I start therapy next week for my relationship. (venting)

[Worst Username Ever]

So I have been dating my fiancee on-and-off for 6 years. We have broken up 3 times during that period because I find myself unhappy in the relationship and finding a need to become fulfilled elsewhere, whether it be though friends or other life experiences or because I feel the need to see other people. As soon as the new relationship ends or when I become lonely she and I end up talking again and hanging out again and inevitable end up together again. That is followed by a period of bliss, followed by comfort, followed by me becoming claustrophobic and unhappy again, and the cycle continues.

So this past week I finally we had a long chat about how I was not sure about the engagement (we became engaged last November). Obviously she is not happy about this. I went to Chicago to hang out with one of my closest friends this weekend and talked about what the hell my deal is. I'm not even sure, but something seems to be preventing me from having a successful relationship with this person, as well as others.

Tuesday night she and I had another long talk, about 3 hours, where I cried and realized that the issue seems to lie with me and my inability to follow through with this. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER, she is a wonderful woman who does everything to try and make me happy. She even makes my lunch every day for work (I have never met anyone else who does things like this for me).

Had a cry-fest with my mother last night and she told me, as only mothers can, that I really need to talk to someone and get this figured out. I just don't know what my problem is, or if out of desperation or whatever I keep going back to the same person. I WANT her to be the one, I really do, but I just can't seem to do it.

So, my first appointment with the therapist is next Thursday and I am going to UNLOAD. I am really looking forward to it but am very scared about what these sessions are going to show me about myself, or worse, what they will tell me about this person who I keep coming back to.

Your positive thoughts are appreciate, thank you. Just needed to vent.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. In the hands of a good competent therapist, you should be able to

identify issues and incidents in your life that resulted in those issues. Best wishes.

[Worst Username Ever]

2. Thank you very much NSMA

I am sure my parent's marital situations have had an effect, I am hoping to isolate/conquer whatever it is that blocks me. Thank you!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

4. I firmly believe we choose the partners we do to work out our

issues with our parents. Recognizing that the issue lies over there with you is well over half the battle.

[Elidor]

32. Dang, NSMA, that's a pretty harsh view of love

I'll agree that many people do that inadvertently, but all of us? That's a scary thought. Worthy of a poll, even. Oh, and :hi:

[Worst Username Ever]

36. Hardhead, I want to see that poll.

:-) plz provide the link, I'll vote.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

51. Not really. Our parents are significant relationships from which

many major incidents in our lives stem. It stands to reason those incidents lead to decisions, so even in AVOIDING choosing a mate that mimics the behavior of one's parents, the ISSUE within that avoidance is present.

:hi: ( I didn't mean it as a negative thing and I don't think it is a negative thing)

[Elidor]

55. You make entirely too much sense

Food for thought.

[Eurobabe]

33. yeah its amazing, sometimes I think I married

my mother! LOL.

[SarahB]

52. It's amazing too how when...

we identify aspects of relationships with our parents and perhaps "why", we can completely change our view on relationships and what we want.

Until I really began to saw my mom's criticism as HER problem, not mine, I accepted unkind treatment within my marriage. Once I faced that truth about her, it just couldn't work anymore because the dynamic was entirely different. I'm now forcing myself to steer away from my other (less-than beneficial) comfort zone- the kind, but largely emotionally unavailable intellectuals like my father.

Sometimes I envy the not-so self aware people. They just obliviously go through life without that level of conscious thought about this stuff, but hopefully those of us who are ultimately end up with things that are more meaningful on a long-term level.

[Red State Prisoner]

3. Dude

It sounds like a fear of commitment to me. Please don't take that as an insult though. I think it's a common problem among both men and women.

Do you think it's the idea of never being with anyone else the rest of your life?

If I'm way off...sorry. I think therapy is good though. Definitely helped me.

[Worst Username Ever]

8. Possibly.

I have thought of that, and that is definetely something that is hard for me to deal with. More like being with the same person forever when I have doubts that they are the RIGHT person. One of the many things I hope I can explore with the therapist.

