A note to an old friend.

[Madrone]

No particular reason or agenda - just felt like sharing.



Reading your note literally brought tears to my eyes. If I hadn't been at work when doing so I might actually have done some good old-fashioned blubbering.

For all of these years my thoughts and feelings about you have been those of love, respect, admiration and appreciation. You have both reaffirmed and renewed those feelings with your letter.

I don't think there are words that can accurately describe the truly profound impact you had on my life way back when. When I tell anyone stories from that part of my life, you are always included. You were the rock I clung to. You helped bring me hope. I loved you for loving me, when I couldn't love myself. And when no one else did.

While none of my 13-year-old friends could stand my mother - they were 13-year-old friends. As far as the world outside of my young friends was concerned, I was a belligerent, difficult, unappreciative teenager with an attitude problem. Like most teenagers, I was angry with my long-suffering mother because she wasn't accommodating
enough for my superfluous desires. Because I wasn't given $80 blue jeans and allowed to run the streets at all hours, nor was my every whim catered to. Until...

...One day, you entered my life. I still don't know how that happened. It's something I've always wondered about, and I suppose now you may be able to answer that question for me. What made you approach me? What made you notice me, for that matter? I’ve always wanted to know that. All I remember is that your classroom was directly across the hall from one of mine. Mr. Glenn, was it? You were not my teacher, and I had never been in your class. You'd stand outside the doorway and greet your students as they entered. I'd never spoken to you - I was just one dorky kid in a sea of bodies flooding the hall. At some point you approached me and pulled me aside, looked me in my eye and told me that if I ever needed anyone to talk to that you'd be there for me. I remember being quite taken aback!

"Who was this crazy lady? What made her think I'd want to talk to her? Why'd she pick ME?" I was also very firm in my resolve. "I'm not going to go talk to her! I don't even know her! And I certainly don't trust her! She'd never believe anything I'd have to say anyway."

But talk to you I did! I remember one day after school knowing you were in the library. I went to you, and I think I remember saying "You told me I could come talk to you…” and I have no idea what I said after that. I remember being scared, and amazed I was so drawn toward you when I had been so certain that I would never approach you – not in a million years. I was scared, but something else took over me that day. I was scared, but I wasn’t in complete control – seeking you out was done as if on autopilot. You had thrown me a rope, and I’d grabbed it.

What my 13 years on earth had yet to teach me, but my 19+ years since have is that sometimes, on very rare occasions, someone enters your life that you share a deeply powerful, and spiritual connection with and the “whys” or “hows” are unexplainable. It just IS. I suspect this was why I went to you then, and I especially think so after hearing from you now. Once you’d made the initial contact some aspect of myself must have recognized that connection and followed through on it – without me being consciously aware of what was going on and even though it frightened me on many levels.

**Side note: I think that the reason you haven’t heard any of this from me until now is that I wasn’t sure what you’d think! All these years I’ve been wanting to share these thoughts with you, but was a little afraid you’d think I was some sort of flaky nut and be weirded out! I was never afraid that you wouldn’t know who I was – I was confident you would but I wasn’t sure to what degree you’d remember the entire situation. I didn’t want to get deeply emotional on you and, like I said, have you think me a nut and a stalker! ;) Your letter let me know that you do and will indeed “get it”, and I wish I’d done this years ago.

So I ended up standing before you in the library, scared to death. I have no idea what you must have been thinking. And you, you poor thing, you had no idea what was about to be unleashed upon you. I have no recollection of what I said to you - but it seems to me like I took a deep breath, held it in for a moment, and opened my mouth to find words just pouring out of me. I don't know how long we talked, or how the conversation ended - the thing I remember vividly is that from that very first moment you accepted everything I said without question. Never once did you suspect me of lying, embellishing, or being overly dramatic. You were the first adult to treat me in such a manner. Ever. And I thouroughly expected you to question some of what I was saying. Much of what I said sounded unbelievable - and I knew as much, even then. But you never did.

You've done so many things for me - and that was a big one. Believing me. Believing in me. It wasn't something I was used to, and you validated me when I'd never been validated before. It was no longer just my little friends that could see into my world and know it wasn't me and I wasn't crazy. There you were - an adult that could see deep into both my outer and inner worlds. It was like I could breathe after I met you. I was slowly dying inside - suffocating, and you reached in and breathed some life back into me. You shouldered some of my unbearable burden, and I will always love you for having done so.

