yet another stupid f-ing horoscope

[davidinalameda]

Sometimes you can have an aloof or distant aura. People can be a little intimidated by you because you have such a regal air. But right now you could surprise others by being friendly and approachable. You'll be ready to share earthy, personal anecdotes, and you'll make it clear that you don't mean to be cold. Allow yourself to be more accessible to your friends and acquaintances. You'll feel good!


I'm a freaking Scorpio!!!!1 I don't share earthy anecdotes. I'm not accessible and I'm certainly not approachable. I want people to be intimidated by me. They leave me alone, and it weeds out the ones that aren't brave enough to approach me.

What namby pamby Hallmark reject is writing these horoscopes?

[On the Road]

1. Could It Be:

Lloyd Schumner Sr.,
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer?

[davidinalameda]

5. if it is, I'm gonna kick me some retired machinist butt!

:spank:

[On the Road]

7. Does That Name Ring a Bell?

Just curious. By the way, his recent horoscopes for you are:

May 4
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.

April 27
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.

April 20
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.

http://tinyurl.com/bafpj

You should see mine: "You know you should really should stop throwing handfuls of live hamsters out the car window, but they're just so darn cute."

[davidinalameda]

8. now I feel really stupid

the Onion

should have guessed

[sui generis]

2. November 6

you're right. I try and try to be accessible and approachable. I share earthy personal anecdotes. It's not working.

(Yawn. Thinks to self: "must clean up these bones laying around the lair. The ones with gnaw and scorch marks probably intimidate guests".)

[davidinalameda]

9. I'm Nov 2

I let the cats deal with the bones

[sundog]

3. I hate horrorscopes

they box people into their day before it has even begun

[sui generis]

4. the best one is the one you get the day after you croak

wussup wid dat?

[sundog]

6. it's like when you start to read one,you already know it's gonna have some

fucked up shit in it

i don't even bother... but i have friends & family members who are hellbent on reading all that stuff