[Red State Prisoner]

12. You never really know

I'll tell that I love my wife dearly, but the day of my wedding it was all I could do to fight the compulsion to run out of the church, down the street, and out of the country. I can't imagine having felt that way now or even remembering why.

Have you ever read High Fidelity by Nick Hornsby? Better yet have you ever seen the movie? There's a part where he realizes that he's been chasing a fantasy that never quite pays off once reality sets in.

My guess is that if you can't stand the idea of losing her, something must be right.

[Maestro]

5. After we were already married, my wife and I did some

counseling. It was a hard time for both of us at the time, but we survived. I didn't particularly think the counseling helped me much, but it helped her immensely so with at least one of us improving, it brought the other along. You're taking the right step. You'll be okay and the relationship will probably be stronger for it.

BTW, my wife and I were engaged three times before marrying. She broke it off twice. After the second, I told her that I am not asking anymore and that if she wanted to get married she would have to ask me. 6 months later she surprised me in front of 45,000 people at a Texas Rangers baseball game. We are on the big Diamandtron screen and she proposed to me. Needless to say, I said yes or risk 45,000 angry fans getting after me.

Edit: Freaking grammar errors. Argh!

[Worst Username Ever]

7. That is a great story!

To be honest, I just want it either sealed forever or done for good, I am very frustrated. Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one...

[MichiganVote]

6. The answers lie in your fear of knowing yourself beyond your misdeeds

[Worst Username Ever]

9. My misdeeds are many n/t

[MichiganVote]

10. Welcome to your place among humanity

Identifying one's misdeeds is the easy part. Determining what you can and will change is also the easy part. Changing, well, we all fight that. If you click with this therapist, hang tight. If not, move on until you find the right fit.

[mainegreen]

11. I understand

I'm engaged and those plagueing thoughts about her being the right one, do I really love her, will I be happy etc etc drove me nuts.

In the end for me it just took some introspection to realize what my issues were. I think a big part of it is that no one is really perfect. People can't read your mind and so can't fulfill whatever role(s) you expect them to fulfill all of the time. Marriage represents in a way a commitment to compromise, and I dont know about you, but up until now I've really never compromised on anything.

Basically, I had to sit down and decide, overall, which way was I going to be happiest. Neither situation (married or not) is perfect because you give up something both ways. You're choosing to throw one possible life away in favor of another. Not low stress stuff!

I think you need to do what you need most, regardless of what anyone elses needs are.

Choose wisely and good luck.

I feel for you.

:stress:

[Worst Username Ever]

13. Working to make the right choice.

I appreciate your thoughts. Right now I am so frustrated that I am alost willing to just call the whole thing off so I can start my life over again. But that doesn't seem right either. Hoping the therapist can give me a little help with this one.

[Left Is Write]

14. I don't have any advice for you; I'll leave that for the therapist.

I just hope you get whatever answers you're looking for that will lead you to a happy and fulfilling life. You deserve to be happy.

[Worst Username Ever]

15. Thank you darling

I hope that is in the cards for me, too :)

[BikeWriter]

16. A very good move! I hope they can help you understand...

the reason for your reticence. :-)

[Worst Username Ever]

17. Thanks BW

Always great to hear from you. I have high hopes for this experience but am trying to keep them in check :hi:

[BikeWriter]

24. My best wishes, Pard. I know you're loving and intelligent...

enough to do this right.

[skygazer]

18. Congratulations

You are a person who has the good sense to realize there's a problem and take steps to address it. That takes guts. Too many people ignore those inner warnings and plow ahead with marriage or committed relationships that end up disastrous as a result.

Good luck with the counseling - when entered into with a real desire to find and address a problem, it can be extremely helpful. :hi:

[Worst Username Ever]

20. Thanks skygazer

My other idea was to just forget the whole thing and cuddle up with a bottle of jack daniels, but I figured this was the healthier option ;-)

[radwriter0555]

19. So just marry her already. Just get on a plane, hit vegas and get

hitched.

