I see so many people on DU estranged from their families, and it breaks...

[Maddy McCall]

my heart.

First of all, I offer :hug: to you. Next, let me tell you how I remedied the situation with my family.

I was in a family with very controlling parents. I won't go into my family history, but let me just say that many of the stories I've heard at DU I could have written.

Do you know how I fixed my situation? I read a book called "Co Dependent No More," and I learned how to establish BOUNDARIES. I let go of anger from the past. I refused to allow my parents or my sibling to dictate to me how I should live my life.

When my parents saw that I meant business, they developed healthy respect for me...as a daughter, as an adult, and as a parent to my own son. After some wrestling with me--I refused to bend--they gave in.

I guess I was one of the fortunate ones. Still, to this day, my parents will attempt to assert themselves into my life in an authoritarian way. Instead of arguing and fighting with them like I used to, I simply tell them that I love them and appreciate their opinions and will consider their opinions, but I have to do what is right for me. And they always back off.

What I am trying to say is that it is not mandatory that you divorce yourselves from controlling, opinionated parents--even if they are "fundie" or conservative. By establishing boundaries, you show them that you can love them, but that you are the captain of your own ship's destiny.

I have a VERY healthy relationship with both of my parents now. My dad is my best friend, and my mom is a close second. I still have problems with my brother, but that's another post.

I know that some people here have such severely toxic relatives that even establishing boundaries is not a solution. I just hate to see DUers in total solitude, except for their friends on this forum. I hope that people who can find a solution to family problems will at least pursue doing so.

:hug: and :loveya: to all of you who have difficulties with your famililies.

[WindRavenX]

1. Sometimes, though, it's just not good to be with them

My family unit-mum, dad, sister- are TOXIC for my mental health.
I am lucky that my aunts, cousins, uncles, and my KICK ASS grandmother are awesome.
I am lucky I have supportive friends- here in Boston, NYC, and back in Oregon.
But I've known since I was a kid that my family is too fucked up to try to be "family"- I'll try to be friends, but I doubt we'll be family.

[SarahB]

2. I'm great with my dad.

With my mom, well the only sign is recently she admitted I probably would have been better off living with my dad growing up (divorced when I was 6, but laws in the 70's just didn't do much for dads). My dad's a little antisocial, but he's a very smart, loving, and good man. My mom is a passive aggressive, martyr, who still harbors grunges about things I did when I was 5 (I wish I was kidding). I went through therapy a few years ago to detach from this (kind of after that point, it was an awakening about my marital problems as well. I'm civil with her and beyond that is above what I can handle. It would be nice if someday we could be close, but it's not up to me sadly. :(

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

3. Maddy:

My parents both died within a year of each other. My brother is an alcoholic. He was nowhere to be found when they were in final decline. For their last two years. He showed up twice after they died: once to get his share of their belongings and once when he was homeless on the streets of Newark NJ. I got him into a program.

Now, he is estranged again. I have no idea where he is. I haven't heard from him for a long, long time.

Sometimes, estrangement is out of your hands. You don't get a choice.

[CottonBear]

4. Thank you for being a good friend!

Many times, my friends have been my source of strength during difficult times with my family. Your story is very powerful and helpful for those of us with difficult family situations.
:hug: :loveya:

edit: sp.

[Ladyhawk]

5. It just goes to show that everyone is different. :)

I tried to read that book and ended up having panic attacks. 12-step programs scare the hell out of me. Let's just say the book didn't speak to me.

I'm glad it helped you, though.

[khashka]

6. Maddy I'm really proud of you

You chose the responsible adult path (not an easy thing to do) and it worked.

But for some of us, it doesn't always work. My Mom and I are good friends. She's a fundie, I'm a leftist-libertarian queer. We agree on virtually nothing. We just talked about this tonight - we can disagree with each other, even disapprove of each other, but still find a sort of balance and like each other. We can argue vehemently - and still respect each other.

My Dad is another matter. At dinner one night he expounded on the idea that fags only want to rape children. I said maybe, if he thought that, I shouldn't spend any time alone with my nephew. "I don't mean you", he said, "just all those other fags." How do you deal with that?

I try to keep the lines of communication open - no matter how much bile I have to swallow.

But some of us create families of choice. I'm lucky enough to have men and women in my life who are my mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters. But together we built those relationships and we sustain and nurture them.

So it's not an either/or situation: being close to your biological family or having transient relationships on the internet. Sometimes we build the families we need.

I have a great deal of respect for what you've done. It took courage and guts and a strong sense of yourself and how you deserve to be treated. But it doesn't always work for all of us. Happily, it doesn't have to.

Khash.

[mike_c]

7. over the last couple of years I've re-established some contact...

...with my mother, and even plan to visit her this summer. I haven't had any contact with the rest of my family in over 10 years, and before that it was on the order of once every five years or so, maybe. We have nothing in common except shared memories of dysfunction.

The thing is, I'm quite happy NOT having any family connections. My feelings are pretty much neutral-- time, and geographic separation will eventually do that. I'm not so much estranged from them anymore, as simply indifferent.