Unitarian Jihad

[Spacemom]

I received this from my pagan group this morning. It was sent anonymously to a reporter who is a member of the group. :rofl:

<snip>
Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic!
Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of
undeclared rationality.
People can still go to France, terrorist leader says.
Jon Carroll
Friday, April 8, 2005

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to
print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that
the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always
be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not
disgusting:....

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one
God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God,
with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the
possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted
with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long
has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist
thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except
Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee)
made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people
who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your
moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of
truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news
dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be
tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told
them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that
Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or
that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate
Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to
Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee
of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born
again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares
what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb
of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code
but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of
Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a
good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups
with brains enough to understand the difference between political
belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of
terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap
so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions
of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring
fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have
carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and
require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love
suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but
her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.)
We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to
dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take
jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be
required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough."
We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already.
Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because
your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog,
or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the
park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you,
except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world
is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a
Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone
suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to
the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles,
and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday
Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as
if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There
will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
</snip>

[undergroundpanther]

1. Yep

I think we need the unitarians to make things resonable again....

[cprise]

2. There is nothing funny about Ghandi

But the piece is delightful :) Having spent a lot of time around Unitarian congregations is obviously making an impression on pagans!

Of course, pagans would still be hunted as "satanists" in all 50 states today if it weren't in large part for the Unitarian Universalists (the postmodern halfway-house for the soul).

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. *lol* I have to put that up on my website. *lol*

[RevCheesehead]

4. Are they the ones in dialogue with the Amish?

:P