What's your favourite term for....ahem...you know.....masturbation (male)

[Pert_UK]

Following on from the great success of the "testicles" thread, I thought I'd launch this one.....

Aside for "wanking", which is a term all Americans should adopt, my favourite euphemism would have to be:

Taking Captain Picard to warp speed.

Strangling Kojak is also good, along with all other "make a bald man cry" related remarks.

Any more?

P.

[GOPisEvil]

1. Shining the rhino...OR...

...polishing the bishop.

[Pert_UK]

5. Hmmm.......I'd say "Bashing the Bishop", but maybe that's irrerevent

:-)

P.

[Systematic Chaos]

2. How about...

Boxing the clown

or

Shaking hands with Yul Brenenr?

[Pert_UK]

4. Follow up - Shaking hands with the unemployed!

:-)

P.

[oustemnow]

46. Oh, sweet Jesus, that's wonderful

It really makes you think, which is refreshing for a masturbatory euphemish.

[StaggerLee]

3. Shellackin' the Glacknoid

Not that I ever do such a thing mind you.

I got it from a short lived show on MTV back in the mid 90's- haven't heard anyone express it that way since. Is anyone else familiar with it?

[MnFats]

6. This is the SICKEST thread EVER on DU. But since you ask...

...there are the old standards:
spanking the monkey
flogging the dolphin
shining the helmet.


since you have opened the door to such depravity, someone should ask if there are female counterparts.....i have heard a few but, ... no, no, it's just too depraved. What would Mr. Ashcroft say?

[Pert_UK]

7. In the new world we will not spank the monkey, the monkeys will spank us

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back....marvellous.

P.

[KCDem]

60. fine tuning the radio is one

I'll try to think of some others. Men have a lot more terms. But, then, men seem to do it a lot more.

[Shakeydave]

8. The Five Knuckle Shuffle......................

and Boxing the Clown! Geezus, how funny is that!

[Ignoramus]

9. Wax on

Wax off

[Shakeydave]

10. You mean "Whacks Off", don't you?

:dunce:

[FlashHarry]

Firing the flesh musket! N/T

[bucknaked]

11. Taking 5 voters to the poll

:)

[KeepItReal]

43. Aw...that's poetic!

<EOM>

[Pert_UK]

12. Greeting Madam Palm and her 5 Lovely Daughters....Firing the lamb cannon

Etc. etc. etc.

P.

[Delarage]

13. Onanism

I say "I'm going to Onanate" today. Or "She was very onanistic as a young child."

[jesus]

57. When I was in college...

The "B" on the front of Bonanza quit working. Couldn't eat there after that.

Favorite...

Jesus on a Pogo Stick.

[Khephra]

14. Errrrrr....nevermind

That site I linked to was too disgusting for even me.

[jonnyblitz]

15. snappin the carrot...or..making mr happy spit...

:)

[Fixated]

....

Giving myself head. Or....oh, you mean the normal way....

[Pert_UK]

16. League of Gentlemen euphemism......

"Shaking hot white coconuts from the hairy tree..."

:evilgrin:

P.

[Pepperbelly]

17. pulling the pud, choking the gopher, stroking the gamoke ...

are among my favorites.

[kixot]

18. Slapping the salami

Slamming the Ham
Pumping the Petunias
Stroking Junk
Tossing off
Pounding one's Pud
Molesting Little Bob
One Hand Jam
Making Milkshake

[thermodynamic]

19. Making milkshake?!!

LOL, ROTFLMAO!!!!!

[Aristus]

72. Spanking your Franklin.

:D

[Howardx]

20. running off a batch by hand

n/t

[Braden]

21. Milking the Silo

[Tom Kitten]

22. how about

jerkin' the gherkin?:freak:

[mopaul]

23. only a total tosser would ask such a thing

i assume your talking about taking mr. wiggly for a jog

[foxy]

74. you llik me mopaul

[SweetZombieJesus]

24. I calls it "whatever I'm doing when I'm not sleeping eating or working"

Yep.

[dpbrown]

25. Are there pet names for masturbation (female)?

This thread made me wonder about that.

[Pert_UK]

28. Why not start a thread??? I'll try to find some suggestions...

P.

[salmonhorse]

52. "Let your fingers do the 'walking'"

Water Sports. I was married to a Scorpio for 25yrs I'm sure there're more though ~

:shrug:

[EOTE]

65. Jilling off?

For males, I've always liked

Taming the yogurt slinging cyclops.

[Pert_UK]

69. "Gusset typing" + "Paddling the Pink Canoe"...."Playing the gusset piano"

Those are the only extra ones that I've "come across", huh huh huh...

P.

[foxy]

75. Fiddling and diddling

is what my sister said I did

[foxy]

76. O yeah in answer to the original question we answer

"choking the chicken" from an independent

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

26. Beating the Bishop

[JVS]

27. Torque the dork

[Pert_UK]

29. Playing a be-bop solo on the spunk trumpet........

I think I've got to win with that one...

:evilgrin:

Milking the one-uddered cow?

