THE GEORGE CARLIN THREAD

[newyawker99]

I know that we have many George Carlin fans here at DU. I thought I would start a thread in his honor. Please post your favorite Carlin quotes here. :D

I will start it off.

1. "People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

2. "Have you noticed fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on? When you turn on a fluorescent light it flickers and is sort of unsure of itself. Then after several seconds it seems to gain confidence and light up at full strength. What's that all about? Can't these lamps receive some sort of counseling?"

3. "I recent bought a book of free verse....for 12 dollars."

4. "If police never find it, is it still a clue?"

5. "Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere."

6. "When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie, I always wondered who got his horse."

7. "John Barrow, a Vermont man, is suing his minister for religious malpractice. He claims the minister wrongfully included him in a prayer being said to shrink the size of another man's brain tumor. Although the cancer patient has completely recovered, Barrow says his own head is the size of a walnut."

8. "I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea."

9. "I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king's not doing a good job, we kill him."

10. "In the expression 'topsy-turvy', what exactly is meant by turvy?"

[Exultant Democracy]

1. Great thread

1.Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

2.The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

3.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

4.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

5.Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

[Ivory_Tower]

2. Probably not what you're looking for, but...

I saw Carlin on The Tonight Show once (I think Johnny was still the host) and he was doing his usual routine about things that annoy you, like getting the shopping cart with one wheel that spins around, or getting a seed stuck in your teeth, and then he said: "And how about when an axe hits you right in the middle of the face? And you can feel all the air rushing into your head?" There was absolute silence from the audience, and Carlin said "Hmmm, I guess some of these aren't as universal as I thought."

I loved it.

[Itascapark]

3. "Golf courses for the homeless..."

"They tell you to get on the plane...I say `Fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane...let Evil-Knival get on the plane."

"And who made this man a captain..."

[PunkinPi]

4. Here's some more...

"There ought to be at least one round state>"

Some book titles:

"How to Make a Brassiere out of Two Small Hats"

"How to Make Two Small Hats out of a Brassiere"

"How to Act Laid-Back During a Grease Fire"

"How to Get Through College Without Books"

"How to Make a Small Salad out of Your Work Pants"

"How to Lease Out the Space Inside Your Nose"

"How to Filet a Panda"

"How to Spot Truly Vicious People in Church"

"How to Make an Oil Lamp out of Your Genitals"


These are just a few. Thanks newyawker99 for starting the thread.

- all from "Braindroppings"

[Catshrink]

5. George Carlin audio link

Try this.... it was posted in another thread and I stole it!

http://animetryx.com/helpdesk/George_Carlin-Usage_of_the_Word_Fuck.mp3

[greyl]

21. That's real funny,

is Carlinesque, but it isn't George Carlin and he didn't write it.

[Prodemsouth]

6. In his honor.

Please tell me he hasn't passed away. Did I miis this in the news today.

[democrat in Tallahassee]

7. Is Carlin ok? is there a reason for honoring him?

*

[PunkinPi]

9. He's fine as far as I know

and we are honoring him because he is funny. :)

[newyawker99]

10. He is fine. I just wanted to start a thread in his honor!

:D

[HEyHEY]

8. religion

"I am so sick of these fuuuckking... church... people!"

[newyawker99]

11. Some great stuff!!

:thumbsup:

[newyawker99]

12. kick

[alaine]

14. This one is severly politically incorrect, but I'll post it:

"Ever notice that women who are against abortion are the ones you wouldn't want to f@ck anyway?"

[peekaloo]

13. fascism in America

"When fascism comes to this country, it won't be wearing jackboots; It'll be wearing sneakers with lights in them, and it'll have a smiley face and a Michael Jordan T-Shirt."

[soleft]

15. People who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want

to fuck in the first place.

I just saw him say this 10 minutes ago on HBO. Actually it was a concert from 1988 and he ripped into the Reagon administration.

[newyawker99]

16. Hi soleft!!

:hi:

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

17. I don't listen to him any more

I think something happened to him-- his old stuff was hilarious and true to life. But he's become mean and bitter-- his routine these days reminds me more of Dennis Miller than George as he started out. There's a lot of anger (and more than a little arrogance) in his newer material. A pity.

[zauberflote]

18. More

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

[newyawker99]

19. LOL!! Thanks zauberflote!!

:-)

[greyl]

20. What, no link to his site? Here it is

turn on the speakers
http://www.georgecarlin.com

[newyawker99]

23. Thanks for the link greyl!!

:D

[RandomKoolzip]

22. From "Toledo Window Box:"

"Hand Me that Piano!"

"Please saw my legs off!"

"Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone!"


I'm enjoying some Toledo window box right now.... ppphhhbbthwttttt!!!! (exhale)