Yes, the fact that you were an adult and on my side meant EVERYTHING. I don't think I'd ever trusted an adult before. But the weird thing was, unless it was just the crazy delusions of a 13 year old girl, on some deeper and more important level it seemed to me like we were more equals than adult / child. We were very unequal in experience, wisdom, and obviously age - but somehow, on some other level entirely (spiritual?) you always felt like a peer of mine. It seems like there were many layers in our friendship. The very fact that you respected my wishes and never turned my mother into protective services was HUGE. I was aware that by honoring and respecting my feelings in that matter you were in direct violation of the law - but you came to me anyway, and we discussed it. I knew even then how difficult that was for you, and the importance of what you were doing. You understood my fears that such an action could not guarantee a fate any better than the one I was currently suffering through and could very conceivably subject me to one far worse. I suspect you had the same fears, or you might have turned her in anyway

There are many holes in the memories of my childhood, and much is lost. I think I remember a good amount of when you were involved, though. I remember when you called my mom into a meeting at the school! Again, you discussed it with me first. I remember being pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and very skeptical. I trusted you completely - and you, although I think also skeptical, thought maybe this woman would respond to someone on the "outside" tactfully relaying some observations about her daughter. How could anyone be so heartless and blind when confronted with such heartfelt honesty and concern, after all? Little did you know. ;) You told me what you were going to do, so I knew what to expect. I remember the phone call coming in at home one night. You had Mr. Baldwin call to make the appointment because you obviously weren't my teacher, so it wouldn't have made much sense for you to call. I remember my mom getting off the phone and screaming at me FURIOUSLY. She was irate!!! Her POS daughter had done it (whatever "it" ever was) again and she had to take time off work to go to the school. I was basically utter garbage - and had proved it to her once again.

The day of the meeting, I was sitting in class (Mr Glenn, again? That class anyway - across from yours) rather terrorized by what was coming. I remember biting my finger as hard as I could from stress - and I remember looking out the window and seeing my mom walking up to the school. As scared as I was, I trusted you implicitly. As cynical as I was, I believed in you so much that I knew if there were any chance of getting through to her, you were the one person on earth that could. But boy, was I scared. I believe the meeting was over at the same time school let out, and I didn't get to talk to you. I had to drive home with the witch. That was a horrible ride. She was even more furious with me after that, and wouldn't look at me once the entire way. When I was able to speak with you I think you were thoroughly disgusted and regretted having even made the attempt.

For christmas you gave me a Santa Bear from Hudsons. (now there're some real blasts from the past for you!) It was awesome - and 1000x extra special having come from you. I still have that bear, and will, always. If that bear could talk, it would have stories to tell. It must have had 10's of thousands of tears wash over it in those years, and after. That bear sits on or near my bed, wherever I've lived for almost 20 years.

I also remember when you burned out on me and my issues. I don't remember all of the details, but I know it absolutely broke my heart - and - I absolutely understood where you were coming from and why you had to cut me off. When I read in your letter about how you used to go home and talk to Don and cry it made me cry - because of both of the "absolutelys" mentioned above. I felt horrible about the load I put upon you - but I couldn't help it. Once you opened me up I couldn't shut it all back in again. I had years of pent up frustration with no understanding - and you were the poor sucker it was released upon. I still am very sorry for all of that. I do want to thank you though for being you. It was you that made me feel safe, respected, loved, validated, and secure during those times. I am truly sorry that it was so costly for you to do so. I know I was not easy.

[Blue Diadem]

1. Some teachers are very special

I'm glad there was one there for you. I had two that stand out in my mind, an elementary teacher and a high school teacher. They were great people who helped me with my self esteem and I suspect they sensed my home life even though I never opened up to them.

I am, like you, very thankful to them.

[Madrone]

2. I had a couple as well.

This one, however, was the most profound of them all.

I am so glad I tracked her down and finally approached her - so that I can tell her all of the above. I also want her to know who I am now - since she so heavily influenced who I am today.

This woman saved my sanity, and my life.