue, as I switched to Fox, there was Falafel-boy duking it out with John McCain over torture. Classic! O'Reilly was his typical assholish self, continuing to assert that he'd allow the President to use torture as he saw fit.

It was good for her. She now gets it.

Or so she tells me. I can only hope she's not faking it.

[rug]

1. The first time is often painful.

[BlueIris]

6. Only because we don't teach people how to properly prepare.

If you get everything straight with yourselves in an emotional and psychological sense beforehand, even an experience as potentially foreign, unexpected and painful as a woman's first time watching Bill O'Reilly can be totally pain-free, even fun and enjoyable. The right preparation, and both people can easily say, "WHAT A GODDAMN, RACIST, MISOGYNIST, NEO-CON LOVING ASSHOLE," with confidence, security and even joy. Just understanding yourselves will make it all less threatening. Trust yourselves. You are right. Bill is wrong. The experience will bring you together in a new closeness like none you have ever known before.

[rug]

7. He probably should have started with Hannity first.

[BlueIris]

8. See, I think Hannity's actually the one too extreme for a "first timer."

I think Hannity's spin is actually more dishonest, inflammatory and hurtful than Bill's. But that could be me. These two had to follow their hearts.

[BuelahWitch]

9. Hannity as foreplay?

Bleah! :puke:

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

2. Locking

No loofah sex threads.

[underpants]

3. I hear that IV's of wine work too

:scared:

That's a lot for a person to take in all at once. Of course our prayers are with her

:bounce:

[hippywife]

4. Do be extra gentle with her.

I remember my first time vividly! Oh, I had read all over the ignorant things they were saying and advocating, I knew what they looked like but had never actually watched them until I saw the movie "Outfoxed." What a shock to the system!! Even tho I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, I wasn't expecting how very ugly it could be. I was physically ill.

Give her some time to recover and maybe a nice foot massage. :)

[bunkerbuster1]

5. Foot massage? now there's an idea.

I can promise that no falafels will be involved.