Rant: I've been listening to my Mom's caregiver bitch for an hour now.....

[bettyellen]

mostly about how little my brothers do or say to help with my Mom's care. How they act like they are listening but just blow everything off. It's interesting that her take is to blame their wife and girlfriend, because they were this long before those women. Everything was dumped on me to deal with for waaay too long, and they resented hearing any bad news at all when my mom has endless medical problems. When I finally refused to handle everything and take unlimited days off to deal with Mom stuff, when I said I expected them to pitch in and stop attacking the messenger, they more or less diasappeared and the family imploded. Avoidance works well for them, I guess.
I haven't actually talked to either of them, if you could call it talking, since before Xmas. It's a sister's job to keep these family connections going as far as they are concerned, and i just can't. To be perfectly honest, I don't even feel like being reminded they exist at this point. The basement is completely filled with mold covered junk my brother left there and refuses to deal with, and now all the electrical is out. The rat problem was never totally dealt with because they can't get past all the mold covered crap to deal with it, and most of the mold covered crap is 1/2 opened engaement gifts from 12 years ago. Last time I cleaned down there I was screamed at for thrwing away a closet full of clothes that were 30 years old and four sizes too small. I also disposed of maggot covered rat carcasses they "didn't notice". The laundry can't be done and the pissed on sheets are piling up. I told her to call the laundry and have them picked up for now.
But she does an amazing job with my Mom, and my Aunt is always on her ass with complaints-- like she's stealing water-- and i think someone in the family has to let her vent. So I guess it's me again. I'm just not in the mood today. She is an amazing woman, smartest hire i ever made, but boy she goes on and on....

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. Urge her to let it out on the siblings

[bettyellen]

6. the thing is, she knows well that they don't listen.

as do i. when i told my brother i was laid of he gave his stock answer "good, good!".
they both live much closer than me, have more vacation and personal days... and both pretend they intend to do what is needed.

[blue neen]

2. I know how you feel.

I went to Florida to visit my mom in May, only to discover that she probably has Parkinson's Disease. My brother LIVES there, and he did NOTHING about this. He didn't even call me to tell me the symptoms she was having. She falls all the time, and he can't bother to call me?

My mom and step-father have 10 children between the two of them. Why didn't anyone let me know? If they didn't want to deal with it, they could have at least informed me.

I'm flying back down in July to go to the neurologist with her and take care of other business for her. I don't mind; I just feel bad that this went on for awhile without my knowledge.

bettyellen, it really sucks to feel like you're the only one responsible for your mom's care. It's good that you have a great caregiver for her. I'm sure that she's very frustrated by your brothers' irresponsibility. Life just goes on for them.

[bettyellen]

4. i have two words for you "geriatric psychiatrist"

without him, i could have never got through this. if his memory or emotions are affected, they can be an enourmous help.
you have my deepest sympathies. my father died from parkinsons, and it was rough going. but he had a very rare and quick acting type that was also like alzheimers. and it was not handled very well. i was much younger.
i did everything i could for my Mom, and still do, i just don't discuss it with my brothers anymore. it ain't worth the grief. they do truly prefer to ignore it.

[diddlysquat]

3. Why don't you just clean out the basement

and dump all their stuff.

You are giving those brothers way too much power over the situation.
And send them the bill.

[bettyellen]

5. i have, but i refuse to do every single fucking thing.

but thanks for asking me to.
it's my brother's stuff he threatened to kill me if i touched it after throwing away clothes of his from grade school years. he is 46 and about 200 lbs, but angry i would dare to do that, even though i told him i had too. what did he then do? fill a room with cra he didn't want. and a few years later, the room flooded. twice.
estimated clean up is 600-800$ + dumpster rental. which they refuse to spend and that's with tossing out any family stuff we want which is deeply buried in his crap.
i have already taken off (and not with pay either) dozens of days over a thee year period.
i can't go down there mself without a mask, because i'm allergic to mold. my brothers refuse to do it. one of them lives there. right now i'm just trying to get the lights back on.
and you know what they don't have any power over me, but they do have it over my mom's quality of life. and i can't and won't change that because it is their mom, our house. they had power over me back in the day when i used to clean up their messes, but they'd be idiots to expect it anymore.

