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The Inquisition
Hooded monk speaks to the camera, and introduces the lead singer for the next number...
All pay heed! Now enters his holiness, Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.
Torquemada - do not implore him for compassion.
Torquemada - do not beg him for forgiveness.
Torquemada - do not ask him for mercy.
Let's face it - you can't torquemada anything!
Mel Brooks and his lackeys singing...
The Inquisition (Let's begin)
The Inquisition (Look out sin)
We have a mission to convert the Jews (Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew)
We're gonna teach them wrong from right.
We're gonna help them see the light
and make an offer that they can't refuse. (That those Jews just can't refuse)
Confess, don't be boring.
Say yes, don't be dull.
A fact you're ignoring:
It's better to lose your skull cap than your skull (oy oy gevalt!)
The Inquisition (what a show)
The Inquisition (here we go)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!
Cut to two old Jewish guys hanging by their wrists who start talking to each other
"I was sitting in a temple. I was minding my own business.
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass.
Then these Papist persons plundered and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.
Is that considerate? Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight!"
"I'm sittin' flickin' chickens and I'm lookin' through the pickins' and suddenly these goyim pull down walls.
I didn't even know them and they grabbed my by the scrotum and started playing ping pong with my balls!
Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!
To make my privates public for a game?"
Back to Mel Brooks and his lackeys singing...
The Inquisition (what a show)
The Inquisition (here we go)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-
Someone calls over to Torquemada while in the middle of a routine ...
"Hey Torquemada, whaddya say?"
"I just got back from the Auto-de-fe."
"Auto-de-fe? What's an Auto-de-fe?"
"It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway."
Torquemada speaks to a row of prisoners
Will you convert? "No, no, no, no."
Will you confess? "No, no, no, no."
Will you revert? "No, no, no, no."
Will you say yes? "No, no, no, no!"
Now I asked in a nice way, I said, "Pretty please."
I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!
Someone calls over to Torquemada again ...
"Hey Torquemada, walk this way.
We got a little game that you might wanna play,
so pull that handle, try your luck."
"Who knows, Toq, you might win a buck!"
Mel Brooks, as Torquemada, spins a huge slot machine, with Jews in place of the cherries, lucky 7's, etc. on the slot wheel. It comes up a winner, and gold starts pouring out of the machine. Torquemada leans over to a flunky and says, "Put it in the car..."
"How we doin', any converts today?"
"Not a one, nay, nay, nay."
"We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!
Nothing is working! Send in the nuns!"
A bunch of nuns appear surrounding a pool of water. They shad their robes to reveal bathing suits, dive into the pool, and perform an old-style aquatic musical number. Some Jews are seen shooting down slides and into the water. The nuns surround the Jews, and pull them under water. Than the rest of the cast joins for the big chorus line at the end of the song..
The Inquisition, what a show.
The Inquisition, here we go.
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away!
So all you Muslims and you Jews
We got big news for all of yous:
You'd better change your point of views TODAY!
'Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!
lyrics from History of the World, Part I by Mel Brooks
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