Help. Distressing voicemail from my ex-wife

[no name no slogan]

She has been living in our house by herself for the past two months while we get divorced. I left her a voicemail yesterday telling her I was going to drop by tomorrow to get my mail and some more stuff from the house.

I got a voicemail from her today saying that, as of tomorrow, she will no longer be living there. She's taking all the stuff she wants and leaving the rest there-- along with our two cats.

Seriously I'm at a loss. Will she be taking care of the cats? I can't take them until at least August 1, when I move into my new place. Except for one brief conversation, we haven't even discussed who's taking what from the house. Sure, most of the stuff was mine and almost all of it's second-hand, but I don't know if I'm ready to deal with this yet.

Damn, I don't know what to do. I just feel so.... :shrug:

I hope my kitties are taken care of for the next couple weeks. ;(

[supernova]

1. Well, if she's not there

you could go by and feed them and play with them every day until you are able to take them home.

Maybe she can't afford it? :shrug:

[no name no slogan]

5. I'm paying most of the bills for the house

even though I'm not living there.

I have a very hard time going to the house. I had a nervous breakdown two months ago which was caused partially by my marriage ending. I can't be in the house for more than an hour without breaking down. It's still pretty new to me. :(

[SOteric]

38. Look into hiring a service to care for the cats.

Seriously. It's not ethical, responsible or caring of you to just hope for the best for the little dudes. They can't take care of themselves.

[meegbear]

2. You don't have access to your house?

Where are you living now?

[no name no slogan]

8. She's in the house, but I still have keys

I'm living in three places right now: with my mother 100 miles away, at a friend's house for a couple days a week, and in my car. All my stuff is in the house, and it's still my legal residence.

I haven't seen my ex- in two months, although our marriage is still "legal". I just wasn't expecting this to happen right now, so it's a bit of a shocker.

[SCDem]

3. Wow

I hope everything turns out ok. Maybe you can enlist a friend our yours who is also a friend to felines to help with your kitties until you are able to care for them. :shrug:

[no name no slogan]

12. Thanks. Hopefully she left the keys with the neighbors

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't just leave them-- that would be cruel and inhumane. I can't really go to the house every day, but I am hopeful she still can until I get moved into my new place in a couple weeks.

[LisaL]

18. She left you a message. Does she consider them to be your cats?

She probably just expects you to take care of them.

[no name no slogan]

32. He whole plan originally was to abandon me

She dropped the "I want a divorce" bombshell on me at our first joint counselling session. I think she intended to move out that day and leave me to clean up the mess (our house is a wreck-- see the other posts in this thread for details). Unfortunately for her, I was committed to the psych ward for a week to get straightened out, and then released to my mother's care after that. I'm sure that messed up her little plan substantially.

Currently, I'm living 100 miles away in another town and am only in the office three days a week. Also, I work on the other side of town from the house and can only get over there maybe 1x a week max. She knows my schedule and knows that I can't be over there to see them every day.

I guess I need to call around and see if the cats will be taken care of. She really p!sses me off x(

[commander bunnypants]

4. good luck

have faith

CB

[tjdee]

6. Since she won't be there, why don't you have access to the house?

I don't know how these things work, but it seems if she's not going to be living there, you should be able to come and go as you please especially if there are pets involved.

[napi21]

7. FIRST!!! Do you have an attorney???????

If you don't, GET ONE! Now, if she is not staying there anymore, why can't you move back there? Then YOU could take care of the cats.

My son just went through a similar situation. He did get an attorney, after my insistance. The worked out a deal where each party made a list of what they each wanted from the house, and the rest of their possessions, and worked the lists until they were acceptable to each one.

You need the legal guidance of a prefessional on this, and as long as you don't turn the whole thing over to him/her, it's not too expensive.

[all.of.me]

9. i agree!

he needs better communication than what there is, even if it has to come from a third party.

it IS hard! most of us have gone through it, but you have to do it! you have to talk to this woman! (i am posting to two people here! ack!)

[no name no slogan]

10. Seeing one tomorrow

She already served me the summons, so I need a lawyer of my own.

I can't be in the house for more than an hour at a time-- the house was the leading cause of our breakup, and it's very difficult emotionally to spend any time there-- living there is completely out of the question.

