Ok, I need a relationship rules clarification

[VelmaD]

Given that I haven't been in one for a while (and the ones I have been in haven't exactly been high-quality) I admit I'm not that up to date on how these things should be interpretted.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend today and he told me about something odd that happened with his wife. They were watching tv and somehow whatever they were watching turned to the topic of married people having sex with other folks besides their spouse. (I don't know if it was about "cheating" or if it was about consensual polyamory or what) Anyway, she turned to him and said, ""You can do whatever you want, I just don't want to know about it".

He stammered something along the lines of..."ummmm". He's confused about how to take it. So am I. So I'm asking y'all. What would you think if your partner said that to you and that's ALL they said on the subject? Do you think it means "do whatever you want, I really don't care, just don't talk to me about it, don't expect me to participate in that 3sum fantasy, and be discreet so I don't have to hear about it from my friends"? Or would you interpret it as "do what you want but you better not let me find out about it or I'll have to kill you"?

We're both a little confused. :shrug:

[Fenris]

1. I'd be wondering if the rules worked both ways.

And whether she was trying to tell me something else.

:shrug:

[VelmaD]

5. I asked him about that...

his response was that she'd have to find more than 24 hours in a day because she's either at work or at home all the time.

Plus, if she was foolin around he'd just want to watch. I mean...c'mon...he's one of MY friends so you know he's a perv. :)

[gollygee]

2. If he wants to get involved with someone else, he should have asked

or he should ask now.

If she doesn't really support it, it will kill the marriage, in my opinion. She might say she just doesn't want to know about it, but it might very well still eat at her. I would proceed with caution.

And how close of a friend are you? I don't want to sound like I'm accusing or anything, I just think it's a little odd that he talked about it with you. Is he considering a relationship with you, do you think? Again, I would proceed with caution.

[VelmaD]

6. We've known each other since 1990...

from way back in college. We talk about pretty much everything.

[greatauntoftriplets]

3. I think that she is either getting a bit of "strange"....

or wants to.

If it were me, he'd be in deep doo doo.

[VelmaD]

10. I amlost hope she is...

they have serious sexual compatibility issues and have for years. I used to be her friend too back in college and if she's found a way to get in touch with that side of her I'd actually be pleased for her. The weird part is her hubby would too.

[greatauntoftriplets]

13. After reading WindRavenX's thread about her roommates ....

I hope your friend uses condoms with his wife.

Sounds like they have an unconventional relationship....

[VelmaD]

16. Actually they haven't...

had an unconventional relationship up to this point...which is why he's a bit freaked out.

[liberalhistorian]

19. If that's the case, she just might

be saying that as a way to get him to leave her alone sexually and get his needs "gratified" somewhere else so she doesn't have to deal with being bothered for sex anymore. She might feel guilty that she's not able or willing to be the sexual partner he needs and it's her way of saying that he can go ahead and take care of his needs, she just doesn't want to hear about it.

Sounds like they could use some serious marriage counseling, and she could also use individual counseling to try to work through whatever sexual issues she has so that they can have the kind of marital relationship they should have.

[VelmaD]

21. I could see that being it

I know sex is one of the few things they argue about and she just isn't interested while, like I said, he's a horn-dog and he's interested in trying things she just flat out won't do. He swears up and down that he's happy otherwise and that he loves her. It's a horrible situation all around.

[liberalhistorian]

26. He may very well love her and

be at least somewhat happy, but he just has to be feeling very frustrated and irritated, no matter what he tries to tell himself. It is, indeed, a very sad situation.

[serryjw]

28. Before I read this post ....I figured this out

How old is she. She is giving her hubby permision to fill the void that they obviously have to save the marriage. I'm 55/single and I hear this from married men all the time. The wife doesn't want a divorse but she KNOWS she is not giving him any so it is ok if he finds it somewhere else as long as she doesn't know.

[VelmaD]

29. He's 33...she's 31

They've been together since high school. However, this is a long-standing problem with them so she may have given up early.

I hear this same issue from a lot of my married friends in their 30s as well.

[serryjw]

31. A while back one of our young DUers

stated that he was a virgin and planed on staying that way until marriage. I told him I disagreed. Sexual compaibility is not a given and it's a shame to find out to late.
Have they EVER had a good sex life?

[VelmaD]

32. From what he's told me...

it's always been very vanilla, but the quality and quantity have both decreased over time.

And I agree with you, sexual compatibility is incredibly important to me.

[serryjw]

33. Where they virgins when they got married?

or was it this bad b4 marriage and he hoped it would improve?

[VelmaD]

34. Not virgins before the marriage...

It wasn't this bad...but he was stupid enough to hope it would get better.

