Romantic love and it's inherent problem

[Nikia]

I had a discussion with a friend who is in love. I thought about it and realized what the problem with romantic love is and why there are so many problems with marriages and long term relationships. Romantic love is inherently selfish. We often "fall in love" before we really know or can truly care about a person. Relationships begin based on how someone makes us feel and what they can give us. We often choose someone based on what they can give us, not what we can give them. Sex or other physical contact often follows and not only do we get emotional gratification but physical gratification. Such relationships are usually exclusive, which often leads to jealousy. When we marry or partner, our lives become even more linked. Although this often takes a lot of sharing and unselfishness, I think that it often magnifies our selfishness. We often become dependent on each other more, relying on one another to fullfill certain needs. Then when these needs are not fullfilled, we become angry often regardless of why the other person cannot fullfill them (illness, job loss, busyness, ect.).
So what are we to do? How should one avoid this selfishness when approaching relationships? What should we do when we are in a relationship, especially a more permanent one like marriage and realize that we are both rather selfish and have been all along?
Am I completely wrong about this?

[neuvocat]

1. Not at all.

Only in the last 30 years has this concept even come up. Marriage has generally been an arrangement between two people for the sake of combining resources. Although there must be some sort of chemistry between the two, those feelings you've described don't develop until later.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

2. Here's how we do it -

First, understand that "romantic love," as experienced by your friend is simply Nature's way of making sure the species gets propagated. It's about reproduction, regardless of what else we might believe. Our brains manufacture hormones that put us in the state of bliss, the state that makes us want to bang our brains out, and, while we're all it, repopulated the earth.

A longer, more lasting relationship - something for which humans really were never meant to endure - is guaranteed by both parties being willing to apologize over and over, sincere or not.

Then, you let it all go, and you better mean that part of it.

Never underestimate selfishness. It keeps a nice, healthy distance between people and gives them lots of room to be happy together and apart.

[Shoeempress]

3. But you are using the word love interchangeably with true love.

Love is really lust, and while that is imperative in true love, it does not replace it. Lust fades, true love endures. True love is caring more about another than for oneself. It must be completely reciprocated by that person or it is futile. But the real conundrum is that you cannot make another person happy, you can only make yourself happy. So you have to find someone who wants you to be the best you that you can be, while he/she is being the best he/she that they can be and vice versa. And being able to go through life with a person who shares your joy and or sorrows as their own is amazing. Plus you gotta be able to have fun together.

[Nikia]

4. Well isn't that all confusing

That the relationships that we expect true love from include a lust which can easily be confused with true love, especially in our culture? Do you think that we form exclusive relationships too quickly then, before we can really know whether we have true love and whether or not that person has it for us?
Can true love exist in non lust relationships? Is it actually more appropriate that way?

[Shoeempress]

5. Never had true love in a non sexual relationship. I also don't know that

time is the question. I do have a true love and we have been together 24 years, married almost 22. Knew it was true love less that a month after we started dating, and surprisingly I was right. I imagine true love can exist outside of a sexual relationship, but it's way more fun in one that is sexual, because we each want the other to "happy" which make sex lots more fun for both people involved. I know I'm being incredibly vague and I'm not trying to be, but with my hubby I just knew, and I still remember the exact moment I knew. And from that point forward, I knew we would be together forever.