I haven't spent a night there since May 11-- the day before I was hospitalized for depression. I can't even bear going into the neighborhood, it hurts so much. Jeez, now I'm crying again :cry:

[spinbaby]

11. The house helped cause the breakup?

How was that? Was it a house you hated but she loved?

[no name no slogan]

17. Our house has been in disrepair for 7+ years

The house is like a giant albatross. We would start remodelling, then something would happen (job loss, medical bill, etc) and we would have to stop because we ran out of money.

Right now, you can only live in 1/2 of it. We don't even have a working shower-- just a rubber hose connected to the tub faucet. We just had over $30k worth of work done last year, and it needs at least another $80k to be fully livable.

I have never been very handy, but I've still tried to do what I could to fix it up, with varying degrees of success. The stress of this ongoing construction project caused a lot of grief to both of us, and was a huge factor in our breakup and my nervous breakdown.

I will be happy if I never own another house again.

[spinbaby]

20. Ah, I understand

A fixer upper can kill you.

[napi21]

15. Call your Dr. and ask him for some meds.

My son did that at the behest of his Pastor. The Dr gave him something similar to Prozak. He took it for about a year, and it helped a lot. He wasn't sleeping at all, didn't want to eat, the whole nine yards of depression!

He stopped taking the meds about 4 months ago.

Believe it or not, this will al work out. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will! It's going to take time!

Bob's (my son) divorce was over much faster that I thought was possible, and the attorney's will make that happen if you both tell them that's what you want.

I don't believe in meds very much, but in cases like this, they can be a life saver. Please call your Dr.

[no name no slogan]

22. I'm already heavily medicated

and have been for ten years. Currently it's Cymbalta (like Effexor or Wellbutrin), lithium, and Ambien and Trazodone to sleep. I'm also on a testosterone replacement therapy, and will probably have to go on blood pressure meds to offset the side effects of the psych meds.

I'm just really anxious about this whole thing and angry with the control she can still exert over me. It's just very very hard to break that hold, especially when she was emotionally abusive and domineering.

[napi21]

26. Someone can only control you if YOU LET THEM!

Remember that! I'd still call your Dr. perhaps the meds should be adjusted. Maybe, some could even be eliminated. I don't know that, but your Dr. should. If you are still haveing sever problems, and it's been 10 years, you might cosider a different Dr!

That sounds loke a very long time to me!!!!

[no name no slogan]

33. My depression is partially physio-chemical in nature

I've been depressed since puberty and have been medicated since my 20s and probably will be for the rest of my life. The latest episode in May was my first major one in about five years, but I've had a number of them before-- I've attempted suicide more times than I care to remember :(.

I've been to numerous doctors until one finally diagnosed that my pituitary gland didn't work properly. I'm on testosterone replacement for that as well as the anti-depression meds. Depression and addiction run in both sides of my family so it wasn't unusual for me to get hit with it too. I'm also in intensive outpatient therapy 2-3x/week, too, so I get plenty of that as well.

Exactly two months ago today I was discharged from the hospital, and things have been going pretty well overall. It's just that I was not prepared for this little announcemet from the ex-, and I'm worried about the critters getting the care they need.

[LisaL]

13. I wouldn't just hope the kitties will be o'key.

She says she is leaving the cats so sounds like she won't be taking care of them. Sounds like you will have to take care of them or find someone who can take them in until August 1 st.

[LaurenG]

14. Move in there for 2 months

if you're already committed to paying for it anyway. Move home.

[Radio_Lady]

23. The cats can be put in a boarding facility for a few weeks, perhaps

even nearer to you than the home. Make a few telephone calls to see what's available and explain the circumstances.

If the house is a problem, DON'T go back there for any length of time. I know that feeling. It's old baggage and you don't need it. The house I owned with my second husband -- I left the keys to it (in Florida) with my mother and moved to Massachusetts. I never went back there again.

I've had periodic spells of clinical depression since I was a teenager. Mostly there are good days.

Also been divorced twice and now remarried to "current" (His term!) husband for 32 years!

Sorry for your pain. Let us know that you're doing better -- really soon!

[LaurenG]

16. As a post script will it help if I tell you I don't like her

Dumbass person leaving defenseless kitties in a house alone. Get her for child abuse.