You're over-processing the whole thing. Stop thinking about it, and get on with it already. You already know what your "issues" are; do you REALLY need to dwell on them OVER and OVER and OVER again?

Geez. Enough with the drama already.

When you're with the therapist figure out why you're so into all this drama. The problem isn't the relationship or the lovely woman with whom you're in love or even your belief in some alleged flaws about yourself; it's your creating drama OVER the relationship...

It will be fine. You'll be fine. Get married and have some kids, you'll have a BLAST!

[Worst Username Ever]

21. Well christ, I wish it was that easy.

The thing is, I HATE drama, and the fact that I am the one who is causing it drives me crazy. I am a relatively subdued fellow, although I will admit that I do tend to overprocess things. But that in itself is a problem that maybe I need to address. All these concerns won't go away just by getting married. I appreciate your input ;-)

[radwriter0555]

28. It IS that easy. Knock it off! Stop over-processing it.!Replace the rat

wheel worry drama thoughts with productive thoughts about OTHER PLEASURE GIVING THINGS and just get on with living your life.

You're caught in a HABIT of worrying. Worries aren't real. They're imaginary and they're self inflicted.

The technique is called 'reframing'. We replace the bad worry thoughts with specific thoughts that instead bring us PLEASURE and JOY. YOU make the CHOICE to replace BAD thoughts with GOOD thoughts.

Sit and create for yourself the most wonderful thoughts you can, say for example your dream world; your loving wife at your side, holding a lovely new little healthy baby.... and EVERY TIME you begin the nasty negative worry thoughts, STOP YOURSELF and replace THAT THOUGHT with the specific pleasurable imagery. What you're doing is breaking the HABIT of bad negative thoughts.

They're called ANTS. Antagonistic Negative Thoughts. YOU have the total and complete power to stop them and replace them with good, healthy, positive thoughts. You'll break the habit..

IT IS THAT EASY.

Good luck!

[Worst Username Ever]

34. "It's that easy."

Call my a cynic. BTW I love that theory and I think I'll bring it up with Ms. Therapist, that sounds like a worthy tool, however, at what point are you replacing negative thoughts with positives, and at which point are you fooling yourself? I can replace positive thoughts about my horrid job with positive ones all I want, but I instead decided to abandon that in favor of going back to school next fall. Professional life and love life are not worthy comparisons, but I still feel that changes are sometimes worth exploring. God, this is all so complicated and stupid. Just want to be happy. Hello, therapy.

[Worst Username Ever]

22. Thanks DU

Your thoughts and comments are always appreciated....

[Redstone]

23. Since you asked for an opinion:

You seem to be taking the first step by acknowledging that YOU are the one with the problem.

I'm going to be honest with you, even if nobody else will: You will be doing yourself and your fiancee a great disservice, and wasting your money, if you go into therapy and have the wrong attitude. You need to be honest and admit that you are the one with the problem, not your fiancee (based on what you said in your thread).

Do not, repeat NOT, try to make any excuses or try to find a way that it's HER fault (as you seem to be alluding to by saying you don't want to find out "what they will tell me about this person who I keep coming back to").

It's not her.

It's you. That's what you've told us, and it would be horribly unfair to her for you to try to shift the blame.

However. You've taken the first, essential step, which is to admit that you have a problem. I think it's one of those AA concepts that you cannot solve a problem until you admit you have one.

Good luck with your therapy. Be honest. You owe it to that patient, long-suffering saint of a girl. And yourself.

Because if you don't, and I see a message like this again six months from now, I'm going to kick your butt for not listening to me. You did, after all, ask for advice.

Redstone

[Worst Username Ever]

26. Point of fact, I did not ask for advice,

however I appreciate your point of view, thank you :hi:

[Redstone]

29. Ya welcome. Good luck to you.

Redstone

[Worst Username Ever]

35. Thank you Redstone

I always enjoy reading your thoughts on DU and this is no different. :hi:

[amazona]

54. IS he the one with the problem?

This lady is making lunch "everyday" for a man she isn't married to. We're too quick to assume the blame is all on one side. Frankly, I'm getting a little intuitive hint that the lady is a bit too desperate or smothering.