[Squeech]

7. In that case

take a sample of the moldiest, most rancid stuff and dump it in his bed.

If possible, some evening he's hoping to bring a date home.

A dead rat isn't the best tool of persuasion, but it's so hard to get good horse's heads these days.

[DS1]

8. Empty the catbox

}(

[bettyellen]

10. on his fucking head.

yeah, maybe when we're celebrating xmas in august i'll bring some vermin and feces.
festive! where do i buy dirty rats?

[bettyellen]

9. i'm not sure he'd notice.

seriously in denial. i'm done banging my head against the wall. i put in those sonar things in my mom's apartment so they stay out.soon after my brother put them on his floor, too. but they pretty much don't hear me unless i go ballistic. i have already tried that and it didn't work.
if i had 800$ to toss away, i'd pay for the cleanup. but seriously i am not going to clean up one more thing for those assholes merely becasue i am a woman. fuck that. did it for way too many years.

[progmom]

11. i had no idea it was this bad.

What were we saying last night about raining and pouring?

I'm telling you - I'm buying a lottery ticket - it's got to get better!!

[bettyellen]

22. oh yeah, as far as i'm concerned, i'm an orphan.

it kinda blew me away when my brother lied to enid and pretended he actually ever calls me. that freaked me out.
and he's the "nice" brother.

[progmom]

23. your brothers are real assholes

:(

Wanna be my sister? Rev Acts is too. :D I could have a big sis and a little sis.

[bettyellen]

27. yes siree. it took a while for me to give up on them.

but anyone who shuts off and doesn't hear you until you're totally stark raving ballistic is not worth it.
i'm not kidding about dumping the gifts at the house. i don't feel like celebrating with them, not in the least. it's just so phony.

[progmom]

37. why even bother buying the gifts?

seriously. you already told me the kids are totally ungrateful. :shrug:

[bettyellen]

40. they wre bought for xmas 2004....

i just haven't seen them since. and yeah, i'm triming the budget. that little fucker stole $20 last time i was there too. and complained about a gift right to my face. my SIL's jaw dropped when i told the brat he hurt my feelings and appeared greedy since he only talks about what things i can buy for him.
but they are all about the stuff, it's always been a huge pressure to give those brats every little thing they want. this is why i don't see them, they spend their whole lives shopping for crap and watching tv. it's kinda sad.
i'm considering being sort of honest and saying i want to ot out because i know i'll dissapoint the kids again-- better i don't show up if they are just bummed out by my gifts.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

12. It's good that you let her vent. I've been through similar things with my

family.

Is the electrical out or is it the breaker? At any rate, where the mess in the basement and other issues are concerned, if you have power of attorney, then write them a letter giving them the date by which they must straighten up and clean their things or they will be thrown out.

Deal with as much as you can by sending them a note

[bettyellen]

15. it's wiring.....

and we share power of attorney. and my brothers are at odds. the only thing they have in common at all is the ability to blow off unpleasant stuff.
i have an aunt that injects herself into it, and campaigns against anything i try to do and it majorly complicated getting her good care.
she has divided and conquered us. it is a full time job just keeping her away from the doctors, lawyers and caregivers becasue she hates them all.
yeah, i went to writing, begging, begging the wife and girlfriend (since they are both sort of p-whipped) and they ignore it. at this point, i'm writing them off. i haven't heard from either of them since they needed something. but i just don't have 1,000 to throw away on this. i don't have 4 or 5 extra weekend to wallow in their moldy shit.
i guess i'm lucky that at this point my mom doesn't even notice if i'm in the room any more, she's totally non-reactive. so i see her much less these days. honestly, if i could get her and enid out of the house for two hours, i'd burn it down. i'm not kidding.

[redqueen]

13. Wow that's so awful.

I'm glad your family can afford the caregiver... can you even imagine going through this without her? Is she an RN or ...?

You've obviously borne too much of this burden for far too long... it seems they're used to you doing whatever gruntwork needs doing so they take you for granted. Have you considered billing them? Whatever you do, assign a cost to it... according to how much you're paid by your employer or the going rate for those services. (I'd go with your rate, since that's what *your* time is worth.) At the end of the month, send the statement to them and say that if they don't take up at least their share of these duties, they'll receive an invoice instead of a statement next month.

