Criswell Predicts!!

[solinvictus]

My friends, you and I are concerned about future events, because the future is where we'll spend the rest of our lives! Criswell predicts:

1) Dick Cheney will win a role in the next James Bond movie as an American oil magnate named A. Driller Rumpus. Rumpus, a bitter old man, will seek to drill deeper into the earth to compensate for his diminishing performance in the bedroom.

2) American scientists will discover a new fuel source found inside of Taco Bell's $.99 value menu. The revolutionary fuel will be more combustible than unleaded and more shelf stable than SPAM.

3) Jerry Falwell will live to be a hundred years old. This latter day Methusla will find the error of his ways and start Gabbin' with Gays About God, a religious program aimed at reconciling his past actions with the homosexual population.

4) Downsizing will hit the prison population as we'll start arresting people in India and China for crimes committed here. The trend will grow astronomically!

5) American farmers will develop a compact car fueled by bricks of chicken manure.

Remember, the future is before us all and will unfold in strange and mysterious ways!!!!

[swag]

1. The Great Criswell Never Failed

I read all of his books and every single one of his prophecies was fulfilled. Especially the contradictory prophecies. Those ones were especially fulfilled. Remember, for instance, all of those roving bands of wild teenagers in the 1990s, driving around in convertibles, joyously munching on corpses robbed from the cryogenics labs as though the frozen bodies were popsicles? Criswell predicted that trend!

Extraordinary Man!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

5. Yeah, and Minnesota was going to be destroyed by an earthquake

in the 1980s.

Of course, by the time the actual 1980s came around, nobody remembered Criswell anymore anyway.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

6. BTW, you know those predictions above?

Each one should be preceded by a ringing "I PREDICT!" (preferably said with a raised index finger) :-)

[tuvor]

2. All you of Earth are IDIOTS!

Y'see? Y'see??? Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!

[solinvictus]

3. I used to have that on video!

"Plan 9 from Outer Space". A classic!

[flamingyouth]

4. ROFL

:rofl: That was my first sig line ever at DU. :D

[tuvor]

8. Well, FY, maybe you'll enjoy this a bit...

Or not. I don't know. Just me playing around with samples.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/7/tuvorandtheyikesmusic.htm

(I've posted this link before and got no reaction, so I'm no longer deluded that it's on par with Stairway to Heaven. :))

[Bake]

7. Criswell has learned the error of his former ways

Why? Because if memory serves me, he has (long ago) met his Maker and been appropriately bitch-slapped.

Bake