The therapist may help him discover that his instinct to avoid marriage with this person is exactly the right thing to do.

We just don't know.

This woman could have major, major issues we don't know about.

Instinct and intuition are not always a disease.

[Ladyhawk]

25. Relationships are f-ing complicated.

I wish you the very best. Hopefully, you can identify the problem and deal with it.

:)

[Worst Username Ever]

31. Thank you for your thoughts ladyhawk

Things are anything but easy...

[Heidi]

27. Sending you good vibes . . .

From reading your posts here, I think you're a good person, and I know the prospect of laying everything out in the open for a therapist (or anyone else) is scary. But irrational fear is one of the single greatest limiters of human potential, and once you get past the fear you'll be well on your way to healing.

Take good care of you, WUE.

[Worst Username Ever]

30. Excellent post and perspective, thank you heidi!

[Obamarama]

37. Well, buddy, I think you are on the right track.....

It sounds like you need to talk to a professional to help you sort out your feelings & emotions. Kudos to you for having the common sense to understand that seeking counseling does not equate emasculation.

It also sounds like there's something about this woman, and something about your relationship with her that keeps you coming back and making a connection, even after a bunch of ups and downs. I think the fact that you are seeking help indicates that you really value this relationship.

Just for the record, I've been with my partner for almost 16 years now. We'd be married if the law would let us, but at any rate before we really formalized things and committed to a permanent relationship, our "serious dating" phase lasted about 2 years.

We had some ups and downs thanks to my own fear of commitment issues. My partner is a wonderful person...one of those people that everyone likes. At the time we were establishing our relationship he was more established in his career, had more financial assets, was more secure in the world than was I. I was in grad school, on a meager grad school budget, and was just getting ready to throw myself into my career.

When I found it difficult to commit, I thought part of it was the "is this the right person" question. What I realized (with the help of a good therapist I was already seeing to sort out some issues unrelated to my relationship) was that I actually feared that I might not be the right person for my partner. What that basically meant is that when I took stock of my self-esteem, it wasn't quite where it was supposed to be.

I'm not suggesting that's your case as well, but rather am just saying you should be ready to do some introspection and be prepared to learn some things about yourself in this process that might come as a surprise (what? ME have low self-steem!?)

You're doing the right thing. You will either stay in the relationship, or you will not. I think that the counseling will allow you to make the right choice for both yourself and for your girlfriend so you can both move on in a positive direction, no matter the outcome. And that takes a hell of a lot more guts and courage than to do what A LOT of guys would do, which is walk away from the situation and never really understand why or how things devolved.

Best of luck...you'll get through this.

[Worst Username Ever]

38. Best fucking post yet

Thank you KZ, your honesty is wonderful. Good luck to you and your partner (your right to be married WILL be established during my life time), I am very worried about the unpleasant truths I will find out about myself during this process, but also, strangely excited. If they tell me I am sick or have problems, that means I can be fixed, right? I hope so. Thank you again for your positive thoughts...

[Obamarama]

39. I don't think the truths will be so unpleasant.....

I mean c'mon, unless your Ted Bundy II, I don't think you're going to find out anything sinister or evil about yourself! :-)

Learning about yourself is NEVER a bad thing. Therapy/counseling is not this big, bad, horrible process. Painful as it may seem at times, it's really all about healing, dealing and moving on.

I really suspect you're going to do okay!

[roguevalley]

40. talk is always good, honey. lay it out. then live.

[Worst Username Ever]

43. Thx rogue n/t

[Floogeldy]

41. You really don't want to marry her.

Just tell her you made a mistake, and move on.

Better now than later.

[Worst Username Ever]

42. Succinct

I am going to tell the therapist that that is exactly how I feel, PLEASE PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG. I almost feel like my life needs a reset button. Just start over. But if the issue lies with me (which I expect to be the case), then I am going to do the work. Thank you for your thoughts.....