Just a thought off the top of my head...

Be proud you're there for your mom... you won't suffer the guilt they will when she's not around anymore to be thought of as a burden.

[bettyellen]

19. and they did the same thing with my dad, but they said it was only

because they were sooo much closer to mom, and i was dad's favorite.
i did the best for her when it mattered most. it's easier these days because she gets all care in house, she cannot travel.
i think they just are wrapped up in guilt over the laziness and avoidance.
when i feel guilty i take steps to correct it and do the right thing. them? not so much...

[redqueen]

30. I feel pity for them, then.

That guilt will hit them eventually, and the longer it takes, the harder it will be.

Kudos to you for picking up the slack, bettyellen. :pals:

[bettyellen]

32. it's all about the guilt.

my brother actually accused me of exagerating my mom's medical condition just to make him feel bad. she was in ICU and possibly facing surgery the next morning for internal bleeding at the time. i called to ask him what we should do, becasue the doc said it would kill her or leave her on machines forever. wow, he's lucky she stopped bleeding so he could accuse me of being a hysteric who made the whole thing up.

[redqueen]

41. Um...

mind if I call him an asshole? I hate to step on toes when it comes to criticizing other people's family members, but damn!

If that's not okay, then I'll just say he was sure acting like an asshole... I shudder to think of what vitriol he might consider spewing if the surgery hadn't gone so well.

[sniffa]

14. i'm here for you to vent

:hug: :hug: :hug:

you continue to amaze me.
:loveya:

[bettyellen]

17. thank you sweetie. it means a lot.

i just reached the point of feeling a little freer about it, because Mom has no clue anymore.
it doesn't matter how much i am there. but it got to me because i used to be very close to them years back, and it is so far gone now.
enid was actually asking my brother how i was and what i was up to, and he sort of pretended he knew. and she knew it. she's funny like that, she sort of called him on his bullshit.
:loveya:

[merh]

16. ((((HUG))))))

Thought you could use a :hug: or two :hug: :hug:.

[bettyellen]

20. thank you.

you are great at the hugs. i'll take all three.

[merh]

24. Have some more!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

One night on some religious program I heard a rabbi discussing why it is that there are member of our family that we don't necessarily like. The interviewer asked the rabbi why that was, why would God do that and are we wrong not to like everyone in our family.

The rabbi said that the family is just a smaller example of the family of man. We may not necessarily like certain members of our family, but we love them because they are members of our family. He said it was his opinion that God allows this to happen in our immediate family's so that we have an easier time in the real world and in living the message. We are to love one another because we are all members of God's family. We don't necessarily like each other, but liking someone (as in a sibling) and loving them and respecting them as a member of our family (God's family) is how we are supposed to try to live our life.

The rabbi has a point.

So sorry you have to go through such emotional turbulence. :pals:
:hug: :hug: :hug:

[bettyellen]

31. it's a wonderful story merh, thank you.

and it's an odd thing. i still know that my brothers love me. but it doesn't seem to matter at all anymore. i hope i can forgive them someday, but i'm pretty far way from that happening. i know i can't rely on them, and my mom can't either. so i'm not sure if i can respect that. i am not that forgiving i guess. i have a great deal more love for certain friends than i do for them. it's just how it is now.

[merh]

34. I am one of 9

The 7th that had to tell my oldest brother that he better come home to see mom if wanted to see her alive. He accused me of killing her with my negative opinions.

I'm one of the babies, yet had to handle my father's estate and take their accusations and tirades because it took so long to close the estate and I must be misspending the money. :-(

I know exactly what you mean. Time will heal the wounds, you will still love them, but it will be next to impossible to forget the disappointment and the hurt. Losing respect for a family member is a very tough thing.

Sending out happy thoughts and all good things for you! :hug:




Just hang around DU and feel the love! :loveya:

[bettyellen]

36. damn, isn't it weird you'd think they'd share the burden....

instead of adding to it. i'm so sorry about what you went through, merh.
i'm the baby of six. we lost three siblings when we were kids, and used to be very tight because of that.
i miss that alot, we used to be good friends and supportive, and boy is that ever shot to shit.

