Would you keep living w/someone under these circumstances?

[complain jane]

You meet someone. You hit it off. Some time goes by; they're getting over a 20 year relationship that just ended. But they want this new relationship to work. Of course, it's rough sometimes; a song plays that reminds them of the ex, friends inadvertently bring up the ex in conversation, ex has to call/stop over to pick up forgotten belongings and/or discuss financial ties with house/recreational vehicles etc.

Alright. Time passes. It fades. As it fades, you begin to learn that this new dating partner of yours has some family issues. Their father has early signs of dementia and is losing his eyesight and lives with your new dating partner's brother and his family, who by all appearances seem to have some sort of mental illness that's run amok. They have 12 dogs in the father's tiny house AND DO NOT TAKE THEM OUT FOR WALKS. There's dog feces on the floor, dog urine on the floor, unwashed people and unwashed teenage children who are being "home schooled" although there's not a book in the house. The father is rarely fed and never bathed.

Huh, you think. Well, look at this.

Time goes on, court appearances evolve, eviction notices for the brother and his disgusting family are served and ignored, finally sheriffs turn up at the door after nearly six months of this disgusting and mind-boggling drama.

You, in the meantime, have moved in with your new significant other, in their house. You've been dating about 2 years. For the first six months or so, the ex drama was center stage. Now the Father saga is center stage.

By this point, the father of your new significant other has been diagnosed with early Alzheimer's and has practically no eyesight and guess what-

he's coming to live with you!

New significant other flip-flops about whether the father's going into a home. Looks at places, complains about the price although the money is there in the sale of his house; but new significant other decides to take care of father as long as possible, at home, in the house you're living in.

Father CHAIN smokes "outside" (which means in the doorway), you don't smoke. Significant other tries to cut down on smoking; snap-snap-snap-snap-snap-pop-pop-pops Nicorette gum all day and night. Father has accidents from time to time and needs changing. Father constantly around, father present at every single meal and comes with you and your new significant other to every store and outing. Father no longer understands how to go about using the bathroom and therefore often has a foul odor because he does not use toilet paper nor does he wash his hands. Significant other does the best they can to keep up with his hygiene & sanitary care and a home health aid comes twice a week.

Father sits in front of the tv set all evening, every evening, watching Lawrence Welk reruns and nothing else. The TV has to be on what "he wants", your other half now says, or else he'll be bored.

Other half gets frustrated caring for father. You suggest a beautiful assisted living facility around the corner that has specialized Alzheimer's care. Significant other explodes and says that's "not what I want to hear".

Other half says they'll make the choice to move him when they're darn good and ready and if you don't like it you can leave.

You've been in this relationship for just 2 years. You barely were able to form a deep relationship in that time, especially because most of the time was consumed with drama between the ex and the father. And now you're in a situation where this person's incoherent father with less-than-desireable cleanliness and hygiene has been inserted in the middle of your home and relationship, out of your partner's choice. The money is there for a home but they do not feel ready to put him there.

Do you think that wanting to move out, get a place of my own, and still trying to be supportive of this Significant Other in her choice to keep her father in her own home makes me a bad person?

I feel like if I had my own place nearby, then when I see them it's by choice- not by being saddled with this without my consent, and without being able to even have a voice in the matter.

I understand that Significant Other's father's care is THEIR choice, not mine. I accept that. I'm just trying to sort through my own feelings of guilt for not wanting to live in the middle of this situation.

[Starlight]

1. No

I would have left a long time ago. :shrug:

[Neshanic]

8. Get your own place. Nothing to feel quilty about.

Keep the family at arms length. They have a trainload of little bags of crap that they want to pass around to each other, and include you in the fun.

Get out of the circle, have your SO come over to your place for visits and dates.

[SOteric]

2. Since you asked,

I think you and your SO are living together too soon. If you don't feel the relationship had the chance to develop during the drama of the ex, and it doesn't have the space to develop in your current circumstance, then probably neither of you is ready...yet.

And if you're feeling any resentment (and obviously you are) about the parental arrangement, then I'd say you should step back a bit and reposition yourself.

I realise I've only your perspective for this, but I think neither of you are really in a emotional position to be living with someone just now.

If it would ease the upset and preserve the relationship, maybe try getting an inexpensive space of your own and only spending a few days a week at your own place.

[Redstone]

3. Don't walk, RUN!!!!!!!

Run, and run now, and keep running until you can't run anymore. And never look back.

Redstone

[China_cat]

21. That's exactly the best advice.

[petronius]

4. No - and I wouldn't feel guilty for moving

I don't see any reasons to stay in your post, and no sign that your needs or concerns are of any importance to anyone but you...