In his defense at least he isn't as dumb as another friend who thought having a kid would help his marriage. :eyes:

[serryjw]

35. I just don't get it......

WHY get married unless you are totally compatible. Marriage will bring it's challenges regardless but why walk into a marriage KNOWING something as important as sex is not working.
How old are the kids?

[VelmaD]

36. Fortunately the couple from my original post...

don't have kids. My other friend who though a kid would "help" things...has a little one under 2.

[serryjw]

38. If they don't have kids why

are they torturing each other? This can't go on for decades?

[VelmaD]

39. inertia?

fear of change?

:shrug:

And it's been going on for nearly two decades at this point so I suppose it could go on for two more.

Believe me, I don't understand it either.

[serryjw]

45. She is perfectly happy with the arrangement

He will have to decide to leave or he will find himself a middle age unhappy man with nothing to show for all these years.

[Fridays Child]

4. Does this friend have an erotic interest in you?

Because, if you suspect that he does, DON'T go there. This has so many red flags, it's not funny.

[VelmaD]

7. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.

I've sworn off guys that are already taken. Too much hassle for too little payout.

[Fridays Child]

30. Smart girl!

:thumbsup:

[sundog]

8. maybe she has done something herself

just a thought :shrug:

[tjdee]

9. It means "I'm not divorcing you, losing any money, etc."

I've noticed that for some people being married is kind of a trophy--and once you get it, that's it.

She's saying she doesn't want to lose her life as is--so if he wants to get some nookie on the side, as long as her world doesn't change, she doesn't care.

[VelmaD]

12. That was my first thought...

but she has a history of being kinda jealous and that made me think again about it. In the past she's been really flaky about him even having female friends (mostly because he was a ho-dog back in the day). Maybe she's gotten past that stuff. I dunno. :shrug:

[tjdee]

18. Maybe it's a new way of dealing with it?

Maybe she's swung the other way on the pendulum, LOL. Perhaps she is trying to show how "cool" she is now, that now she doesn't care if he does it as long as she doesn't know.

She could have gotten past it, but she could be pretending.

[Bouncy Ball]

11. He SERIOUSLY needs more clarification.

Neither one of us could get away with just shooting off something like that without further clarification!!!

[VelmaD]

14. That's what I told him...

but he's a little scared to bring it back up just in case she meant it as a warning and not as permission. He's a big chicken.

[Bouncy Ball]

15. Wha?

If he's afraid to bring something up with his wife, I'd say there are some problems.

I can't think of a thing I couldn't bring up with my spouse right now.

[VelmaD]

17. They're both very non-confrontational...

I can't really say much since I was in the same kind of relationship with my ex for a decade. He just doesn't want to start a fight so he doesn't say anything. It seems very strange to me now but I've been there myself.

[Bok_Tukalo]

27. No kidding

My first reaction would be, "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

[SOteric]

20. They only one who can provide a useful elucidation is wifey.

The rest of us are just employing the WAG method.


(Wild-Ass Guess)

[VelmaD]

23. Heeeeee...

I like that. WAG method. Definitely gonna borrow that one.

[Bok_Tukalo]

22. I take an extremely dim view of infidelity and would see that comment

as a great big fat warning sign.

[VelmaD]

24. I personally would want...

wasy more "permission" than that before I would consider it not "cheating".

[BikeWriter]

25. If I were him I'd hide the guns, knives, and scissors!

[knowbody0]

37. it is just a test

[VelmaD]

41. now that is an interesting take...

that I hadn't considered

[knowbody0]

47. i have a friend

that tests her guys. they either pass or fail. kinda kinky to me, but you'd have to know her

[MissB]

40. I'd be confused too

From your other posts on this thread, it sounds like their relationship is a bit, um, messed up. I was going to say fucked, but that didn't seem right. Then I was going to choose screwed, but that didn't seem right either.

At any rate, I wouldn't take a comment like that as free license to go screw another person.

[VelmaD]

42. It's good to know others...

find this as confusing as I do. And he's not taking it as license to go fuck around. Just the oposite. He's pretty much petrified at the moment.

[MissB]

43. Seriously, if my partner said that to me

I'd start asking some hard questions. I'd assume the worst at that point. Especially since it would be soooooooooo very far outside the norm. :shrug:

I'd be thinking next about where to go get tested for std's.

[texas1928]

44. To me, I would be asking...

Just what she had been up to.

[VelmaD]

46. If it was anyone else...

that would be my first thought too. But I just can't fathom her doing something like that. I admit I could be wrong though. Still waters run deep and all that stuff.

[texas1928]

48. I had a girlfriend say that in so many words one time.

And it was shortly after that I found out she was cheating on me. Her "friend" from high school was dancing way to close one night and she was not showing any signs of discomfort while he did it.