[merh]

38. thanks.

I was an adult when I was a kid, most of them came to me for support & advice & to handle the tough stuff. Well, I gave up raising my siblings several years ago and haven't looked back. :hi:

I know it is cliche' to say it is a part of life, but it really is. :hug: Come rant any time you need. :pals: We will listen and care. :hug:

[bettyellen]

39. thanks, it helps a great deal to vent.

:pals:

[The empressof all]

18. Oh I've been there .......

If your mom's heath is compromised in anyway by the mold and dirt you could call Adult Protective Services. They can get a court order for the clean up to happen. In addition it's anonymous and your brothers will never know you called. You also need to connect with Mom's state's Adult Services and see if she's eligible for some case management. They can help with some oversight and relieve you of feeling totally responsible.

I can tell you horror stories about caring for aging relatives. But there are things available that can make it easier.

[bettyellen]

21. oh the medical stuff and case management is all well taken care of.

i have the best team in ny, truly. i made some amazing connections years back and she still benefits from that.
and the rat problem is better, but who knows what is going on down there.
basically i've kept it managable enough that enid can do her daily laundry. i spray all the mold when i visit, and it doesn't seep upstairs. and she will eventually get my brother to get an electician in there. she scares them more than i do, becasue i told them last year if she quits, it's their turn to change mom;s diapers. i will not do that another weekend. it'll be their turn.

[GOPisEvil]

25. You get

one of these :hug: for having to deal with all of that. And another one :hug: just 'cause.

[bettyellen]

28. thank you dear...

i know it's awful, but i wish i could trade at least one of them for you. :hug:
my mom deserves better. i'm so glad she's too spacey to see how bad things are between us. it would brake her heart if she knew.

[GOPisEvil]

33. If (when) I have to go through this, I have to go it alone.

I've always dreaded it as an only child, but sounds like there is an upside of not having idiotic siblings involved.

[bettyellen]

35. honestly, it would have been easier without them.

there are a lot of things i couldn't do because my brothers are never on the same page.
but there was no way my aunt would have allowed them to give me power of attorney. but i had no idea at the time though that things would be this bad. i really thought we'd be able to talk about things and resolve them. nothing gets resolved when two out of three siblings keep their heads up their asses.

[Bunny]

26. This may be drastic, but can you work with your local health

department re: the rat problem? Perhaps, since you share POA with your brother(s), the health department could send all of you registered letters telling you that the basement must be cleared of debris or they will take further action? This will force your brothers to accept that the crap has to go and the house has to be restored to working order.

That is not to say that they will actually help get rid of stuff, but would that give you some "official" authority to get rid of it on your own? I know you don't want to do this alone, and you're angry because you have to, but there may just not be any other option. Illness brings out the worst in family members, doesn't it?

I'm sorry you're going through this. :hug:

[bettyellen]

29. illness does bring out the worst in families....

she also has at home care that is excellent and would be at risk if we highlighted any problems. i've had to pull a lot of strings to keep that going as it is. they would love to force her into a nursing home. i do not want to screw up and let that happen. and they don't look in the basement, and our caregiver is a lot more accepting of it than i am.

[oldcoot]

42. Your aunt sounds like a trouble maker

She and your brothers might try to create additional problems for you in the future so you may want to take some steps to protect yourself. You might want to document everything and keep receipts for everything you buy for your mother. If you can afford it, you might want to speak to an attorney about your options. I am very sorry you are having to deal with this mess and that they are not more supportive.

[bettyellen]

44. she has been the bane of my existance for years...

and thank god i was smart enough to get great doctors and lawyers from the get go, and actually that's what pissed off my aunt so much. hiring good doctors who wouldn't let her decide to change mom's meds on a whim every few weeks. it's been really pleasant not talking to her for the last three years, but she does manage to rear her ugly head every once in a while:


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=2626290


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=2653775

[Wapsie B]

43. Caring for a parent can be an agonizing experience.

My Mom was in that same situation with her Dad. Grandpa lived with us for a short time before he died. But it was hell on my Mom to deal with him like that, physically and emotionally. So I know what you're going through. You're a tower of strength to keep going through all that with your Mother and deal with irresponsible siblings to boot.