[crispini]

5. Good heavens, no, you are not a bad person.

Move out. Pronto. Explain, kindly and carefully, that you need to have a clean, quiet, hygenic, home life, with a certain degree of control, i.e. being able to watch what you would like on TV every now and then.

I know that in my case, having my home be a (mostly) happy, quiet, well-organized, harmonious, clean place is VITAL to my mental health.

Life is about compromise, true, but it seems to me that you have already done an awful lot of compromising.

[AngryAmish]

6. It was my privilege to take care of an elder parent

My father needed a lot of care. Neither of my sisters could have dealt with him. I did. He was absolutely terrified of "being put away." So am I. His final years were a gift to me.

You are not family. You can walk away.

[Whoa_Nelly]

7. Have you asked yourself

What are YOU getting out of this relationship and all it's encumbrances? You must be getting something emotionally fulfilling (positive or negative) or you wouldn't be asking here about it and would have decided what your boundaries really are, if you have recognized that you have boundaries, in this not good scene your in.

Just my two cents....

[Floogeldy]

9. TLDR

But, if you had to ask, the answer is defnilly "No."

[LisaL]

10. I would run away as fast as I could.

[friesianrider]

11. No.

As if the rest wasn't bad enough, I could never date a smoker.

I would at least get my own place, and seriously re-evaluate my relationship with this person.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. get your own place...tell her you still want to date her

but cant deal with the living situation

[tjdee]

13. You'd better go, because you're not helping your SO at all.

Your attitude about the entire situation pretty much indicates that staying is a dumb idea.

Doesn't make you a bad person--I'm just not sure the relationship will survive it. By your own admission you have barely been able to have a deep relationship, and your SO is under a great amount of stress.

Good luck.

[mykpart]

14. First, move out, but don't break up.

Next, contact Adult Protective Services about SO's father. Maybe they can provide her with some other alternatives, also may alleviate her guilt and possibly provide financial assistance to father. Then be prepared to re-evaluate your relationship.

[enigmatic]

15. Nope

Way too much drama and high stress for you; I'll be honest, I would have left at the point I heard the constant talk about the ex.

I hope everything works out though; good luck.

[Kathryn STone]

16. I am female and here's what I think

you are what is called an enabler-people continue to do their bad things to you and around you and up to this point you say, that's ok by your actions if not your words.
Blood is thicker than water and it looks like this lady will side with her father before so why not again and again?
I hope you won't find this sounding mean spirited I just know some relationships are just "bad" and you have to make decisions-not to hurt yourself first.

[foreigncorrespondent]

17. We all have different circumstances...

...but if you truly love your partner, then no matter what, you are in it with them for the long haul. That includes all the bad family drama stuff and everything.

My situation is different to yours, but my partner and I live in two separate countries because my partner has an elderly relative she needs to be there (the U.S. I am in Australia) for. But is that enough reason for me to tell Sapph I am breaking up with her? Not at all.

When I entered this relationship with her, I knew there would be the immigration issue to deal with. At that stage I had no idea we would be living in two separate countries (so far it has been almost four years out of an almost six year relationship.) That came out later. But, I love the woman with all my heart and soul. I know that one day we will be together, but for now, we both have to settle for seeing each other every once in a while, and living with the heartache the rest of the time.

Yes there have been times, I have been really down and not able to cope. Including one time when I made a terrible mistake and told her I couldn't deal with it any longer. Thankfully Sapph understands all to well what I do go through, and forgave that mistake of mine.

When you enter a relationship, that relationship comes with all the other persons baggage from both previous relationships and family problems. Through all that we all must remember something, no matter what, we should never let an obnoxious/bad/medaling/etc family reflect how we both view and feel for our SO.

I am truly sorry for what you are going through, but if you truly love your partner, then I suggest sticking it out, because you could let the best thing that is ever going to happen to you, get away. Nothing is worth that mistake.

[Seabiscuit]

18. The 2nd paragraph alone is enough to make me head for the hills.

And you're scratching your head over it?

[sbj405]

19. I tend to look at how people treat other people as an indication

of how they will eventually treat me. As difficult as it may be, run.

I feel very sorry for the Father. He is not being properly cared for and it is a shame to hear of someone whose final years will be lived in such a manner.

[REP]

20. Move Out

You don't have to break off the relationship, but moving out would not be a bad idea. Taking care of anyone with Alzheimer's is incredibly stressful, and even moreso when that person is a parent. If you have your own place, you're also giving her a place where she can come on her own as well as preserving your own mental health.

