anyone have a good joke?

[dawgman]

my buddy just broke up with his fiance and has requested humor and beer. so any non-political jokes and humorous web-sites would be appreciated.

[Renew Deal]

1. The republican party

n/t

[UrbScotty]

8. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOLOLOL!!!!!

Rolling on the floor laughing my gosh darn Ashcroft off!

[Renew Deal]

2. Here's one

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying

"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye
grandpa."

The father asked,

"Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said,

"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say

"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack ! of dawn to go to
his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

[Darranar]

14. I don't get it.

[JVS]

23. It means that the milk man is the kid's father

[Kenneth ken]

19. ROFLMAO

LOL

that was GREAT!

[Stupdworld]

3. go look at the photoshop phridays

on www.somethingawful.com

worth lots of laffs.

[meegbear]

4. Tasteless joke ....

Girlfriend: I heard you're a pedophile.
Boyfriend: Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old.

[bif]

5. Little Bubba

Little Bubba returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Bubba.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

[Aleesha]

7. No offence to the Polish!

A Polak was high on a scafle painting a buliding when suddenly the scafle broke causing the Polak to fall 150 feet to the ground while slicing off his ear on the way down.
So the Polak's lying in his hospital bed, the Doctor finally comes in."Well" says the Dr, "we have some good news, we found your ear and can reattatch it", The Dr. shows the Polak the ear, and with a confused look on his face the Polak says, "Sorry Doc but that's not my ear, my ear had a pencil behind it."

[bif]

9. Hey, that's a Finnish lumberjack joke!

As told here in Michigan.

[bobja]

6. Here's one:

Med School

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The
students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking
on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[never cry wolf]

10. Just got this one in today from a friend...

> Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
> "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
> like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
>
> Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
> said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You
> can speak two words."
>
> Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the
> Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
>
> After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
> "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
> "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
> the food would be better in the future.
>
> On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
> Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
>
> "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
>
> "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch
> since you got here."

[UrbScotty]

15. Ba-dum BOOM!

:D

[dawgman]

11. these are great thanks.

[underpants]

12. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Damn!

[dawgman]

13. dont' know that I get that one ....

oh wait dam / damn HAR HAR HAR

[jmowreader]

16. How about these?

An American horse trainer brought his best thoroughbred to England. While he was preparing for his race, the Queen saw him slip something to the horse.

"You Yanks may be able to get away with that in the Colonies, but in England we have Standards!"

The trainer said, "it's just sugar, ma'am." He ate one. Gave one to the Queen, who swallowed it and pronounced it sugar.

Later, after the jockey was saddled up, the trainer gave him a word of advice. "Keep him outside; after they're off, the only ones who can catch him are me and the Queen."

- - - - -

A guy was traveling through Arizona when he came to a Genuine Indian Village. He pulls in and the first thing he sees is this guy wearing a huge headdress, laying on the ground with his ear pressed to the pavement.

'What do you hear?'

'Big red Buick station wagon. California plates. Man and a woman and two kids. All wearing Hawaiian shirts. Luggage on the roof.'

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground?"

'No, I got hit by that guy five minutes ago.'

- - - - -

A soldier and a Marine were taking a leak. At the end, the soldier headed for the door and the Marine to the sink.

"Hey! In the Marines they teach us to wash our hands when we use the latrine."

'Oh is that so? In the Army they teach us to not piss on our fingers.'

- - - - -

A Texas oilman was in Paris on vacation when a prostitute offered her services for $150 per night. The oilman scoffed, I never paid more than three dollars for a woman in my life. The hooker shrugged and left.

A few minutes later the oilman meets his wife. As they walked down the street, the same hooker meets them. She looked at the oilman's Barbara Bush-like wife and said, "see what you get for three dollars?"

- - - - -

A guy walks into a talent agency and says he has the greatest act ever. He opens a case and a guy about a foot high steps out of it. A little piano was set in front of him. He proceeds to play Schubert, Rachmaninoff and Wagner.

The agent signed the guy and asked, "where'd you find him?" 'Oh, the usual story. I was a sailor who fell off his ship. I made it to an island where I found a bottle. When I opened it, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes. I chose a trip home, a billion dollars...I made a third wish, but I am sure it wasn't for a twelve-inch pianist!"

- - - - -

The circus's elephant can only move its head up and down. They tried everything to get it to move side-to-side. No avail. Finally, they put an ad in the paper.

A guy shows up, picks up a two-by-four and smacks the elephant right in the nuts. Then he whispers in its ear, "ok, you SOB, you want another one?"

[Deja Q]

17. I'm a joke, send him to me and we'll drink it up all night!

:D

[Cocoa]

18. jumper cable walks into a bar...

bartender says, don't try starting anything!

[RedEarth]

20. Polish sausage

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[TOhioLiberal]

21. great joke site...

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/

Great list of jokes and funny pictures.:D

[mbartko]

22. Sent to me by an ex-girlfriend

> His and Her Diaries
>
> HER DIARY
>
> Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made
> plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
> my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the
> fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
>
> Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
> somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept
> quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said,
> Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
> He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On
> the way home I told him that I loved him ,he simply smiled
> and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know
> why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
>
> When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
> nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
> T.V.; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed.
> About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he
> responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt and
> his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not
> take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation
> but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too
> fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
> thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
>
> HIS DIARY
>
> Today the Steelers lost, but at least I got laid.