[havocmom]

19. Call your local shelters and let them know you need someone to foster

your cats until you get settled. There are many animal rescue groups who might lens assistance. Your local humane shelter can probably give you info for groups in your area. Also, if there is a Petsmart, they might have info for you about groups to contact. DO IT NOW. It is summer and they need water and care. You need to make sure they are not sweltering, closed up in a hot house without water and food. Plus, they are probably pretty upset and confused.

Focus on getting someone to go with you to get them and care for them. Caring about them will help you get to feeling better.

Try and visit them when they are in foster care. It will reassure them.

Get moving on this problem NOW! It will help you and the cats. Let us know how it's going. Lots of people here care and might offer tips.

Good luck. And be sure, there is life and happiness after divorce. Been there, done that, and yes, my cats were a real lifesaver for me during that time.

hm

[barb162]

21. can you take the cats over to your mother's?

[bettyellen]

24. can you sublet the house to someone who'll care for the kitties?

if the house caused the breakup, it's understandable that she also doesn't want to be there. any chance you guys can give it another try without the house? move on, so to speak?

[redqueen]

25. One of my exes pulled that shit.

God but people can be fucking irritating sometimes.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

27. I disagree with some of the posters

If this house is a trigger stay away from it. The last thing you need right now is something to trigger you.

See if you can arrange a person to feed and tend the kittens. Talk to your attorney, get all of the legal stuff tended to as soon as you can.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. :hug:

[LaurenG]

29. I agree with you I didn't read the part about bad vibes till just now

[caty]

28. The cats are helpless animals and

you have to put them first for now. Would your mother take them for a couple of weeks? Even if you had to separate them, do you have any friends who would take one or both until you move into you new place? If not, then you have to be strong and go to the house at least every other day and care for them. You will find that the more you go to the house, the better you will feel about it--especially when it is to take care or your pets. As my son always says, "sometimes you just have to say f*ck it, and do what's right.:hug:

[friesianrider]

45. Good advice.

It sucks, but if I were you I'd try a boarding facility until you can get into your new place - just make sure it is reputable, or try your Mom's place, too.

Your ex isn;t showing much respect for your fur babies, so they should be of primary concern right now. I wish you all the best, and good luck...you sound like a good "Dad" to your kitties and they're lucky to have such a good person like you to care for them :)

[Trigger Hippie]

30. I hope everything turns out OK.

Your ex wife sounds not nice.

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

34. aw thanks sweetie

I needed that in a big way! :pals:

[mzteris]

31. How about a pet sitter?

A professional or someone in the neighborhood - who can just check in on them every day.

Cats are pretty self-reliant - as long as they have food, water and a relatively clean litter box - they'll do okay.

Sounds like you're better off without *her*.

[Karmageddon]

35. You should be able to find a pet sitter easily enough

Check at your vet (they are familiar with your animals, at least a little bit) or at the local animal rescue clinic. The rescue place might be best, because those people LOVE animals and will be more than happy to stop by, feed them, play with them, and make sure they are okay, for a relatively small donation. Offer like $25/week to have them go over every other day or something - or just talk to them and see what works. My wife volunteers for a Humane Society group and they've seen situations like this before and are happy to help out, especially if they know it's temporary and you'll be taking them to a good home in a couple months.

And like msteris said, make sure they have plenty of food, water, and litter and they're good for days at a time.

Take care of yourself. Good luck.

[no name no slogan]

36. Update

I'm feeling much better. I just went for a long walk and got my mind off of things.

I haven't talked to her yet, but I seriously doubt she'd do anything to hurt the cats. She loves them as much as I do and she knows that I would be torn apart if anything happened to them. I will call her tonight and make sure they'll be taken care of until August 1, when I can move them into my new place.

In a way, it's good that she's taking her things and leaving. That will make it that much easier to divide up the assets, sell the house, and move on.

Right now the house and stuff are the biggest burdens in my life. Once this gets resolved I can get on with my life and make a fresh start.

Thank you everyone for the great suggestions and the kindness you've shown me. And thanks from Edgar and Leo too!

[Sugar Smack]

37. You know, I think it's really evil of her to not have given you

more info about your babies. These are living, loving creatures and it sounds like her indifference to their fate is almost meant as a punishment to you. There are people I've known who are capable of such things. This thread has really gotten to me but I couldn't respond because I was at work and my posting hour evaporated.

