BUSH CLAIMS PAPAL THRONE; Says exit poll (white smoke) flawed...

[Brotherjohn]

...was actually black.

The Vatican is at a loss to explain why the exit poll results (white smoke) disagreed with the official tally (black smoke). Subsequent to the flawed exit poll's release, the Diebold Burn-Master 3000 first produced a few black puffs for Ratzinger, followed by the tell-tale white smoke (in the shape of a "W"). Thus, the official vote tally was certified, and Bush declared the victor.

As a result, the Vatican has revoked the election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger and declared George W. Bush, President of the United States (R-TX,CN,ME,etc.), the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. His chosen papal name: George Ringo I.

Said the new pope: "Even though I don't have any of their stuff on my I-Pod, I felt those other two guys never quite got their due. Plus, I'm thinking of asking Jenna to add that 'It Don't Come Easy' song to my playlist... (singing)'It's don't come easy... you know it don't come easy'. Rockin tune! Hey do you think they can add headphones to my big pope hat? NO?! But I'm Dictator now, ain't I?"

Cardinal Karolus Rovina, a self-described "observer" for the Bush administration in the Vatican, noted that what is seen as "white" can often actually be "black". As an example, he said that what was seen as "a Kerry victory" was actually "a Bush mandate". He further clarified that what is seen as "endless war" can often actually be "freedom on the march".

;)

[lpbk2713]

1. "Katherine Harris and James Baker called in as consultants"

Story on Page 2B.