There are many services available to those who care for those with Alzheimer's; she needs more help with her father than the twice-a-week visits he's getting. Take a look at http://www.alz.org/ to find a chapter in your area and contact them to find out what services are available - adult daycare, respite service, etc. Your SO may not want to admit it, but taking care of her father is taking an enormous toll on her (and it's no fault of hers - it's a terrible disease and part of its awfulness is how hard it is to care for a patient with Alzheimer's). At some point, her father will have to go into a home, and she'll need a good friend - like you - to help her with the emotional turmoil. Putting a parent in a home, no matter how apparent that that is the most loving and decent thing to do, many times feels like abandoning the parent when s/he is most helpless. Cut her a little slack when dealing with her reluctance to do this - this may be the right time, but it's still a hard, hard thing to do.

As for your relationship - you've both been through a lot, a horrible lot, and that you're still on speaking terms says good things about you both. By living apart for a while, you may take some stress of yourselves and the realtionship while allowing you two to enjoy the good things about it, without the ordinary day-to-day stresses of living with another human being + the stress of caring for a very sick, nearly blind man.

Things change. Two years isn't very long, and if she's worth waiting for, go ahead and wait; it won't be that long. Good luck and best wishes for what is undoubtedly a very trying time to you both.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

22. A few points

Whether you stay or leave..old, infirm people smell. Depending on the costs of that managed care facility and his general health i.e. heart, kidneys, liver, pulmonary..he might just outlive the value of his home in that facility.

Aging people want to be with their families and if he is getting home health care twice a week (which is all medicare will cover) then he really isn't living in squalor to be in her home.

The level of care and devotion she affords her father is indicative of the level of care and devotion she would give to you i.e. ensuring your comfort and care in a time of need.

Yes it interferes with all the "romance" but romance fades at times and the real world is quite intrusive.

The rest of the story about how her family was in the home etc, only tells me the lengths she will go (when bad things are happening to someone she loves) to correct them.

Do what you will if you don't have the stomach to stick around...but that is separate and apart from her choices to care for her father.

You might also ask yourself how supportive you can be of her. She's obviously under a great deal of stress in that situation.

We all need to think of ourselves...but there's a fine line between self preservation and selfishness.

[complain jane]

24. So with that last line,

I'm assuming you think I'm being selfish to want to have my own place and remain in the relationship while she cares for her father in her house?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

25. Not necessarily. I am asking you to look at if you are

If it's really your self preservation, then do it..if it's selfishness, then you aren't much of a contribution to her life in what has got to be a very trying time for her.

[complain jane]

27. Self preservation,

there's more to the story than what I've posted here.

For example.

When we were discussing my moving in, I said that there were three things that made me hesitant. One was that she smokes, and smokes right in the house and her father smokes. Then, there's the fact that her father is there at all. And third was the hesitancy I felt since I had lived alone for 4 years and liked it; a transition to moving into someone else's house with someone else's father on top of it was scary. That's what I listed as my concerns, nothing more.

She said that she would quit smoking if I moved in. I was skeptical as I've quit and I know it's hard. She's quit before and knows what's involved. But, this is what she put on the table. I asked if she was sure, she said yes. I brought it up a second time, a few weeks later. Are you sure? Yes, she said, she's sure. Now this was an offer she made- not something I requested.

I moved in. She didn't quit. When I asked her about it, she said she doesn't even remember saying that. Then when I refreshed her memory, she said, "Well how long ago was that? I hardly even remember that, and besides you had soooooooooooooo many excuses why you were sooooo afraaaaaaaid to move in here, who can keep up?" The conversation was only a few months prior.

After arguing about not only the smoking itself now but the way she dismissed the importance of what I was saying for another few months, she finally started smoking outside. Then came down with bronchitis and had no choice but to stop; said so at the time, said how she wanted a cigarette and was mad that she couldn't have one because she was sick. Yet now that a few weeks have gone by, she says she fulfilled her promise to me about quitting smoking, look what she's done for me.

That's an example of something outside of the scope of her father living there, but it is an example of what takes place.

On edit: If quitting smoking was too hard to do with the stress of her father, and she realized that, she should have told me, and allowed me to make my choices. And try to find a compromise. Offer to smoke outside, since I'm now moved in and you know I agreed to a smoke-free home. But don't invalidate what I say, or mock my needs. I have not done the same to her and would not.

[complain jane]

28. And,

Another example.

Last Thanksgiving we were going to have dinner with my family at my parents' house.