[obxhead]

44. no pro here by any long shot.

"As soon as the new relationship ends or when I become lonely she and I end up talking again and hanging out again and inevitable end up together again. That is followed by a period of bliss"

Sounds like rebound to me.

"went to Chicago to hang out with one of my closest friends this weekend and talked about what the hell my deal is"

So what is your deal? Why do you leave town when your TRUE closest friend (or should be) is your gal?

Again - no pro just landed here and trying to help, as you asked.

[Worst Username Ever]

47. That is what I am thinking.

I am either leaving her or getting back to her for the wrong reasons, hoping to find out which. Thank you for your thoughts obx.

[Lilyhoney]

45. Codependent No More

Is a great book you will most likely find more helpful in the first chapter than a month of visits with a shrink. People become addicted to other people all the time. From what you have described, your problem seems very clear to me. Sorry if this is'nt sympathetic enough of a response. Good luck with your healing. Even if I am wrong.

[Worst Username Ever]

46. Thank you

I am hoping that his confusion ends either way, and I think that book sounds worth looking into.

[noiretextatique]

48. fear seems to be the key

the limbo is serving you both in some way...the back and forth...and you both need to figure out what fears keep you in that place of being stuck and not moving forward with your relationship. the problem is not all yours because she keeps engaging with you, knowing that you two have a back and forth pattern.
it's good that you both are willing to figure it out.
good luck.

[Worst Username Ever]

49. Thank for yoru thoughts

I too amhoping that we both figure it out. I know fear is probably an issue for both up us...

[Nikia]

50. I don't think that some people are really right for "relationships"

You might be one of those people. She might be one of those people. Unfortunately, I am married and might be one of those people. Through counseling, you or she or both might be able to become able to have a "relationship", but you should not marry if you are not.
What I mean is this. People in serious romantic relationships or even close friendships both need to have and respect borders. You should each have a strong sense of self. What the other does or thinks does not change who you are. It is alright and important to consider your partners point of view or compromise on things. It is not alright to feel that you have to do things that you do not want to do because that is what your partner wants or not share large parts of your life with your partner because he or she will disapprove. It is not alright to be mean or withdrawal from your partner because he or she disagrees with you either. To have a good relationship, you must both respect each others feelings as well as your own. Some people have a hard time either respecting others opinions or standing firm in their own opinions when challeneged. If one of both of you has problems with either of these aspects, you should work through them before marrying.
Socially, we all seem to be encouraged to find a partner to share our lives with. The current ideals of marriage are only suitable for the people with the best border sense and compatibility. I think that many people today are raised with poor border sense. I guess the solution is to work on developing good border sense and not marry or seriously date until we have developed that. Another alternative (or perhaps in conjunction with border sense) would be to have a less encompassing marriage: Agree to develop separate interests, friends, and other activities that would be just as important as the marriage. What I mean by that is not that you would have affairs or spend a lot of money on other people, but agree that some of your needs are better fullfilled by other activites and people and that it is best if you both have those things in your life and that they are important. For example, if you both got two weeks vacation, you could agree to vacation one week together and the other week separately, doing what you want to do. Apply this to other things too: Time together, time doing your own thing.

[amazona]

53. trying to send good thoughts, hardly know what to say though

To me it would be a red flag that if I needed to pay a stranger to encourage me to commit or whatever to someone I'd known for 6 years...maybe something inside is telling me that I haven't yet found the right person. Someone who does "everything" to try and make you happy...maybe you feel a bit smothered. I might. She might be wonderful for someone else if you just followed your gut instinct.

I just don't know.

Here's hoping it all works out for the best.

[all.of.me]

56. good move going to counseling

when we straighten things out within ourselves, everything else falls into place. once you confront yourself, you will change, and the possibility is there that this woman will no longer suit your needs. so enjoy it for what it is in the moment, go to counseling, and live fearlessly. i am so glad to see a man willing to go to counseling. good for you!