We buried my father two weeks ago. I'm doing okay.

[IdaBriggs]

My mother is having a hard time, and is starting to drive me a bit nuts about one thing: She keeps saying, "I wish you and your father had a better relationship."

I am pretty calm about the whole situation -- he and I spent most of last year estranged, and didn't talk for six months (a record) -- but he did apologize three weeks before he died, so we "made peace" in our own way. I visited with him regularly during those last days, making him home made bread and other favorite food stuffs. We talked about his upcoming death, and his concerns about it. He knew I was working on a book, but never asked about it. Then again, when I mentioned I'd received two death threats during my work on election fraud investigation last year, he wasn't really interested in that, either. (He wasn't what you would call a "good father" to me.)

The problem, which my mother understands, but doesn't like, is that just because he FINALLY apologized, it didn't make the problems he created go away. Our biggest fight (and the one for which I am disowned by my siblings) was over drug testing my teenage heroin addict niece. I went to bat as hard as I could, and he kept PROMISING he would do it, and then deciding it wasn't necessary because "she said she was clean now." Being an idiot, he gave her a $3000 car (after she totaled her previous one on I-75 while strung out on drugs) with no strings attached -- he even made sure his name was nowhere to be found in case she got into another druggie accident so HE couldn't get sued. In the meantime, he gave 'selectively edited' versions of the conflict to the different family members, culminating in a not-so-subtle diagnosis of me needing to be on "medication" which, it turned out, he's been saying to folks for years. Even sitting down with a therapist and having her explain to him that I'm not "mentally ill" but simply concerned that my beloved niece not end up dead due to denial of a serious problem didn't help; I'm the "crazy aunt" who wants to make my niece pee into a cup to prove she's safe behind the wheel of a car....

Sorry; off into my own little rant again! My father played us all like pawns in his own little popularity contest, and the pains to which each of my siblings went in efforts not to speak to me during his final days, the viewing and his funeral was depressing. I gave his eulogy (and weren't there some fireworks over that!), and did a great job at it -- my theme was "coffee" because my father drank gallons of it with everyone -- but, no relationships have been repaired (not that I expected any different). To my mother's further grief, I'm not having any problems with that, either; I'm a little sad sometimes, but honestly, I've had time to get used to it -- if they want to work things out, all they have to do is pick up the phone. (I'm waiting for THEM to pick up the phone; they have individually made it clear they don't want to communicate with me.)

My mother doesn't know what to do, which isn't any different than the last 34 years, and frankly, I don't think she should worry about it, because she needs to take care of herself right now. He might have been a shitty father, but he was still her husband, and I get that she's in pain.

I think its driving her a little nuts that I'm *NOT*. Sigh.

On an evil, ironic, laugh-because-otherwise-you-will-cry note, my niece is (still?) using again. One of the brothers who won't speak to me has had her living with his family since last summer. She was strung out at the viewings and funeral, they are missing over $600, plus the $40 it looks like she stole from my 13 year old nephew, and so he decided to boot her out the day after the funeral. When he went to change the locks, he discovered he was missing over a thousand dollars worth of tools. Turns out she's been pawning them -- isn't that a hoot? Maybe (note sarcasm!) the $5.63 drug test may have been a good investment....

:cry:

Any suggestions out there on how to be supportive to the grieving that needs to take place for the people I care about (even if I'm not speaking to them), while not being rude about my own lack of sorrow? I want to be respectful to the fact that everyone has different relationships, and "keeping my mouth shut" doesn't seem to be enough, because my mother will NOT let this drop. Help?

[ewagner]

1. At some point

you will have to coem to grips with the fact that the relatives and situations will never change and ....now this is important....

You can't control them....

It's been over 20 years since the rifts between me and my family took place and we still don't speak to each other.....but that's okay...they have their lives to live and I have mine....if they call upon me for help, I will help but I won't get involved in the day-to-day dramas of their lives.....They're responsible for their fate...not me....

There's a certain peace that comes of this ....

[Demit]

2. You can be supportive toward your mother by letting her talk about her

relationship with your dad. If she wants to turn the subject around to you, try to turn it back to her sadness and what she is feeling, about having lost her husband. Don't let her change the subject; bring it back around to her loss, and what she is feeling.

My mother (who ostensibly hated my dad) still wanted to talk about him. She just needed to talk and talk (and gradually, it helped). Hopefully your mother does too.

The rest of the family can take care of one another in their grief--they certainly seem to have the wayward niece, and their denial about her, in common already. JMO

[LynzM]

3. I remember reading about this....

When you posted about it a few months ago... :hug: I am glad you are doing ok, but sad for you that you still have to deal with the addiction issues.

I don't know how mean you feel like being, but you could say something to your mom along the lines of "mom, I understand that you're sad that we didn't have a better relationship. But, nothing can change that now, and it upsets me to keep talking about it." And then physically leave (walk away, hang up the phone, whatever) when she brings it up again. Eventually, she'll get the point. A little harsh, but effective. Hang in there :hug:

[crispini]

4. Hi Ida.

I have nothing constructive to say except hugs for you. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

5. Glad to hear you're doing OK.

I know it's been rough for you. Family estrangement sucks, quite frankly.

Have you considered Al-Anon? They can help you deal with family and co-dependency issues, give you a shoulder when you need it, and help you to remain non-engaged in the head-stuff.

:hug:

[progmom]

6. .

:hug:

[samplegirl]

7. I think every family is dysfunctional

to some degree. I've learned to set my feelings aside with family
matters as it only causes me more anxiety & grief.
I dont worry about who's talking to me or who's not. Its a whole
lot less painful.
I dont worry about anybodys kid but my own. It may sound selfish
but it works for me.
I don't have a good relationship with my sibilings since my fathers
death either mainly because im the one caring for my mother.
In todays world its hard enough just living your own life with
your own problems. Callus as it may seem I've found it is sometimes
just better to avoid family issues.

[Bullwinkle925]

8. Samplegirl's message is correct. Sounds like your niece's drug

issues are still bothering you. The only person that you can truly change is yourself. We all have our patterns of thought and yours is the pattern that you have any kind of control over. I've had issues of wanting to control behaviors in my family, but, due to a good therapist, found out that my peace came with 'letting go' and living my life the best that I can for myself.
As for your mother, tell her that you indeed made peace with your father and that the two of you moved beyond your differences into a better relationship at the end.
Hopefully she will get better with this. She's going through her grieving process and she is trying to 'make things better' in her own mind as you were with trying to help in your niece's situation.
Our emotional relationships with one another really take a toll on us, don't they?

Take care - hope these posts are helpful to you.