Headlines We'd Like to Read, April 24, 2005

[skip fox]

Vasectomy Craze Sweeps Republican Ranks

Conservative Kids Hip To Russian Roulette



others????

[MindPilot]

1. Toby Keith to release hip-hop cd

[liberal N proud]

2. Toby Keith assulted by Dixie Chicks

[MindPilot]

4. Maines annouces '06 congressional run

[MindPilot]

3. President Found in Oval Office with Cocaine and Gay Hookers

"He was framed" -- Scott McClellan

[Parrcrow]

5. FCC develops a backbone demands responsibility from media.

[Ready4Change]

6. Table top, room temperature fusion breakthrough.

Black and Decker introduces real life "Mr. Fusion."

[Ladyhawk]

7. Bizarre fatal flu virus infects only neoconservatives and fundamentalist

religionists. Christian scientists hail the disease as the literal form of the rapture.

[Ladyhawk]

8. Top scientist discovers how to turn neoconservatives into crude oil. n/t

[Ladyhawk]

9. President Bush's head exploded today while he was in a conference

with Karl Rove. Jokingly, Karl Rove said, "Everything I say is a lie...now listen carefully, Georgie: I AM LYING!" After about five minutes, George Bush crashed on his face and began writhing on the floor. Ten minutes after that, the 43rd president's head exploded, sending blood and a surprising paucity of gray matter all over the Oval Office. A splinter of skull struck Karl Rove in the neck, severing the jugular vein. Although he was immediately rushed to a hospital, Karl Rove, known in political circles as "Bush's Brain," did not survive.

Top analysts say that the president and his brain(s) could have been spared had he ever bothered to watch Star Trek or read a book that included paradoxical situations. His black-and-white, with-us-or-against-us stand on every issue could not fathom such situations, so his brain was doomed to combustion.

Upon hearing of the president's demise, Dick Cheney grinned. Upon hearing of Karl Rove's demise, Cheney then suffered a fatal heart attack. While he was stumbling around his "undisclosed location," Cheney accidentally pressed a red button hidden beneath his desk. At the same moment, Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Paul Wolfowitz, Condoleeza Rice, John Bolton, and indeed every high-ranking Republican within a 4000-mile-radius, keeled over, dead as a doornail. While the pressing of the red button cannot be definitively linked to the deaths, the juxtaposition of the deaths to the button press cannot be overlooked.

Meanwhile, Democrats in the House and Senate and the new Democratic President have passed bills repealing the Patriot Act and every other piece of legislation passed under the George W. Bush presidency, with the exception of the "Do Not Call" law. The Democrats say their next plan is to find alternative sources of energy, decrease dependence on fossil fuels and help the poor and disabled.

Film at eleven.

[LeftyMom]

10. Conservative radio host crushed under own bulk, Purdue Pharma drops 75% nt