Stop making weird noises in the toilet stalls!

[geniph]

You're freaking me the fuck OUT!

Dammit, twice this morning, I've gone into the ladies' room to pee, and there's either someone in the next stall sighing and groaning (!), or this time, there was someone using some kind of motorized device (!!) in one of the stalls. I don't know if it was an automated breast pump or a vibrating butt-plug or what. I don't WANT to know! But if it's you, KNOCK IT OFF! I just want to pee in peace!

:mad:

:scared:

:wtf:

Oh, and if your cell phone rings while you're on the toilet, would you PLEASE just let it go to voice mail? There is nothing weirder than walking into the bathroom to hear someone chattering away in one of the stalls!

And don't talk to me while I'm using the toilet!

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Toilet Curmudgeons, Incorporated.

[realisticphish]

1. just retaliate

with a handheld tape recorder playing animal sounds

[geniph]

8. Hog grunts would work well

now to find a tape of hogs grunting...

[realisticphish]

11. ask matcom

more than likely, he could help you out :evilgrin:

[Bunny]

2. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Vibrating butt-plug!!! At work!!!

:spray: :rofl:

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

3. Seconded. Nominated.

:thumbsup:

[GOPisEvil]

4. Now THIS is a classic lounge thread!

:rofl:

[geniph]

12. Hi David!

Long time no flirt with! :D

[madinmaryland]

5. using some kind of motorized device (!!)

:wtf:

what was going on in that stall? that's just bazaar. i don't understand.

[geniph]

6. I strongly suspect it was a breast-pump

but usually the ladies using those sit on the couch in the women's lounge, not on the frigging TOILET. UGH. I mean, is she going to go feed something she expelled on the toilet to her baby now?

[madinmaryland]

15. My wife used one of those things for a while

BUT never in the bathroom. That's just disgusting.

But OTOH, there may be nowhere else to do.

:shrug:

[Gormy Cuss]

7. Clapping hands, snapping fingers, and obsessive throat clearing

At one place where I worked everyone knew when a certain someone was in the next stall because of these sound effects.

Another pet peeve: just because the one at home is your reading room don't assume it's OK to read the paper in the stall at work.

[LynneSin]

9. BUT I WAS HAVING A CODE BROWN IN MY PANTS

:shrug:

[geniph]

10. Jeebus, pull 'em down before you sit!

sit? I seem to be missing a letter there.

[nashbridges]

13. YOU Madam,

Have obviously never been in the men's room the Monday after Superbowl Sunday. Sighing and groaning? Amateurs!

I've heard ass-trumpets heralding the arrival of King Log the Brown in unison!

[nini]

14. I've complained about the cell phone thing here before

have a bit of class and do not conduct conversations while on the toilet or if others are.

I haven't heard the vibrating thing though... whoa

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

16. I HATE when people try to talk.

Seriously, just focus straight ahead silently and let everyone be on their way. We don't need discussion.

[geniph]

17. How to Make Men Uncomfortable At Urinals

"Hey, nice circumcision scar!"

"Is that a genital wart or a chancre?"

"I think you're dribbling on your pants"

"I think you're dribbling on MY pants"

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

18. "Hey! Same size!!"

"Say, that looks familiar... Have you ever been a Catholic Priest?"

[underpants]

19. How to POOP at work

Using the Bathroom at Work
Work Poop
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[swimboy]

20. Maybe you've given this just a little too much thought, eh?

:shrug:

I'm rethinking the whole clique thing.


:rofl:

[underpants]

21. Google it or just google "Uncle Ted bathroom work"

it is a pretty common email that goes around.

Read it

Live it.

[Pithlet]

22. Locking

No bodily function threads, please.