Headlines for the New Millennium, April 11, 2005

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President Seeks Belt Buckle to Commemorate His Canonization

Twisted News, April 11, 2005. Today President Bush announced he wanted to get a "Texas belt buckle" with the picture of the Pope on it to commemorate his canonization. "Wow. I feel like a new man ever since the Pope made me a saint and stuff," claimed the President. "The reason nobody saw it was cause it was secret and had a special handshake and with a bunch of old books I had to swear on in a secret room off the Pope's living quarters," he continued. "There were torches on the wall and weird animal sounds," the President stated.

Earlier he had maintained that the hidden room had velvet drapes "like Dracula" around the torches and that he heard whispers throughout the ceremony. "It was like animals were talking, only softer," said the President. "And people been making fun of what I said about ‘secret saints' and stuff but I wanta tell them that's the new key to all the secret codes but I shouldn'ta said that cause it's so top secret even the popes can't know about it. That proves it, see?"

When reporters attempted to break through the President's obvious delusion, deliberate or otherwise, the President said the Pope was going to tell everybody and "seal it and stuff, but he musta firgot." Then he walked briskly away.



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April 10's story:

President Continues to Insist on Secret Canonization

Twisted News, The Vatican, Ap. 10. Apparently against his handlers' advice, President Bush today again maintained he was secretly canonized by the Pope in a hidden chamber during his last visit. Disregarding the fact that no one can possibly be canonized while living and must have accomplished demostrable miracles during his or her life, Bush retorted, "So what? That's a bunch of leftests talking. Besides, the Pope said he wanted to surprise everyone with a new rule and thought I was the best. And I had my Dad send over a list of every thing I did and circle which ones were miracles. (My Dad thought I was great at everything. He even said it was a miracle I graduated from high school.)"

"Besides," the President continued, "the Pope told me you would all say that and it's because of liberals and socialisms along with social security. And he also told me to tell you that he changed his mind about the Iraq War and now thinks it's just fine."

Bush then left the stage without taking questions.



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April 9's story:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

Bush Claims Canonized by Pope in Secret Ceremony

Twisted News, The Vatican. Ap. 9. In a press conference today Persident Bush maintained he was canonized by the late Pope in a top-secret ceremony during his last trip to The Vatican. "Not even his muck-a-muck cardinals knew nothing about it," claimed the President, stating the ritual occured in a hidden back chamber of the Pope's living quarters and saying it was like an initiation into a fraternity. "I had to swear with three fingers in a secret salute and spit on my hand then slap my head and memorize a whole bunch of secret stories or something and read all the code books so I could recognize other secret saints when I saw them," Bush said.

When told by a spokesman for The Vatican that such an occurance was impossible for at least a dozen reasons, Bush said, "THAT's what the Pope told me, He said that people wouldn't believe me cause they hate freedom and things, and they don't want me to be a saint cause of all the discounts I might get or something." As the reporters visiblibly attempted to stifle their reaction, Bush quickly added, "They're America haters, I think."

When the newspeople, attendants, and guards broke into hysterical laughter, the President marched off the dias and left the room.


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The full story over past 2 days:


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=3025241