I'm glad you gave us the update. Hey, also I have a little more free time these days so feel free to talk if you'd like.

[friesianrider]

46. GORGEOUS kitties!

You're lucky to have them, and they're obviously very lucky to have you so concerned about them - many kitties aren't so lucky.

Seriously though, my animals and especially my kitties have gotten me through some very tough times in my life. It's so hard to be sad when looking at such adorable purring machines who just want to "be" with you.

Good luck...just take good care of those kitties *and* yourself, ok? PM me if you ever need to talk! :)

[Trigger Hippie]

39. I want to give you another one of these:

:hug:

[yellowdogintexas]

40. anybody know what has happened since this was originally posted?

I am worried about no name no slogan AND the poor kitties

[no name no slogan]

44. hey

I'm okay. I had my first appt with the lawyer today and I'm really sad and depressed tonight, but I'll manage. I had a really long day and didn't go to my house after all. I haven't spoken to the ex-, but I'm calling the neighbors tomorrow to go and check on the cats.

I don't think she'd be stupid/cruel enough to abandon them without any kind of care. If she did she knows I'd be furious.

Thanks for your conern-- I really appreciate it!!! :hi:

[Lisa]

48. hope you have a nicer day tomorrow

Good luck, and just think how happy the cats will be to see you, once you're set up for them in your new place!

[no name no slogan]

49. thanks

I'll see how I feel. I may not go to work, depending on how much sleep I get tonight. I was away at 3:30 AM this morning because of the stress. So we'll see...

:hi:

[yellowdogintexas]

50. I am glad to hear this. I 'm such a softie for kitties so I worried

about them, but you are really dealing with some tough stuff right now.
One day at a time, one step at a time, it will get done.

and hopefully she left the kitties with a clean box, plenty of dry food so it won't spoil and lots of good clean water, and the AC is on even if it is on low. As long as the house doesn't get too hot and they have water they will not suffer although they will be mighty hungry.

Hope you can get in there soon and get them OUT

[Misunderestimator]

41. I haven't read anything but your OP, but you should get those cats, now!

[Lisa]

42. hope you can find someone who can look after the kitties

Either by checking up on them at the house, or by hosting them for you. I agree with the previous posters about it being important to get started on this ASAP. Especially in the summer, an empty water bowl and no food (or spoiled food, if they're eating canned) can be big trouble! I don't think it's the kind of situation where you can assume anything -- about them being okay for a few days, or about her maybe having made arrangements.

I understand about your being reluctant to set foot in the place again (there's a house in Berkeley which I probably won't ever venture within a mile of!). But surely you have a trusted friend or family member within driving distance. Or a professional pet service, as suggested earlier.

The cats are counting on you, and if it means financial cost, effort, calling in favors, or even going against your own wishes -- they have dibs.

[Lorien]

43. Call your local no kill rescue

go to www.petfinder.com to find one. I'm a foster "mom" for cats/ kittens, and I know that there are many more like me out there who would gladly help you out for a few weeks. It certainly doesn't hurt to ask!

[CanuckAmok]

47. My experience...

If you have a restraint of assets-type order which prevents either of you from disposing of assets until a settlement/judgement is reached, either of you can take whatever you want, but you can't dispose of it.

But... as far as physical possessions go, once it's no longer in your possession, it'll be very hard to get it back... most judges don't want to spend time deciding who gets the sofa and who gets Aunt Gladys' antique silver fish fork.

Have a neighbour get the cats, of call the SPCA and explain what the situation is; they might be willing to pick-up the cats on your behalf, and foster/kennel them for you for a while.

[caty]

51. Regarding being depressed during a divorce:

In the seventies I got divorced from a man who abused me. This was before no fault divorces and I had to go to court and prove my case with witnesses and doctors' reports, etc. The grounds for the divorce were physical and mental abuse. After the case had been heard, the judge thought that I had been through so much that he changed the grounds to "extreme" physical and mental abuse. The good news is that I only stayed with this guy for four months before I escaped.
The reason I'm telling you this is--I hated him. I was terrified of him. For many years I was so afraid I might run into him somewhere and just freeze with fear. With all that, I was so depressed about the divorce. My marriage died and I had to grieve for it. You will too. And then you will get over it and go on, just as I have. Married to someone wonderful and I have a great son. Take care of yourself for the great life you have coming in the future.