P.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

30. ROFLMAO

I don't have a fav but you are cracking me up! :D

[Pert_UK]

31. Just doing my job, ma'am.....(tips hat, rides off into sunset)...

:hi:

P.

[Armstead]

32. Yank the Crank

Has a certain poetry to it

[Kat45]

36. That's one of my faves! I wrote a limerick for my friend Frank

when he got married. It started out:
There once was a young man named Frank
Who was constantly yanking his crank. :D

[mac56]

33. Shaking hands with Randy

Waxing the dolphin
Freeing Willy
Add: Taking little Elian back to Cuba

[Nlighten1]

34. Manual self stimulation

that is the military term for it

[44wax]

35. stacking the nuts abusing the simian rubbing the lizard polishing the rod

[Pert_UK]

37. Pull a pint on the piss pump - crack one off - have a hand shandy....

We can keep going all weekend with this if we try...

:-)

P.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

39. OK, I now think you have access to a masturbation nickname database

CHEATER!!!! :evilgrin:

[Pert_UK]

44. I am using one to check definitions, but I have to know the term first!

:-)

P.

[Tigermoose]

38. Waking the Dragon

props to Excalibur.

[PittPoliSci]

40. simply known as Crankin' one.

yeah.

[Exultant Democracy]

41. Killing Kittens

[oustemnow]

42. Winning the Pull-it-sir Prize

works for me.

[Pert_UK]

45. Genius! I love it!

:-)

P.

[Pert_UK]

47. Mickey's Monkey-Spunk Moped....a cartoon...an ADULT cartoon.

If you've got this far I'm assuming you won't be offended by this cartoon......if you are, my humble apologies, but you shouldn't have looked at it.

http://www.viz.co.uk/archive/monkeyspunk/monkeyspunk.html

DEAR GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?!

:evilgrin:

P.

P.S.
Please remember that this is English English, not US English!

[NashVegas]

48. If I were a guy

I'd use "warding off cancer."

[Throckmorton]

49. bonking the little firemans baloney,

and for the females there is "crushing the happy buzzer"

[expatriot]

50. how about "savin' the marriage" eom

=

[T_i_B]

51. Visiting Mrs Palm & her five daughters!

Hello Pert! :hi:

Best done in a

wanking chariot n. Single bed, particularly common in student bedsits.

http://www.viz.co.uk/profanisaurus/profanis.htm

[Squeech]

53. Remember the Foremen?

Political folksinger quartet that had two records out in the '90s. They did a song called "Firing the Surgeon General," advocating just that phrase as a euphemism, after Joycelyn Elders got sacked for suggesting masturbation as a safe-sex practice.

The song lyrics included several of the metaphors already noted above, plus a couple new ones, of which my favorite was "Pat the Robertson," heh heh.

And now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go defrag the hard drive.

[Bridget Burke]

54. While you're at it,

Don't forget to flush your buffers!

[underpants]

55. Shaking hands with the UNEMPLOYED

:bounce:

[peekaloo]

56. Making a batch of homemade

courtesy of a male friend of mine.

[TXlib]

58. Star Wars themed terms

Practicing the Meat Saber with Hand Solo
Practicing the old Jedi Hand Trick

[soupkitchen]

59. Priming the Pump

But I'd rather hump

[44wax]

61. tickling the puppy meeting melville taking willie for a test drive

peeling garlic snapping the celery shot peening the rod

[ronnykmarshall]

62. Knockin' one off!

[soupkitchen]

63. A friend of mine calls it "Voting Republican"

[thermodynamic]

70. That's a good way to make kids into republicans...

:evilgrin:

[Yavin4]

64. Fighting Prostate Cancer

!

[MountainLaurel]

66. For Harry Potter fans

"Polishing your broomstick." Yes, I read way too much fanfiction in my spare moments.

[Liberal_Andy]

67. Saluting the Surgeon General

Caught son doing it in tub, he said,...

"Well it's mine, I'll wash it as fast as I want!"

[Wonk]

68. Really long list here....

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/euphemisms.htm

[Aristus]

71. My wife and I both call it "practicing." It's a good euphemism.

If she's on her period, she'll say, "Are you going to practice today?" Makes it sound not quite so...um...self-servicing...if you know what I mean.

[Gopens]

73. My personal favorite ...

Bruising the fruit

[boilerbabe]

77. Snapping your carrot?

I have yet to find the source of all those terms for guy things, even though I have been working in a male-dominant industry since 1989..maybe it was me!!! (one day I found in my desk a 10 page list of strange sex practices...) haha always happy to help you boys define your habits...guess I don't know what girls say to this, since I don't hang out with them enough...by the way, do you know what a dirty Sanchez is? I forgot and threw away the printout...

[Lady Freedom]

78. Guys playing all alone...

I'd rather help than call it something. But "Taking Captain Picard to warp speed." is cute!

[SmileyBoy]

79. Milkin' the man-teat.

Sharpening the pencil
Mowing the lawn
Crowning King Richard
Burning the candle at one end

etc. etc. etc......