SO's father did not yet have a home health aid coming to the house; what this means is that he did not have a decent bath in approximately 3 years. SO would tell him it was 'bath time' and explain to him to take everything off and hand out his dirty clothes and then tell him to get into the tub where she had drawn a bath. But he kept coming out with dirty hair and he never seemed very clean. I told her that he needs more help that this with bathing, she responded, "Well I'M certainly not going to BATHE him." Fights with her about this were what finally prompted her to call for a home health aid.

Anyway, before the health aid was in the picture, last Thanksgiving, I asked SO if her father could please be bathed and have clean clothes to see my family for dinner. It's only fair to him, and to my family as well, that he not come to dinner with a bunch of new people unwashed, smelling, and with dirty greasy hair and dirty sneakers on. I put his sneakers and his coat in the wash and asked her to please make sure he's clean.

I take the sneakers out of the dryer and they're all spiffy and white, I show them to her father (who still had some peripheral vision) and he says "oh BOY!" about his newly clean sneakers. I show them to SO and she shrugs and says "So? They look like sneakers" and walks away.

About 2 hours before we're going to leave, I ask her about the bath, which she agreed to make sure he took. Now that we're down to the wire, she says, "Well, I don't know if I'll be able to get him to take a bath in the middle of the day. He'll probably just not want to do it so I figured we'd skip it."

I had to push the issue for it to happen. Otherwise, she would have been perfectly content to bring him, in a dirty coat, dirty sneakers, greasy hair and smelling, to my parents' house. Not to mention the fact that she knew it was important to me that he be clean on this specific day, and had agreed to it.

I had asked her DAYS prior to this to please make sure we can have him presentable. I don't want to embarrass him or myself or my family, let alone her as his caregiver. Not to mention the obvious fact that the man deserves to be cared for properly and washed. I draw the line at bathing my SO's father because SO doesn't feel like it.

My family is very welcoming and always welcomes him to their house. They have presents for him at Christmas and they ask about him all the time.

[complain jane]

23. Thank you very much for the responses,

and I'm realizing that half the problem is the lack of respect for my feelings.

Significant other said on Saturday that I should either get my own place and we continue our relationship or I should get "on board" with her at home and help her with him.

I can't get on board and help her with him in a situation where I live there. I'm not ready for that. I resent the both of them and that's not fair to me, it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to her, to continue like that.

So last night when I said that I thought the best thing was for me to get my own place she said that would be the end of our relationship if I moved out. She said that it's no relationship that way and that seeing me only a few times a week was ridiculous and that it would not work. I said that it would not work if she decides it won't work- and that we can try to make it work and that I was willing. She said it's not going to work. I asked her why she came up with this solution the other day if it's such a bad idea, and she said she doesn't know, she "must have been being sarcastic".

She's made some sacrifices to try to please me; when we initially were discussing my moving in, one of my concerns was that she smoked right in the house and I hate smoke. She said she'd quit if I moved in. I didn't bring that up, she did. She said she would quit. I asked her if she was sure; she said yes. A week or so later I asked a second time to make sure. I asked if you really meant it- yes, I really meant it.

I moved in. She didn't quit. I asked why. She said she doesn't even remember saying it and even if she did, it was such a long time ago (a matter of months)... and besides I had SO many reasons to be hesitant about moving into her house (her father, her smoking, giving up the independence of living along for 4 years), who can remember who said what when?

I was furious, we had fights about it, finally she vaguely remembered saying it and then started smoking outside at least. Since then she got bronchitis and quit altogether- for a few weeks now, because the bronchitis made it painful to smoke. Yet she now throws this new "quitting" in my face as something she's done for me.

The sacrifice I mentioned in this particular story was deciding to smoke outside after me bitching about it.

[MissMillie]

26. Probably not

I don't think you should feel guilty. You were living w/ your SO and she made a choice without your input. She apparently forgot that it was your home too... or she doesn't care.

That would send up all kinds of warning signs for me.

[Blue Diadem]

29. Why feel guilty?

It sounds like it was too soon after her 20 yr relationship and too quick for her to adjust to quiting smoking to make the relationship work. I'm sure it's not been easy for her to have the family situation and then move her father in to care for him.

You certainly don't sound happy so why stick around? The longer you stay the more resentment will build. That's not good for you or the relationship.

[pitohui]

30. i would move on

i've had family members who took almost 2 decades to die of dementia

you didn't sign on for this

you're not even married to this person, why should you have to tolerate living like this & it will go on for yrs?

i don't know yr age but you yourself may be middle-aged or old before this situation resolves

i'd say get out while the gettin is good, yes, i would move out but i would also not string the person along by being "supportive," make it a clean break