The Onion: "Study: Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack"

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack

October 19, 2005

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

"When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel," Murphy said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."

Government-conducted zombie-attack scenarios described on the State Department's website indicate that a successful, citywide zombie takeover would take 10 days, but according to ZPI statistician Dr. Milton Cornelius, the government's models fail to incorporate such factors as the zombies' rudimentary reasoning skills and basic tool use.

"Today's zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," Cornelius said. "In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."



Pittsburgh, a prime target of the undead.

[MN ChimpH8R]

1. What the hell is DHS doing to prepare for this?

My gawd, it's not just Pittsburgh that is at risk from this menace. This should definitly be at the top of Chertoff's in box. Wait, Chertoff IS a zombie. Never mind.:)

[Ravenseye]

13. Please, it's definately a local issue

Our recent Mayoral primary election centered on Zombie protection. O'Connor, who won, felt that the best defense was torches which the older folk went for. The younger voters favored Peduto's 'A Flamethrow for every Man and Woman' plan.

Ah well. Torches it is.

[ZombieNixon]

2. Eeeeeexcellent.

Our armiez are ready. Zoon iss vill be zeim zu leave ze zewers unt strike bakk at ze humans in ze overvorld. :evilgrin:

[Deep13]

3. Read this book. Your life may depend on it.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=bA0PQROCLY&isbn=1400049628&itm=1

[Rob H.]

4. LOL, I actually have that book

Should I be embarrassed to admit it? :P

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

5. Is the author talking about zombie attacks or Young Republican rallies?

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don't need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

:evilgrin:

[Chovexani]

7. Be careful

You might get sued by the Zombie Anti-Defamation League for comparing them to Republicans. ;)

[edbermac]

6. OH MY GOD !!!! THEY'RE HERE !!!!

[NNadir]

8. Tom Ridge was governor of PA. Why didn't he prepare these people?

Somehow I think the fact that Pittsburg is totally unprepared for Zombies has something to do with why he was picked.

Bush never liked someone who knows shit from shinola from Zombies.

[Ravenseye]

15. We were fine before Tom Ridge

Then he put in his 'Personal Responsibilty Against Zombies (PRAZ) plan' which basically amounted to an every man for himself against the zombies attitude.

Typical for a Republican from Erie.

[NNadir]

19. Not even color codes zombie flags?

[Ravenseye]

20. There was talk of a siren

That would make use of the volunteer fire department sirens and just broadcast a "MOOOOAAAAAAAAANNNNNN" type sound really loud, but nothing ever came of it. No colors though.

[distantearlywarning]

9. The author has clearly spent some time in Pittsburgh...

:rofl:

[Callalily]

10. I am in total fear

for my Pittsburgh friends! How could their city be left without emergency plans to counter-attach zombies. Here's a link so you know what to watch out for. Please head for your basements - quick!!!
http://www.fvza.org/zphoto.html

[ucmike]

11. I'm so sick of anti-zombie crap.

i'm tired of people trying to blame zombies for everything and using irrational fear as justification for discriminating and denying rights to the undead.

"zombies take american jobs"
"zombies are trying to destroy marriage"
"you're either with us, or you're with the zombies"
"zombies only want to eat brains" (stats show that public education ruins more brains than zombies ever could)
"zomby moaning leads to increased terror level"

what the hell is in pittsburgh that's so attractive to zombies anyway. more fear mongering aimed at former people who just want to amble around aimlessly trying to get some brains.

you don't have to embrace zombies -or even agree with them- but you do have to respect their rights.

[Ravenseye]

12. I'm here in Pittsburgh and that's just absurd

First of all there is no such thing as a Zombie. Second of all we're completely prepared for any contingency. There's just no chance that a...

Wait...What's at the window...

aAAAAAAAHHHRGGGGGHHHHH....

....

...

BRAINS!

BRAINS!

[Taxloss]

14. I, for one, welcome our new zombie overlords. n/t

[Politically_Wrong]

16. I'm boarding up the windows and doors right now!

[edbermac]

17. I'm more afraid of the zombies in the White House.

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

22. And the best part, folks...that's NOT Photoshopped!

:rofl:

[edbermac]

23. OMG!! I thought it was!

Eeeeek...:scared:

[spinbaby]

18. Pittsburgh has seen zombies

Besides Santorum, I mean.

About 15 years ago when we were shopping for a house, I toured a lovely--and isolated--country house near Pittsburgh. It had been lovingly restored to the smallest detail except, weirdly, it had an empty room where the kitchen should be and all the floors looked like they'd been trampled by an army with hobnail boots. It turned out that they had filmed one of the Night of the Living Dead movies in the house. I don't think I could have lived there.

[Ravenseye]

21. The father of my high school girlfriend was in one of them

Heck, pretty much everyone in Pittsburgh knows SOMEONE who was a zombie at one point or another.